I Miss Ashley

I’m having a hard time watching Rock of Love Bus now that all the interesting/crazy girls are gone. My earlier predictions about Ashley were incorrect. Not only did she go home early (for the same reason as her draggy predecessor, Daisy…she was still living and having sex with her ex) she was also revealed to be a woman…and the mother of two children!! The baby mamas on ROL certainly raising (and I use that term loosely) an army of psychological messes. But I digress…

Having only normal ladies left just makes Bret Michaels’ misogyny/hypocrisy all the more apparent. If his the ladies refuse to obey his whims and wear his shitty “Carnivale” outfits, he calls them a buzz kill. If they keep mum about their displeasure, he blames them for not saying what’s on their mind. If what’s on their mind isn’t playing tonsil hockey with him, he says they’re in a funk and jams his tongue in their mouths anyway. He gets upset if they promote their business on national television while he, Bret Michaels, wears a fucking t-shirt with his own name on it. He can’t understand why the girls get upset on group dates and takes turns groping them but if they don’t get jealous then he accuses them of being there “for the wrong reasons”. He wants someone who can “roll” on the road and who loves his music but he doesn’t want a groupie. In short, he keeps changing his tune because he obviously doesn’t care about finding love. He’s just trying to find as many ways as possible to prolong his narcissistic fantasy of a house/bus full of sluts who will do anything he asks of them.


Dick.

If he weren’t Bret Michaels, he would not be able to get away with this shit. In fact, I don’t understand why Bret Michaels is allowed to get away with this shit. He is a talentless 90s throwback. And he’s clearly balding. He is a spoiled 5 year old who has gotten his way for too long. I know, I know. This is not a revelation. This has all been pretty clear from the beginning. But you have to admit the blonde train wrecks were pretty entertaining. There were long stretches of show which had no Bret Michaels at all. Just women who stuffed their triple E cups into sparkly clothing scraps, got plowed, said hilarious things and then fell over. But now it’s just 3 semi-average girls with low self-esteem bitching at each other and Bret trying to make out with them. It’s nauseatingly boring as well as just plain nauseating.

Only one more episode to go so I might as well watch it. Though I don’t really care who he picks as his “rock of love” at this point. I don’t think he does either. He’s too busy planning season 4.

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Confidential to Beverly RockofLoveBus

Oh honey. Do you really still think you can “win” this thing by not being slutty? You seemed to have a good shot because you’re the only one who legitimately enjoys his shitty songs.

Don’t you see? Winning Bret’s “heart” is easy. Don’t drink too much (in front of Bret) and give it up whenever possible. In fact, Ashley seems to be the only one who understands this. That is why she is going to win. PLEASE have a penis (or at least a manufactured vagina), Ashley. Pleasepleaseplease.

People Puke and Poop Their Pants

At least, according to Ashley on Rock of Love Bus, they do. But I don’t think she was referring to normal adults. She only meant drunk, cartoonish trannies who have made it their life’s goal to follow Bret Michaels around on a bus. Ashley was the first person given a pass this week. Beverly was given the old “bottom 3 warning” for drunkenly kissing Bret’s kind of cute, nameless drummer. (Does anyone know that guy’s name? Bret even referred to him as “my drummer”.)

Bret is only keeping Beverly around because she knows all the words to his shitty songs. She doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning on account of her tendency, even under the influence of alcohol, to make normal human decisions (apart from her decision to leave her 3 (three!!) children to try and date Bret Michaels).

My Mister is convinced that this season of ROLB is brought to you by Ashton Kutcher. In the final episode, he will choose one of the 2 trannies to “rock his world”. And then whichever one it is will pull out their penis and Ashton will come around the corner laughing. At least I hope this is what happens. Because if this show is actually for real, WE ARE ALL DOOMED.

Goodbye, Marcia! We will miss your bruised, tequila infused, Brazilian ass.

Bret Michaels: Class Act

Last night on Rock of Love Bus, after discovering which of his potential true loves would be the most nurturing mother by having them use a baby doll in a bandanna into a hockey goal, Bret took the winners on a very romantic date. Where is the most romantic place Bret Michaels can think of to take a date? To the strip club, of course! Now, strip clubs can be a very sexy date destination and can spice up your love life. But normally couples just watch strippers together. Bret is a different class of gentleman. He doesn’t want to look at other strippers. He only wants to look at his beautiful date(s). So how does he tell them he thinks they are the most beautiful women in the room? He makes them BECOME the strippers.

Now, for some of these ladies, this was NOT a problem. They have plenty of experience in the Skank profession. But poor “tom boy” (so-called because she likes to wear actual clothes) Beverly didn’t feel comfortable getting friendly with the stripper pole and swapping bodily fluids with whatever was closest.

Beverly! Honey! What is WRONG with you? How can you ever expect a man to know you’re interested if you don’t slut it up for him on a stripper stage? She made the cut this time, but she really needs to step it up, lest he think she’s here for “the wrong reasons”.

Wreck of Love…LITERALLY

What was I just saying?. Apparently one of the Rock of Slut buses was in an accident, resulting in the fatalities of 2 teenage girls and the serious injuries of an elderly couple. I think we all now know what continuing to shoot and air this show will bring…

Ragnarök.

Portends Re: Rock of Love Bus

You may wonder why there were so many commercials for Herpecin during Rock of Love Bus. It is because you can contract herpes by simply WATCHING Rock of Love Bus. If you watched an episode in its entirety, chances are you now have eye herpes.

That completely insane extra draggy version of Daisy who had to be escorted off the set at the end of the pilot, now lives behind the studio dumpster and haunts the dreams of aspiring actresses who just moved to Hollywood from Deep River, Ontario.

When the final episode of Rock of Love Bus airs, it will open a portal to hell. Only Dean and Sam Winchester can stop this from happening.

Rock of Love: An Analysis

Even though I watched most of “Rock of Love 2” (I started the season late), and was well aware all the while that I was witnessing some horrible portend of doom, I didn’t really figure it all out until last night, when I watched the “reunion special”. This post-season wrap up was a concentrated dose of R.O.L. in which Riki Rachtman (good to see you!), fresh from the Ricki Lake Training Camp, psychoanalyzes every member of the “cast”. This lasts approximately 5 hours. At one point the old one sings. It is perhaps the most surreal television program I have ever seen.

New shit has come to light, man. And that is the fact that Brett Michaels, formerly thought to be just a lame ex-butt rocker, is actually the world’s biggest misogynist. And no, I am not one of those neo-feminists who sees gender bias in everything. He truly hates women and loves to see them suffer. It helps that he, as he admits on more than one occasion, LOVES crazy girls. This helps because crazy girls are more than willing to do whatever he says, including, but not limited to, giving him lap dances, allowing him to photograph them scantily clad, playing FOOTBALL in the MUD and then HOSING EACH OTHER OFF, and taking turns making out with him in the back of his Hummer limo. If he were just a normal 46-year-old doosh, they would not fall for this. I mean, the guy plays acoustic air guitar. But he is Brett Michaels, former lead singer of one of the most inexplicably popular butt rock bands of the year most of these girls were born. For some reason everyone involved thinks that makes this OK.

In a way, Brett Michaels is a genius. An eeeeviiiil genius, but a genius nonetheless. He has found a way to find large groups of his type of lady (crazy strippers, both professional and amateur…and TV HOSTS, also crazy) and assemble them in his fantasy environment (a mansion littered with pictures of himself and stripper poles, no shortage of booze or motorcycles) and make out with them and/or sleep with them, sometimes in FRONT of the other girls, but always in front of America. Every week he is allowed to dump one of them without any of the real-world recourse (i.e. they continue to call him and stalk him and throw drinks in his face when he is on a date). Eventually, he settles on the one that he feels he can sleep with about 15 more times before quietly dumping her and gearing up for the next season of the show.

I’m not letting the ladies off the hook either. It’s pretty clear that each of them wants something from this show other than “love”. Some of them want to “break in” to the biz. (Megan being the newest career reality show slut. I am so angry at myself for ever rooting for her bitchy ass on “Beauty and the Geek”.) Others just want attention (Daisy) or to be told they are pretty on national television (also, Daisy). Their success is pretty much directly proportional to how good they are at convincing Brett that they “are here for him”. Yet I hear the word “competition” at least 250 times per episode. So perhaps some of them are really just tired of their amateur volleyball league and want a new hobby.

If you had shown me “Rock of Love” in 1990, I wouldn’t have believed it. I would have thought you were showing me an extended scene from Paul Verhoeven’s new film, or something penned by Margaret Atwood about a dystopian future. I would have laughed. Sure, I laugh when I watch “Rock of Love” now. But it is that hysterical cry-laughing that you do when you can’t fully process the horror that you are witnessing.

Cheers, Brett Michaels. You really have reached your full potential. You are not only allowed to be a total cad with no social consequences, it has become your job.