It's been a pretty kickass long weekend so far. And it's only half over! I will do the long recap on Tuesday but right now I want to draw the attention of everyone who is local the a rare and exciting opportunity. Whilst perusing the horror websites for reviews of our movie, I found a blurb about a movie I didn't even know existed. That's right, folks. They made ANOTHER Crow movie. And while that may sound excessive and redundant given the quality of the last two, just LOOK at the cast of this movie! Edward Furlong as yet another man who loses his girlfriend and comes back from the grave for sweet revenge! Tara Reid as some some dumb girl who is evil (she's got RANGE, people)! That's pretty cool, right? But then look at who the BAD guys is! DAVID BOREANAZ! Fucking ANGELUS is in this movie!!!!! There is also Dennis Hopper (who will be in anything and Macy Gray. I wager that it's going to be “Alone in the Dark” hilarious and “Valentine” bloody awesome. And while it's going direct to video, for some reason it's getting a special engagement theatrical release for ONE WEEK only in our fair city. So who wants to see this movie with me sometime between June 3rd and 10th at Pacific Place?! There is NO WAY this movie won't be entertaining.
Holy Gay Porn, Batman!
These Batman and Robin erotic paintings are SO awesome! Were I proficient in watercolors, I would do an answer series of Transformers porn. Also, we answer the age-old question: No, that's NOT a cod piece. (It’s also NSFW.)
Approval
This is a sample sentence from a letter that I had to edit for Demonella. I SO regret telling her that I was an English major. It is painful to read sentences like this from “professionals”.
As we are sure you can appreciate, it would be near impossible to provide performance information that was much more than illustrative in nature based on the fact that no two clients have the same start date, existing positions to consider, tax situations, or investment preferences.
Happy Friday!
Here are two pictures which make me want to hurl.
an ingratiating smile, as
Last night was the Cast/Crew/Friends/Dom's Family screening of “SDBSD”. It was kinda weird. I was a little disappointed at how UNsmoothly it went. We had technical difficulties so the 6:30 screening didn't start till, like, 6:50. A lot of people showed up late (who shows up late to a movie?!) and due to lack of volunteers, Faye and I ended up working the check-in table instead of schmoozing and “guaging audience reaction” as Dom said we should. So I guess it's a good thing that most of the industry/press folks we invited didn't show up. Faye and I did sit in for the second screening, though. And I learned a few things.
1) Oh my god, I hate looking at myself on screen. During the EPK interviews, I was seriously mortified. And it wasn't just because of my nervous tick/stroke victim mouth. It's a damned good thing I'm not an actor. Still, if Faye and I are to be one day interviewed by Guilianna DiPandi on E!, we best get used to the camera. But Jesus. A giant Jessica is not a good Jessica.
2) The problem with having such a short movie is that if people laugh at one joke, they will be laughing over the next joke.
3) Our movie is not “laugh-out-loud funny”. It more of a “chortle quietly to yourself” film. I hope.
4) Drinking Vodka on a weeknight isn't necessarily a good idea.
Which brings me to the after-party. Faye, Jacob and I were cleaning up so we arrived late and discovered that there were no seats left the room we reserved at the Canterbury. It was ok though because Elyse decided to buy us shots at the bar. She asked the bartender to give us three “sorority girl shots”. A VERY hammered girl at the bar overheard this and said something like “I can get those” which led us to believe she worked there. She didn't. She was just HAMMERED. So, for lack of ideas and little cooperation from the bartender, we ordered kamikazes and then went to sit down in a different room to eat. We were hoping that the room would clear out a little, leaving us seats. While we ate, the drunk girl from the bar came over with a blue highlighter and proceeded to write greek letters on mine and Faye's arm. She was rambling something awful so I STILL don't know what she said exactly but it was something about her being sorry (?) for wearing stockings. She was only wearing them because she'd been to a job interview at 2:00 that day. And drinking ever since, I'm assuming. The night was pretty tame after that. But I still drank way too many Vodka Collins' and thus have some major tummy rumblings today. I hope I have time to get in a nap after work because it's back to the party grindstone tonight for Ben Dunn's birthday in the Mos Eisley Cantina where gay Tom Savini works! Also, everybody's welcome to come if they don't already know about it. The more people to give Ben birthday spankings, the better!
81247
YEEEEEESSSS! I got a meme!
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY (besides your real name):
1. Jess
2. J-Bax
3. Messica
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. LintIsGod (Stupid high school joke. That was my first ever screen name and it was on AOL)
2. i_see_toast (Stupid now joke from when Dom and I were courting. Somehow I still think it's funny)
3. the_baxter
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I've been told I have nice eyes
2. Badunkadunk (sometimes I like it)
3. Boobies
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF :
Aw…only THREE?
1. Not as thin as I used to be. Not that I thought I was thin then.
2. Short torso.
3. Manly shoulders.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Italian
3. Fruitcake
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Death
2. Confrontation
3. Elevators
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Chap stick
2. Eyeliner
3. Email
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A brown dress with pink trim! (I want to look nice for tonight).
2. My Mary Janes.
3. Black stockings. Always black stockings.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. The Clash
2. Oasis
3. Buddy Holly
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Trust
2. Spontaneity
3. Friendship
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I never got drunk until college
2. I'm one of the of millions of people who suffers from IBS
3. I was a virgin until college
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. The ability (and propensity) to grow facial hair
2. Boys are funnier (and more fun) than girls (with a few notable exceptions, most of whom I'm friends with)
3. Penis
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Watching Movies
2. Making movies (though I'm not sure if that's a hobby if I want to turn it into a career)
3. Drinking with friends (how sad)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Caffienate
2. Not be at work
3. Go on a trip with my friends
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Filmmaker
2. Vet (What I wanted to be in elementary school before I realised that I needed to be good at science)
3. Rock Journalist (that's what I wanted to be in high school before I realised I hated most of the music I would have to cover)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. San Diego :)
2. New Orleans
3. Mexico
THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Johnny Gunn
2. Dom Zook
3. Benn Dunn
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Become immortal
2. Visit at least 5 more countries
3. Make “Plight of the Living Dead”
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I like poop jokes
2. I like violent movies
3. I hate Sex and The City
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I like to wear dresses and skirts
2. I get PMS something awful
3. I wonder if I look fat in that
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Rob Zombie
2. Dominic Monaghan
3. Melanie Lynskey
THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
meepblop, demondoyle, icy_breeze
under him; he gasped
“Lost” Spoilers Herein
J.J. Abrahms is a fuckhead. Please bear with me while I rant. As usual, there were as many flaws as successes to last night's season finale. Ok, so I must admit that the last 10-15 minutes were pretty goddamned gripping. But to not give us the slightest INKLING of the evil that lurks within the hatch? That's just mean. Leaving Michael floating in the water as he watches Walt being taken away, while Sawyer and Jin, possibly dead, are nowhere to be found was a good cliffhanger. (By the way, Faye totally called the fact that “The Others” were after Walt and not the stupid baby). But there are some holes even in that otherwise cool scene. Like where in the hell do “The Others” get gas for their boat? Or electricity for the giant spotlight on the front? It's sloppy storytelling…unless the island is just like the one in that Huey Lewis and the News video where if they just go far enough, they will find a big resort and civilization and Starbucks. Well, at least we learned more about the Iron Giant. It's pretty certain that the Iron Giant IS, in fact, The Iron Giant, whatwith all the mechanical noises it was making. So at least we got THAT much of a bone. But seriously. A broken ladder with not even a HINT of the evil that Walt was screaming about? G.A.Y. My qualms with Abrahms are thus. He always tries to be the big serial suspense mastermind. But he goes from being totally predictable and unoriginal (Artz might as well have been wearing a red uniform) to refusing to give ANY answers or even INKLINGS of answers to the big questions. It feels he might be less of a genius and more a guy who has no idea where he wants his characters to go. Or maybe it's just that Joss Whedon has ruined me forever. Joss is like that perfect ex that you will never really get over and the standard to which you will hold all future relationships. Will I ever be truly in love with a television show again? The end of Alias last night was fairly Willow/Tara-esque. But less so because I don't care about any of the characters on Alias. I don't know. All I know is that J.J. Abrahms is a fuckhead.
Doh!
I just read the TWOP Recaplet and it's pretty much EXACTLY what I just said above, only funny.
potato thingy offer for Jessica
This is so cruel. So why can't I stop laughing? And also, am I laughing at the pictures or the woman who took the time to set this up? I'm so confused.
i know why you're unhappy. open to find the answer
I am so sick of perfect strangers always telling me to smile. It's usually young to middle-aged men. Sometimes it's on the street, other times, like today, it's in a store and they work there. I asked an Office Depot employee where to find something and he showed me. While he led me there, he said “I see you in here a lot. You never smile. You should smile more”. I told him the truthful response that I'm there on my break from work and therefore not happy about having to return to the office. But if I were the asshole that I am in my head I would have said “Don't tell me to smile. You don't even know me. You don't know why I'm not smiling. Maybe I just got dumped. Maybe I lost a family member or pet. Maybe I've just been fired or diagnosed with a terminal illness. You don't know. So don't tell me to smile unless you KNOW I have a reason to be happy.” Granted, I do have many reasons to be happy. But this job makes me a Grumpy Gus and I have every right to frown about it if I want to. So they should shut the hell up.
formalize Schirmer Tear Test Strips
So here's why last week was shitty. I have a new enemy here at work. I have nicknamed her “Demonella”. It's the marketing lady who takes long lunches, wears stinky perfume and asks me questions every 5 minutes. It turns out she's not only annoying, but also a bitch. She has nothing better to do with her time than to complain to bossman about EVERYTHING, not the least of which is me. She doesn't think I smile enough for a receptionist. OK. Fair enough. I should be all sunshine and light but it's so hard to pretend ALL the time. She thinks my emails to her are curt. Well, I'm sorry if I don't have time to compose a long, friendly email wherein I inquire about her personal well-being every other sentence. You ask me a question. I answer. That should be sufficient. She sees no reason why the interns should be doing work for me when they could be doing work for her. Well, first of all, lady, I am responsible for TWO jobs here. I have the interns to do the secretarial work for me while I do the portfolio admin stuff for clients. That stuff is very time-consuming and I SHOULD actually be getting twice my current salary for doing both these jobs. But instead, I get two interns to help me. They were plenty busy with work before you showed up. So if you want there to be 30 brochures at your next seminar, you best let the interns help me with that. Second of all, what the hell do YOU do with your time? Your office hours are an hour shorter than the rest of us and you come in late every day. Today, you didn't even show up till NOON. I KNOW traffic isn't that bad. Now, my boss explained this shit to her when she complained, but he thought I should know too because he said he's sick of having to deal with everyone's issues when they could be solved more efficiently if we just talked to each other. He's right, too. I guess I'm too scary for her to feel comfortable talking to me. She also pissed my BOSS off last week by telling him he was too “critical”. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your boss SUPPOSED to offer criticism? Furthermore, our boss is pretty damned nice about offering criticism. Anyway, I realise this is all pretty boring but I just had to get some of it off my chest. Long story short: The Lil'est Dictator is no longer the most irritating person in the office.
Effed by the Wind 