Seattle is pretty.
People Puke and Poop Their Pants
At least, according to Ashley on Rock of Love Bus, they do. But I don’t think she was referring to normal adults. She only meant drunk, cartoonish trannies who have made it their life’s goal to follow Bret Michaels around on a bus. Ashley was the first person given a pass this week. Beverly was given the old “bottom 3 warning” for drunkenly kissing Bret’s kind of cute, nameless drummer. (Does anyone know that guy’s name? Bret even referred to him as “my drummer”.)
Bret is only keeping Beverly around because she knows all the words to his shitty songs. She doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning on account of her tendency, even under the influence of alcohol, to make normal human decisions (apart from her decision to leave her 3 (three!!) children to try and date Bret Michaels).
My Mister is convinced that this season of ROLB is brought to you by Ashton Kutcher. In the final episode, he will choose one of the 2 trannies to “rock his world”. And then whichever one it is will pull out their penis and Ashton will come around the corner laughing. At least I hope this is what happens. Because if this show is actually for real, WE ARE ALL DOOMED.
Goodbye, Marcia! We will miss your bruised, tequila infused, Brazilian ass.
I Support Sam Adams
No, not the award winning beer, although that does have a special place in my heart because of my father’s love for it.
I’m talking about the openly gay Portland mayor who slept with an 18-year old and then lied about it. But then he was busted and now people want him to resign. Now here’s the thing: Lying is absolutely wrong, especially when a politician does it, because they are our leaders and we should be able to trust them. But let’s face some facts, shall we?
1) Politicians are almost ALWAYS hiding something. They shouldn’t be. But they are. Maybe it’s something innocuous that has nothing, really, to do with their job (like having sex with a young co-worker) or maybe it’s something serious that has dire political implications (Watergate). But they are always hiding something. Possibly even our new president, though he seems to be pretty forthright about everything so far, including past drug use.
2) It wasn’t something serious. He had consensual sex with an (albeit barely) adult. Neither of them was married to anyone else. It’s perfectly legal, fine from a moral standpoint (depending on how you feel about workplace romances, I suppose), and none of our damned business.
3) Portland may have elected an openly gay mayor but it’s still not considered 100% OK to be gay in this country. It should be, but it isn’t. Do you think maybe he would have been more open about it if it had been an 18 year old girl? Or if Prop 8 hadn’t proven that this country is still filled with told-you-so bigots? I think he definitely would have been.
He should have stuck to his guns and told the truth (unlike Clinton). But he didn’t. It still has no bearing on his ability to serve (like Clinton) Portland in mayoral capacity.
At Last!
Barack Obama is now officially the leader of our country. This has got to be the greatest day in Democracy since its inception. His speech was, as all his speeches are, incredibly moving and inspirational. Since then he and our lovely First Lady have been taking each step in the long day of festivities with such class and grace.
And how adorable/hilarious are Sasha and Malia? That whole family is just awesome. If they weren’t rightfully placed in the White House, I’d wish them to be my neighbors.
I’m alone in my house watching all of this, but I still clapped when that helicopter took Bush away from Washington and set him on his way back to Texas. Michelle was smiling pretty big at the time too. I wonder how hard it is for her to hold in the sassy things you know she is thinking.
To quote my second favorite president, Bill Pullman:
We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
NFT Radar: Clever Dunne’s Irish House
It’s kind of dirty and falling apart. Even though they supposedly remodeled the infamous bathrooms, I can’t really tell what they did other than paint. There was a head-sized hole in the wall for a while. But for some reason, every time I go to this place, I have a blast. The occasionally Irish, but mostly punk music selection keeps everyone jaunty. The amusing graffiti in the bathroom distracts you from the grossness. You can turn a hole in the wall into a hilarious photo shoot starring your drunken friends. There’s also plenty to do besides make hard lemonade out of bruised lemons. They’ve got darts, pool and a shiny new shuffleboard table. On Trivia Tuesdays, turn your useless pop culture knowledge into cash and drinking-related prizes. If you get hungry, well, they can’t help you there. But they don’t care if you bring in your own grub from nearby taco, pizza or chicken and jojo vendors. You’ll have a lot of fun without dropping a lot of cash (unless, of course, you get so drunk that you drop your cash). Seems like a clever business model to me.
1501 E Olive Way 98122
206-709-8079
X-posted from Not For Tourists.
Bret Michaels: Class Act
Last night on Rock of Love Bus, after discovering which of his potential true loves would be the most nurturing mother by having them use a baby doll in a bandanna into a hockey goal, Bret took the winners on a very romantic date. Where is the most romantic place Bret Michaels can think of to take a date? To the strip club, of course! Now, strip clubs can be a very sexy date destination and can spice up your love life. But normally couples just watch strippers together. Bret is a different class of gentleman. He doesn’t want to look at other strippers. He only wants to look at his beautiful date(s). So how does he tell them he thinks they are the most beautiful women in the room? He makes them BECOME the strippers.
Now, for some of these ladies, this was NOT a problem. They have plenty of experience in the Skank profession. But poor “tom boy” (so-called because she likes to wear actual clothes) Beverly didn’t feel comfortable getting friendly with the stripper pole and swapping bodily fluids with whatever was closest.
Beverly! Honey! What is WRONG with you? How can you ever expect a man to know you’re interested if you don’t slut it up for him on a stripper stage? She made the cut this time, but she really needs to step it up, lest he think she’s here for “the wrong reasons”.
NFT Radar: Red Light
Seattle thrift stores are completely picked over. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightening than of finding a vintage gem at the Goodwill. Thankfully there’s the Red Light. The sizes tend to run a little small and ladies who still have all their ribs might have to root around a little. But it’s usually worth the effort. The prices are surprisingly reasonable as long as you stick to true vintage. Stay away from the “vintage inspired” rip-off racks of new clothes. The Capitol Hill location is superior to the U.D. in terms of selection. It’s also fun to peruse their massive costume room whether or not you have a reason to dress up. Take a minute to peek at the accessory cases containing fun wallets and purses, funky sunglasses and jewelry and seriously badass belt buckles. Whether you’re attending a theme party or just like the old timey look, Red Light should be your first stop on your shopping excursion. But try to get your Halloween shopping done early or sharpen your elbows because the last week of October at either Red Light location is a douchy free-for-all.
312 Broadway E 98102
206-329-2200
www.redlightvintage.com
X-posted from Not For Tourists.
Hotter with a Beard: Ryan Gosling Edition
I never really got the Ryan Gosling “thing”. I tried to watch The Notebook and couldn’t finish it. It was just SO melodramatic. And both main characters seemed half retarded. It was like watching a remake of The Other Sister.
But he sure looks cute with a beard. And he seems like kind of a weird dude in real life, which I like. Also, there’s this.
NFT Radar: Banya 5
Global warming means cold winters. A recession means busting your butt at work so you don’t get a pink slip. Banya 5, means extreme relaxation to help you forget about these trying times. Unwind like a gangster in this authentic Russian bathhouse. If you want a deep tissue massage or salt scrub, you might have to tap the mattress bank. But you can spend all day in hydrotherapy for only $35. The entry fee includes the hot tub, steam room, tepid pool, sauna and cold plunge. You’ll feel a little like a brick oven pizza in the 200 degree sauna, but a dip in the cold plunge will cool you right off. After that, the tepid pool will feel like a hot tub. Take a break from all that detox with a cup of tea in the lounge. You don’t even have to change out of your swimsuit. You’ll be so warm when you leave that every room you’ll be in for the next several hours will become a steam room. This is exactly how the Russians survive their winter. Well, that and the vodka.
217 9th Ave N 98109
206 262-1234
www.banya5.com
X-posted from Not For Tourists.
Wreck of Love…LITERALLY
What was I just saying?. Apparently one of the Rock of Slut buses was in an accident, resulting in the fatalities of 2 teenage girls and the serious injuries of an elderly couple. I think we all now know what continuing to shoot and air this show will bring…
…Ragnarök.
Effed by the Wind 
