gullet anonymity tailwind

I think I finally did this meme correctly. Bold the ones that apply to you. Replace the ones that don’t. I think the idea is to have this get to someone eventually who doesn’t change anything so the entire doc is bold. What a strange cosmic convergence that would turn out to be.

01. I like to bake.
02. I can be VERY LOUD at times.
03. Elijah Wood is funny-looking.
04. But not as funny-looking as Denise Richards.
05. I’m not a one-contact-wearing freak! Though I’m not sure I know what this means.
06. If I have no other make-up on, I must at least wear eye-liner.
07. And chapstick
08. I understand that “a lot” is two words.
09. British accents are sexy.
10. Scottish ones too.
11. I love getting things in the mail, but it’s excruciating waiting
for them.
12. I find spiked heels ridiculous and unnecessary.
13. I am addicted to caffeine.
14. I like to go barefoot around the house.
15. I prefer skirts to pants.
16. There’s someone out there for everyone. More than one person, in fact.
17. I am a fan of the guy-on-guy action.
18. I’d rather daydream/zone out instead of paying attention.
19. I have a gay hairdresser. Or at least I did, before she went on a trip to Australia and went straight. What?
20. And I wouldn’t let anyone else cut my hair.
21. I get cold easily.
22. People think I’m flirting when I really just love to joke.
23. Love makes everything better.
24. Respect/trust is important to me.
25. I read other people’s blogs obsessively.
26. Though I’m not sure I would call it “obsessive” since reading blogs is totally accepted as part of our culture now.
27. I hate fighting with anyone.
28. I’m weird.
29. I’m glad I’m not addicted to any harmful substances.
30. Except for caffeine.
31. And salt.
32. I try to be good, but usually end up failing.
33. I procrastinate. A LOT.
34. I need to do some laundry.
35. I prefer email to the telephone.
36. Gel pens are cool.
37. Even though jealousy is pig-headed, sometimes it’s nice when your boyfriend gets jealous of another guy.
38. I wish every day was a good day.
39. I’m a horrific speller.
40. I hate dance clubs.
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing. Still, I’ll like almost anything just because the person took the time to pick it out.
42. Thomas Lennon is my favorite member of The State.
43. There’s no humor quite like random humor.
44. I consider Amazon.com both a wonderful convenience and the bane of my bank account.
45. Most of my dreams consist of someone or something trying to kill me.
46. I was a guy in a dream one time.
47. I wish that more of my dreams were about me getting it on and less about people trying to kill me.
48. Reality Television is a blight upon humanity.
49. But I’ve been known to watch such trash as “High School Reunion”, “Blow Out” and “Being Bobby Brown”.
50. David Bowie is a golden god.
51. Whoever decided only girls are allowed to wear dresses has
obviously never seen Johnny Depp in a dress.
52. I long for the day when Joss Whedon one again has a show on TV.
53. But I’ll still watch lesser TV shows and complain about the good-old days.
54. I’m tired of worrying about shit.
55. Sometimes I think I might be a little bit gay.
56. Because I definitely think naughty thoughts when watching Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica.
57. Though I try to eat plenty of vegetables, the temptation to eat mostly carbs is often overwhelming.
58. I may be a pacifist, but I often have violent urges. Particularly toward my co-workers.
59. I need to be more patient with others.
60. And also with myself.
61. I HATE it when people steal my damn pens.
62. I don’t understand why I can like the music my parents like, but
they can’t like the music I like. Is it so hard?
63. I like making people happy.
64. I hate it when people complain too much.
65. Which is kind of ironic considering that I complain nigh constantly and with an almost artistic flair.
66. I sometimes practice my answers to interviews for when I’m a famous filmmaker.
67. And wonder who in “The Biz” would be friends with me.
68. I have never spent more than $100 on any one article of clothing.
69. Though I sometimes wish I could. Particularly when passing the Betsy Johnson store downtown.
70. The Fox and the Hound is the best Disney film ever made.
71. I don’t immediately hate a book just because I have to read it for school. Because then I wouldn’t have been an English major.
72. Marry me, Joss Whedon.
73. Now that I’m being stifled by The Man, I feel like I’m missing out on so much internet fun.
74. It’s easy for me to slack off and get distracted.
75. Independence is important to me.
76. I laugh way too much ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
77. Harrison Ford was once sexy as hell. Now is he old and dating a skeleton.
78. I am still immature.
79. I love talking to new people, but I HATE small talk.
80. When the wind is blowing really hard, it hurts my ears.
81. I love bad movies almost as much as I love the good ones.
82. I never want to be an eighth grader again.
83. Calculus frightens me.
84. I’m afraid of being boring and annoying – because sometimes I am.
85. Someone needs to put Rob Schneider out of his misery.
86. I LOVE movies.
87. Hair is VERY VERY IMPORTANT.
88. Contemporary metal makes me want to bounce my face off a telephone
poll.
89. I laugh whenever someone says the word “poop.”
90. I refuse to use the word “panties” in earnest.
91. Or the phrase “make love”.
92. I wear glasses.
93. I am amused easily.
94. I wish President Bush would go away.
95. I believe that nobody has the right to criticize anybody else’s
country. All countries have major issues.
96. All of my limbs are still attached.
97. Sometimes, I hold it until I have to run to the bathroom or I won’t make it, but I can’t run because the movement will dislodge the pee.
98. My respect for a male actor is automatically increased when they really commit themselves to a drag queen role.
99. The funniest part of ROTK is when Pippin sings his butt rock song.
100. I used to be a night owl, but now that I work 8-5, I can never seem to get enough sleep.

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August 31, 2005
Categories: Meme Crazy . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

chimera british postage anatomy

Holy Christ on a Cracker! I just talked to my friend Ryan and apparently for my birthday present he got me…a ticket to see Oasis at the Everett Events Center on the 9th!!!!!

I hadn't purchased a ticket for myself for a couple of reasons, not the least of which being what happened the LAST time I went to see this band. I literally almost died. Twice. First, Faye's life was endangered along with mine. We were driven up to the show by a drunk, emotionally wrecked “friend” who didn't reveal to us his inebriation until we inquired as to why he was tailgating a BUS. Later that evening, I was nearly trampled by moshing frat boys and I had to crawl to the back of the Paramount, losing, in the process, my favorite maroon cardigan. Needless to say, this incident colored my feelings toward large concerts, the aforementioned “friend”, and Oasis themselves who did nothing to quell the rambunctiousness of the crowd. (I guess I was spoiled by punk rock acts like Avail who would actually refuse to keep playing if anyone in the audience was hurt by or in danger of being hurt by another person).

Regardless of these past feelings, I am now finding myself pretty damned excited for the show. Maybe Oasis live will be redeemed.

Thank you, Ryan! And Happy Birthday to me!

August 30, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary, The Soundtrack . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Condolences

My deepest condolences go to Green Dusty for the loss of his beautiful and sweet dog, Lady.

August 29, 2005
Categories: Pets . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Your Account Statement is Ready to View buttock

WEEKEND RECAP

FRIDAY

We began the evening by stopping at the Shitty Market in our old hood for movie snacks, before strolling down to Pacific Place to see The Brother’s Grimm. I was delighted to find not only BOTTLES of Blackthorn’s for sale, but also CANS of Strongbow. I felt like I was back in London for a brief moment. The Strongbow beckoned me and I had to purchase a 4-pack for the movie.
Oh Terry Gilliam. How the mighty have fallen. The movie wasn’t BAD certainly. But one has come to expect more from such a man than a cliché script, fairly ho-hum visuals and a whole bunch of jokes about the French. There were one or two cool Gilliam-esque special effects and I must say that the acting was, for the most part, enjoyable. Matt Damon isn’t terrible, even if his accent is (it’s reminiscent of a region of England that Meep would call Genericshire). Heath Ledger was only as annoying as his lines, though he played his character inexplicably gay. Perhaps he was preparing for his upcoming gay cowboys eating pudding film? Jonathan Pryce was, well, Jonathan Pryce, and therefore great, if not underused. It was delightful to see Gareth, even though he is well on his was to Type-cast Town. Overall, however, the film was a bit of a yawn, and that hurts coming from the man who made Time Bandits. It was almost saved by a hinted-at moment of homoeroticism, but they chickened out. Damn you, PG-13!
Meep, Dom and I all felt similar about our luke-warm feelings toward the film. Borg liked it. Krk, a die-hard Python and Gilliam fan, was pretty devastated. So devastated, in fact, that he could only go home and go to bed. The rest of us went back up the hill for a late-night snack and drink at the Canterbury. I was only two Strongbows ahead of everyone else. The Canterbury was fairly uneventful apart from the French-fry orgy.

SATURDAY

I had planned to go to yoga but I decided to forgo exercise for finishing Season One of Battlestar Galactica. As most of you know, it ended in true That-Carnivale-Guy fashion by making everything very open-ended and effed up. Thanks, guy! Even if you are sometimes mediocre, you really know how to leave your audience hungry for more. Luckily, Ben is going to get us caught up on Season Two thanks to his TeVo.
I did my yoga video, which is in no way as intense as the Bikram, but still reasonably effective, and then we got ready to go to Brugos’ Birthday Dodecacathelon. Oh happy day! We loaded the DDR in the car and the Troika + Sherrard headed Brugos-way for a day of games and drinking!
Well, games for everyone else. For me and Meep, it was all DDR all the time. Some of the games we didn’t participate in included Tang (something to do with speed-drinking), Egg-Tossing, Botchee Ball (sp?), and Keg Stands. To our surprise, Sherrard took part in the Keg Stands not once, but TWICE, consequently propelling him into instant drunkenness very early on. The party was, as Sherrard pointed out, a Sausage Fest. The result of this is many many drunken, shirtless men running around being obnoxious. This isn’t as sexy as it sounds. But I didn’t care. I was playing DDR. Meep and I got in round after round. For a long time uninitiated people would periodically pop their heads in and laugh at us before running to the backyard to binge drink. Eventually, a nice, open-minded couple (of course I’ve forgotten their names) who’d never DDR’d before showed up and were intrigued. They played a few rounds, and before long, they were just as addicted as us. The guy actually turned out to be some sort of prodigy, going from “beginner” mode to “light” (which is a fucking misnomer if I’ve ever heard it) mode with ease. Before long, he was playing everyone in light mode while they stayed on beginner and was KILLING the competition. Amazing. After dinner, Meep and I started drinking. For a while, the alcohol seemed to be helping. But only for a little while…
Things started to get a little hazy after that. I noticed the house was getting pretty trashed. I feel kinda bad for the Birthday Boy, who doubtless spent all day yesterday hung over and cleaning. I know there were conversations in the backyard, people eating raw eggs and running laps, a pie-eating contest, Borg, and some other guy jamming in the basement with Dom on drums. Meep and I sang “El Scorcho”. There was some playing with Brugos’ cat, Lucy. There was a crazy Russian guy who broke all Keg Stand records (I think his best was 45 seconds or something) and then passed out on the lawn. There were some drunk jerks (who were probably jerks sober as well) running around insulting people. There were some drunken declarations of admiration (in which I participated). And finally, there was karaoke on the X-Box. The selection was rather limited but I sang not one, but TWO Skid Row songs and had a fucking blast. I also got in a horrific rendition of “Cum On Feel the Noise”. Luckily, I got help on both that song and “I Remember You”. I need more butt rock on our at-home karaoke system, man. It reminded me of sophomore year of college when I hung out with Beth, Allison, Ann and KT at their on-campus house. Erik would pull out the acoustic guitar and we would sing all the butt-rock favorites until the sun came up. I’m telling you, Warrant is the perfect campfire sing-a-long band.
ANYWAY, at 2 or so (I think), poor Dom had to drive all our hammered asses back to the hill. At least I’m pretty sure he had a good time before people became incoherent.

SUNDAY

I may have had two bottles of Cook’s to myself, but it was over the course of 10 hours (yes, the party was that long. Longer, in fact, as we arrived late. THAT is why everyone was so useless by the end of the night.) That and sweating out the booze as I dance dance revolutioned all night. Furthermore, Dom was an angel with the water-bringing. So all I needed was to sleep in till 11 and I was fine.
Sunday was mine and Dom’s 3-year anniversary. Our big plans started with beginning Deadwood Season One. Then we showered and went to the Interbay Golf Course for some mini-golf. The weather held up nicely. Mini-golf was fun apart from the 4-5 year-old girl and her grandma who were speeding through the holes behind us and chasing us through the course. We would have let them play through but they would finish their last hole when we were ¾ through our hole and so it seemed like waiting would take forever. Instead, we finished the whole course in under an hour. Then we stopped at Fred Meyer in Ballard for a quick, romantic shopping trip, before going to dinner at Louis’ Chinese Restaurant. The food was really good, but about half-way through our meal, it became family hour. After dinner, we decided to drive to the U-District to see if we could catch a movie. We decided on The Aristocrats. See Mark, we DO see indie films in the theatre sometimes! We probably should have picked something else though. In retrospect, it seems like a waste to spend $9 on a mini-DV documentary. Overall, the film was interesting, but really not that funny. It wasn’t OFFENSIVE or anything. It was just kind of mediocre humor. Plus, I’m not a very big fan of most of the comedians they featured. Give me the Comedians of Comedy over Drew Carey any day. Plus, I don’t think I like seeing comedies with American audiences. They are so eager to laugh that they don’t really stop to think if the joke is funny or not. They just recognize the fact that they’ve just heard a punch line and so they laugh right on cue. This is, I think, why Meep, Dom and I tend to find ourselves laughing out loud in a silent theatre and vice versa. We actually LISTEN to what’s being said and, if it strikes us as funny, we laugh. It can’t be that our sense of humor is SO VASTLY different than the rest of the country’s, can it?

And thus endeth the anniversary date and the weekend.

NEXT WEEKED: Meep and I celebrate a finished script, and I take Sherwood to Bumbershoot for his Birthday.

August 29, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary, Filmpinions, Hug Your Television . Tags: , , . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Titular

Last night DZ and I went to a free screening of the film The Baxter, the movie that gives my surname a turkey-like connotation. The director, Michael Showalter, was to be in attendance. In the interest of protecting the innocent (us), I shall heretofore use pseudonyms for the antagonists of the story. As DZ and I waited in line, we were shocked to witness a rare event: A prominent figure in the local film making scene. Let’s call him James Lipton, was HIMSELF checking people’s names off the list. “Oh great,” I said to DZ. “This should be interesting,” I thought to myself. Mr. Lipton approached us and took our names. As I suspected, he recognized DZ’s name (from the numerous times DZ has sought out assistance from him, or invited him to a screening of OURS to no avail. The following exchange took place between DZ and Mr. Lipton as I stood off to the side willing my eyes to stop rolling.

Lippy: DZ! You do animation, right?
DZ: Uh…no. But I make movies.
Lippy: (with a look of complete, smarmy ignorance) And when am I going to see one of your movies?
DZ: Well, we submitted one to One Reel.
Lippy: Oh yeah? Which one was yours?
DZ: Snow Day, Bloody Snow Day.
Lippy: Ah yes. I remember that one. It was good. You came very close. But as I said in my [rejection] email, we had to make room for a lot of retrospective stuff. That takes up around six hours of programming. (DZ nods). Well, keep making movies!

I don’t actually remember what he said as a closing statement. It might not have been “Keep making movies”. But around the time he said “We HAD to make room for a lot of retrospective stuff”, my ears filled with blood and I went deaf with rage. I’m sure whatever he said was equally as dismissive and retarded. You HAD to make room for retrospective stuff?! Because there’s not enough of THAT in Seattle? It’s not like we have TWO THEATRES dedicated to showing retrospective works or anything. Who wants a film festival dedicated entirely to the works of local filmmakers? That would be BORING. I’m really glad Meep wasn’t there to see that. Actually, I’m NOT glad she wasn’t there because it would have been REALLY cool to see her shoot laser beams out her eyes and make his head explode. Sure, it would have been messy, but SOOOOO worth it.

Anyway, that little incident concluded, we went into the theatre and settled in for the movie. Another nemesis (a local editor who is EEEEEVIL), sat down across the aisle from us. Lippy came down to the front of the theatre to introduce the movie, doing his usual sycophantic/morning D.J. shpiel of getting the audience to repeat things back to him and cheer for various other projects that the director has been involved in. For the record, I only conceded out of my admiration for the director in question. Anywho, the movie began and I could tell immediately that it was going to be very different from Wet Hot American Summer or Stella. It was very subdued. Very quiet. Almost formulaic. But the cast was spot on and there were many little quirky moments of Stella-ness (non-televised Stella, I might add) thrown in. Justin Theroux was HILARIOUS. The man has got the looks AND the comedic chops. I was pleased to see Peter Dinklage in a role that doesn’t make reference to his stature. He is a very fantastic, understated actor. Many of the Stella/State favorites were there including David and the other Michael, Zach Orth, Joe Lo Truglio, A.J. Miles and even Ken Marino! And I don’t care what anybody says, I like Michelle Williams. She is really very good at being cute and likable. Sometimes it’s hard to look past her Jen Lindley years, but I think she definitely put Jen behind her in this movie. Overall, I would say that the film is worth watching at least twice, but I definitely prefer the Wet Hots of the world. As far as romantic comedies go, however (being a genre that I typically find intolerable), it was very enjoyable and just quirky enough to keep me from losing interest.

After the movie, Lippy introduced Mike Show who is surprisingly reticent without the company of his Stella cohorts. I was also a bit taken aback at seeing him, not only NOT in a suit, but dressed in a very indie looking plaid shirt and jeans. I’m sure he doesn’t wear a suit every day, but I’d gotten so used to seeing him like that. Anyway, Lippy asked his own questions for a while before opening it up to the floor. Here’s where the REAL fun started. God, I hate James Lipton audiences. They try so hard to ask questions that sound insightful and original, but instead they come off as snobbish or sycophantic or just plain crazy.

When Lippy mentioned the editing of the film, Eeeeeevil Editor actually CLAPPED. Why? Because he wanted Lippy and Show to acknowledge HIM. And it WORKED. “Oh, are you an editor?”, asked Lippy? WHO CARES? This isn’t YOUR Q&A! Later, Eeeeevil Editor asked a question about the editing and you could tell that he wanted Show to ask him a question in return. “That’s how WE edited The Baxter. How do YOU edit YOUR movies, Eeeeevil?”

Other stupid questions included:
“Did you have a dwarf in mind when you were writing the wedding planner character?” Answer: No.
A question about the plot that I won’t go into detail about for risk of spoilers, but rest assured that anyone who paid attention to the film would have already known the answer.

And finally…”When is The State coming out on DVD?”
Answer: “I don’t know.”

There were a few good questions in there too. Not everyone at these things is developmentally challenged. Someone asked if “the Baxter” is a real term. Answer: “No. I made it up.” Essentially, Show wanted a word that sounded nebbish and square and a bit old fashioned and that’s what he came up with. The person who asked the question said “Well, I think it works perfectly”. HEY!!!! But yes, it does. Damn.

Someone asked why Show decided to go it alone on this one and he answered that it’s a story he’s been thinking about for a while and it’s basically another side of him that he’s wanted to explore. But he can’t really do that with the other guys around because it always ends up being about dildos and necrophilia. Heh.

I really want to know what these directors think of James Lipton when they come to Seattle. Do they think he’s a tool? Do they think that he revered by all the people that are on his list? Do they think he’s a swell guy?

Despite all my bitching, I would say that it was an enjoyable experience. It was a good movie which I will see again (with Meep, whose crush on Justin Theroux is doubtless going to skyrocket) and it was cool to see a different side of Michael Showalter. But damn that James Lipton.

August 26, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary, Filmpinions, I Made Movies . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

thu

I missed YET ANOTHER opportunity to see a preview of Serenity. This time it was through the Warren Report. I JUST checked the website yesterday afternoon and then checked it again yesterday evening. During that time, Serenity had been posted and filled up. It’s ok. I have always assumed I was just going to see it for the first time on opening night. But it’s a bit frustrating because who the hell ARE these people that either have fantastic timing, or troll the relevant sites 24/7? In addition, this sort of thing makes me fear for opening night. I realize now that this is likely to be something of LOTR proportions. And that’s GREAT for Joss and the Browncoats because it means we will probably be treated to two more Serenity films. But it also means that no matter where the movie is playing (Cinerama?), I will probably have to get in line straight after work.
I am also sad to report that Dom will be out of town on opening night. The Troika will not be seeing it together. I only hope that Dom will be able to find someone equally (or at least MARGINALLY) excited to see it with him on opening night in Hell-A.

I think I can already hazard a guess as to whom else out of my faithful LJ-ers are planning on descending on their local cinema in coats of brown on 9/30. The day draws nigh, my friends.

August 25, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary, Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

No start he monorail slab

WEEKEND UPDATE

FRIDAY

The evening began at the really delicious Samui That. Faye and I were still suffering from some sort of mental allergy to an overdose of gorgonzola cheese the night before. (I’m only partially joking. Faye and I are both allergic to penicillin. However, we only react to moldy cheeses a fraction of the time. Well, Faye made a lovely gorgonzola pasta and afterward, I developed a small rash and Faye and I were mentally whacked for the entire next day.) So Faye was feeling pretty weird and I was acting silly without the influence of drugs or alcohol. I think Dom was a little freaked. Anyway, we ate a delicious dinner in the company of Ben and, later, Borgia. After dinner, we stopped at the QFC for enforcements. Dom headed home to work. The rest of us were regrettably late arriving to Sherrard’s place to watch one of the performances on the Bill Hicks DVD. When we arrived, Sherrard and Dan were listening to the David Hasselhoff album “Night Rocker”, which, in my gorgonzola haze, sounded to me like Talking Heads. I was overjoyed when Sherrard handed me my very own copy! We opened our booze, marveled at the lovely job Sherrard had done decorating his flat, (we hadn’t been there since he’d first moved in), and set about watching the DVD. It was a performance that I’d never seen before. I had heard many of the jokes, but Hicks is remarkable at making each of his “bits” come off as completely off-the-cuff and organic every time. This is probably because the comedy of Hicks isn’t your typical “do you ever notice…?” act. Instead, it’s Hicks the Profit speaking directly from the heart about all the ways in which the world is fucked up and how easy it would be to fix it all if we just stopped being assholes and loved each other. Of course, this is all delivered using hilarious analogies, characters like Goat Boy, and sound effects galore. So you don’t even realize how truly poetic it is until the end when he signs off with a completely earnest message about love and you notice the tears streaming down your face. I may have listened to his records many times, but Hicks was a performer. He needs to be watched to truly appreciate his impact. It becomes horrifically apparent how true it is that nothing gold can stay. There are many people who think Bill Hicks is funny. I don’t think enough of those people comprehend that he was actually trying to change people’s perceptions and make the world a better place. Thank you, Sherrard, for sharing the DVD with us.
After we dried our tears, we followed Ben to the Canterbury. I had finished a bottle of wine, I believe, by myself. Faye had not yet begun to drink. I’m not sure if it made a difference though. At that point, I was pretty obliterated so the rest of the evening zoomed past and we closed out the Canterbury.

SATURDAY

Dom allowed me to tag along on his date to meet Matt, the Script Reader. We had coffee and Matt asked us questions about producing that, well, only Dom could answer. He then took off to watch the Stranger Amateur Porn contest and Dom and I set about preparing for the Fundue Party! We bought some groceries and then started cleaning. I took a shower and changed into one of my mom’s old dresses from the 70’s. Around 3:30, I chopped bread, fruit and broccoli and then watched The Station Agent, which ended with just enough time for me to start cooking the fondue. I just made a Swiss fondue and a Gruyere and Swiss without alcohol for Dom. I also had some mircrowaveable vegan chocolate fondue for dessert. Meanwhile, Dom put on his brown sharkskin suit. We were ready to party. Brugos and Faye arrived on time and we chowed down. I was a little annoyed that people arrived late, being that it was a dinner party. But, for some reason, a lot of people THOUGHT that it started at 8 (who eats at 8?! New Yorkers?) and so they didn’t think they were late. In attendance at that point were Aiyana, Andrew, and Ben. Aiyana brought a lovely vegetarian fish loaf that looked awesome. Dan and Sherrard arrived around 8:45 and scooped up the last of the cheese. We were already well into a game a Cranium at that point. Kayobi arrived around 9 and, hopefully, got something to eat. Then we broke out the Taboo! Faye and I were forbidden to be on the same team which I still resent. But neither of our teams won. Team Ben proved victorious with Team Aiyana coming in 2nd and Team Cunt (my team), in 3rd. The losing team became the proud owners of a can of “Potted Meat Food Product” which I’d purchased some weeks back for Sherrard at QFC as a joke but neglected to give it to him. Given that Kayobi and I are both vegetarians, the potted meat was Sherrard’s. Fate had brought it to it’s rightful owner at last. After Sherred read the ingredients out loud, (which I found on line!), we HAD to open the can.

The first thing we noticed was the smell. It was similar to, but less pleasant than the Fancy Feast that my kitties enjoy every night. Second, in the middle of a cylindrical lump of “potted meat” was a hole, as if a factory worker had decided to stick their penis in there “just out of curiosity” right before sealing up the can. There was no going back. Someone had to taste it. Sherrard, brave man that he is, and who, as a result of his time in Taiwan, also has a history of consuming the inconsumable, got a fork and scooped up a small piece. He stuck his tongue on the offending morsel and immediately noticed the extreme saltiness. Less than 2% of sodium indeed. Eventually, he worked it into his mouth. The look on his face, after that, was priceless. It also spurred on Ben and Dan to try it as well. No one enjoyed it in the least, but, to my knowledge, none those adventurous souls have yet contracted salmonella.
Ben, Aiyana and Andrew left us. Kayobi made the mistake of mentioning that she had watched the first 4 episodes of Buffy on the DVD that I lent her, and wasn’t as keen on them as she’d been on Firefly (her first foray into the world of Whedon). In a panic, I shoved Buffy Season 3 into her hands, but Faye had a better idea. We should just have her watch “Hush”. It doesn’t require TOO much back story to appreciate, The Gentlemen are scary as hell, and what better way to show a skeptic the genius of Joss than to show them an episode with almost no dialogue. And we think it worked! I also decided to lend her Angel Season 1 because she mentioned that it was hard to get into a show about high school kids at this stage of life, supernatural as their stories may be. When the episode was over, we turned off the DVD player to find Starship Troopers on TV. People began to trickle out the door at that point, but a few stayed on to watch the vagina slug fuck up some dudes and to briefly make fun of Denise Richards.
And that’s a party at the Zookster House.

SUNDAY

It’s amazing how easy it is to clean up from a party when the apartment was actually clean before the party began. There may be something to this whole “keeping your place tidy” thing.
Yoga was good. I’m finally back to my skill level that I was at before my month and a half of laziness. It is really hard to do Bikram when it’s 80 degrees outside though.
Back at home, I made dinner, and listened to my mom tell me some more of her government conspiracy theories. This time she thinks that the ID chips that the pound injects into the animals is another way for the government to find you and invade your privacy. I asked her what the government would want to “find” me for and she said “Anything. Anything at all. It’s just like when Nixon tried to get the government to allow televisions to have cameras installed into them so that they could watch you in your house.” I said “I think that was actually Orwell”. And she said “Exactly!” It’s around that point in the conversation when I stop trying to reason with her and just let her finish her tirade so I can eat dinner before it gets cold.
At 7, Dom and I watched the exciting conclusion to Dr. Who and I was dismayed to learn that it really WAS the conclusion. I guess we’d found it right near the end of the series. Now I really WILL need to buy the DVD’s. Damn.
Dom and I then started in on Battlestar Galactica which, despite the fact that so far they’ve over-explained the simple things and under-explained the more confusing plot points, is really really cool. And 3 episodes in, I’ve got me quite the little crush on Starbuck.

NEXT WEEKEND: Faye and I bring DDR over to Brugos’ house and spend the day alienating ourselves in his TV room!

CORRECTIONS BY DOM
Woah woah… the night didn't end after Hush! We shut off Hush and brought the lights back up. People made their exit, leaving Sherrard, Faye, Brugos and of course Jessica and I. After trying to entice people with my greatest hits of TV from the 70s and 80s – which enraged Sherrard – I was rather loudly berated into manning the karaoke machine. So I did. And for the next hour, despite telling Jessica to sing quietly, everyone did their very best to outsing everyone else. I was shot the evil eye from Sherrard and Jessica who were sure I was purposefully keeping the microphone off or at a low volume. After about 20 minutes, as expected, the allure of karaoke wore off and most folks went into the kitchen and Faye stuck it out and kept singing. It was nearly 2AM at this point and Sherrard rejoined the group, but things were a little more muted and overall we just enjoyed the videos, as usual.

THEN we turned off the karaoke and watched Starship Troopers as people left. My sober eye records all.

Thank you Dom. I can see it all now, clear as day.

August 22, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

And go of commission enact

Welcome to the FUCKED survey. These are all FUCKED, random, interesting, personal questions.

Baxter’s note: I wouldn’t call any of these questions “fucked”. I think the creator just wanted to write “fucked” as many times as possible to exude an air of danger. OOOOH! Anyway…

HAVE YOU EVER? …YES/NO (feel free to elaborate on your answers to make it a quasi-interesting read)

1. Given a homeless guy more than $5?
Nope.

2. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out?
What could Dom POSSIBLY spend that much money on?

3. Had sex with more than one person in a day?
No.

4. Hooked up with a good friends bf/gf behind their back?
Never.

5. Dated two people at once?
Yes. But neither was exclusive so it was ok.

6. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't mack down on?
Clearly this is a myspace meme. And frankly, I feel like it’s accusing me of something.

8. Failed more than one class?
I failed exactly one class. Well, I didn’t FAIL. I got a D. But for some reason, at my college, a D means you have to take statistics over again.

9. Took someone's virginity when you weren't a virgin?
Yes.

10. Hooked up with someone from a different race?
Yes.

11. Ran around naked outside…daytime/night time?
Yes. It was truth or dare and…BOY was I drunk.

12. Scubadived/snorkoled?
No.

13. Want to fuck (there’s that naughty word again!) the person who posted this?
Not especially. No offense.

14. Dated someone you didn't want your friends to meet?
Heh. Actually, the crazier they were, the MORE I wanted my friends to meet them. Because I needed them to feel my pain before it was over.

15. Got your stomach pumped, from alcohol poisoning?
Luckily, no.

16. Threw up from alcohol?
Unluckily, yes.

17. Been suspended from school?
Nope. But I did get a few “demerits”. Mostly for dress code violations but one, I was especially proud of: Not bowing my head during prayer in assembly!

18. Kissed someone of the same sex?
Yep.

19. Wore a short skirt with out panties?
Not a short skirt. If I’m going commando, it’s because I don’t have any clean underwear and I’m not about to get busted by wearing a short skirt.

20. Let a guy paint your toenails?
Why would I do that?

21. Met someone famous?
Yes!

22. Saved someone's life?
Nope.

23. Seen someone die?
No. But I’ve seen a few people on their way out.

24. Killed someone?
Heh. I doubt a murderer would be filling out a meme.

25. Been in a physical fight?
Only with my brother.

26. Hooked up with someone 10yrs older or younger?
No.

27. Been arrested?
No.

28. Spent the night in jail?
I’ve never even been in a working prison. Sounds like fun though.

29. Been in more than three car accidents in a year?!
No.

30. Had sex outside?
Yes.

31. Given or gotten road head?
You know, I haven’t. And it’s not because I’m unadventurous. It’s more to do with the fact that I don’t want to die in an embarrassing fashion. I’ve pulled over to the side of the road for the goods though.

32. Had sex in your house when your parents were there?
Actually, yes. I lost my virginity with my parents downstairs. Everyone was asleep though. And our stairs were creaky enough so that I knew I wouldn’t get caught. Also, being my first time, there was NO chance of me making any noises of passion.

33. Had phone sex?
Yes. It’s not for me.

34. Been turned off by someone's personal hygiene?
Once or twice. But mostly, I don’t mind man stink.

35. Told someone you loved them when you didn't?
I don’t think so. Not for any nefarious reasons, anyway.

42. Danced on top of a bar?
No.

43. Had sex somewhere in your high school?
That would have been impossible for many reasons.

44. Bought a vibrator?
Several.

45. Been in a porn shop?
Whenever possible.

46. Been in a dance competition?
Hehe! Does DDR count?

47. Ever had a threesome?
Only in my dreams. And that’s probably where it’s best left.

48. Spent more than one night in a hospital?
No. One night is bad enough.

49. OD'd on a drug?
When you throw up from drinking, isn’t that kind of like ODing? Certainly it means you’ve had too much alcohol.

50. Lied on a retarded Myspace Bulletin Quiz?
I’d like to think of this meme as “developmentally disabled”.

August 18, 2005
Categories: Meme Crazy . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Red Eye

Last night I went to see a free screening of Wes Craven’s new “thriller”, Red Eye. I wasn't expecting brilliance, of course, but, being a fan of horror, I thought it might at least be entertaining. I really should have taken it as a bad omen when the film opened with a trailer for a movie called Just Like Heaven.

Just Like Heaven is about a cute young successful nurse, played by Reese Witherspoon, who is leading an otherwise “unremarkable” life. (And by “unremarkable”, they mean that she doesn't have a boyfriend. For shame!) One day, Reece dies in a freak accident. (Boo hoo!). But don't cry for Little Miss because then she returns as a spunky, adorable GHOST who, not knowing she’s dead, haunts her old apartment, (now occupied by Mark Ruffalo). The unlikely pair run around trying to convince people that Ghost Reece actually exists and that Mark Ruffalo isn't crazy. Hijinks inevitably ensue. When Napoleon Dynamite shows up as an ineffectual paranormal expert, the hijinks just keep on ensuing! Later, exhausted from all the hijinking, Ghost Reece and Mark Ruffalo discover that…wait for it…they’re fallen in love! Finally, to throw some peanuts on that sundae, the marketing department rapes a Cure song by using it for both the title AND the theme music. It’s Ghost meets The Man with Two Brains but without any of the sexiness of the former or the comedy of the latter! Would that I were joking, friends. WOULD THAT I WERE MAKING THIS UP!! Clearly, the only thing that could redeem a film like this would be to have one of two surprise endings.

1. Ghost Reece is revealed to be the adorable, spunky incarnation of The Prince of Darkness, who, in true Beelzebub fashion, only convinces Mark Ruffalo to fall in love with her so that he can impregnate her and their hybrid offspring can usher in the end of days.

2. Mark Ruffalo is actually in an insane asylum and the entire move was just a hallucination brought on by enough sedatives to bring down an elephant.

Sadly, I have a feeling that neither of those things is going to happen.

As for the feature presentation, it truly amazes me what Wes Craven agrees to put his name on these days. Cillian Murphy I can forgive for participating because I'm sure that when he agreed to make this film, he had no idea that Batman Begins would became a box office success. And also because he’s so very pretty. I could watch a 3 1/2 hour Kenneth Branagh remake of Moulin Rouge if it meant getting to gaze into Cillian's big blue eyes the entire time. But I digress.

But Wes, dude! Were you even awake when you were directing this? Were you stricken temporarily BLIND at the start of filming but were afraid to tell anybody for fear of halting production? I realize that your legacy isn’t exactly filled with think-pieces, but at least movies like Nightmare on Elm Street were FUN. This wasn’t fun. Well, it was fun at TIMES, but only in the sense that scoffing at plot holes with your friends can be fun. However, making fun of plot holes becomes tiresome when you realize that NOTHING in the movie makes sense.

And the characters were so BORING. I couldn’t care one iota about Rachel McAdams’ character. She was dim and uninteresting. Cillian's Jackson Rippner (get it???!!), was engaging at first, whatwith the piercing blue eyes displaying a charming evil which suggests that you would almost enjoy being stabbed to death by his lovely Irish hand. But once I realised that he was given NOTHING to work with, I just wanted to movie to be over. Even the comedy of Cillian's inexplicable display of T-100-like invulnerability wasn't enough to hold my interest. Once again, this movie would have been made SO MUCH BETTER by the surprise introduction of supernatural elements. But alas, we weren't given such a reprieve. We were only given boring, far-fetched political assassination plots. The only person I DID feel sorry for was Brian Cox. Not Brian Cox’s character, mind you. Brian Cox the incredibly gifted actor, who was forced to spend much of the movie sitting in his living room watching “The Comedy Marathon” and acting into a phone.

So what, you ask? You saw a bad movie. There are loads of them out there. What’s the big deal? The big deal is this: While Dom, Andrew and I sat agape at the ridiculous monstrosity before us; the rest of the audience was eating out of Wes Craven’s blind, incontinent hands. They clapped whenever anything remotely actiony happened. They gasped at the extremely predictable “startling” moments. One girl two rows behind us was so invested in the story that she threw herself against the wall in response to a jump cue. The women directly behind us actually said “You go, girl!” I don’t think I have to tell you that I take moments like this as categorical sign of the impending apocalypse.

Maybe Reece Witherspoon is trying to tell us something…

August 17, 2005
Categories: Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Of forget to anode

WEEKEND RECAP

FRIDAY

At Dom’s behest (and with Gadzook money), Faye and I agreed to have “Plight of the Living Dead” read by a professional…um…guy who reads scripts and offers constructive criticism. The process is called “Script Coverage”, but I don’t know what you call one who covers scripts. A Coverager? Anyway, we did it, and we met with the guy on Friday to discuss his notes. Faye and I were very nervous about the whole process. What if the guy just doesn’t understand our humor? What if he doesn’t even LIKE zombie movies? Well, we got his notes ahead of time, and they were mostly positive. But there were a few things in there that made us a little defensive. It’s VERY hard to take yourself out of a script you’ve been writing for 4 years. The guy (Matt was his name) had some good suggestions, and overall, he really liked the script. He said so several times. In fact, he said that if we were to start shooting tomorrow, we would have a good, cult-status movie on our hands. But if we revised a few things, we would have a GREAT movie that may even become a sleeper hit. So that sounds pretty good, right? Well, yes. It is. But like I said, it’s really EXTREMELY hard to step back from your work. So Faye and I, at first, felt like we had just gone to a parent-teacher conference wherein the teacher tells you your child, your pride and joy, is very intelligent but is they are performing below their potential and will need some tutoring or maybe to be placed in special ed. It was extremely traumatic for us. Luckily, we HAD read his notes before meeting with him so we had some time to lick our wounds and sleep on it. By the time we met with him, we had realized that he had quite a few good ideas. So now, Faye and I will do one more draft of the script before the end of August. We spent the rest of Friday evening getting drunk with Matt. He’s a cool guy which, at least for me, made the taking of the critical medicine that much easier. Anybody who loves “Human Nature” and “Swamp Thing” is definitely coming from a similar place. Maybe that was his plan all along…
Unfortunately, I was going on an almost empty stomach. Since we started out at the Coastal Kitchen (what’s up, pricey), I decided to wait on getting a snack, thinking we would only have one drink there. We had two. And then we moved to the Canterbury where I got another drink and a half in me before any food arrived. I was very dipleased with my order of garlic bread. Sorry, dears. Stale bread that’s been lightly buttered and sprinkled with garlic salt before being burned in a toaster oven is NOT Garlic Bread. Matt was kind enough to share his fries with us, however. Regardless, the lining of the stomach with carbs was too little too late, my friend. Too little, too late.

SATURDAY

Horrible raging hangover, check. Wasting the entire morning nursing said hangover, check. While I drank glass after glass of water and waited for the pain medication to kick in, I watched Confessions of a Dangerous Mind again. Great flick. I like that Clooney fellow. I think he has quite a bit of potential. Honestly, his direction harkens back to the 60’s and 70’s when making a movie was more than just filming scenes. It was about telling a story through pictures. Some of the composition is just beautiful. My only criticism of the film (besides Drew Barrymore) is that Clooney didn’t really pick a visual motif and stick with it. He kind of looks, at times, to be experimenting. Overall, however, I’m impressed. Sam Rockwell is an incredible actor. And also one of those not terribly attractive men who can convince you to have a crush on him based on charisma alone. In light of that, who am I to argue with a film that requires Sam Rockwell to be naked for over a third of the scenes? It helps with the pain, I’ll tell you what.

So around 3:00, I was still hung-over, but nursing time was over. I had to get ready to go to a short screening at the Rendezvous (for another Matt. Remember, kids. If you can’t remember the name of a male filmmaker, chances are they are called Matt, Mark or Eric). It being a beautiful day, Dom and I had planned to walk, but because of my useless ass, we didn’t get out of the house until 10 to 4, and we were supposed to be there at 4:15. Thank Christ for the Focus. We sped downtown and found a parking spot fairly easily. Matt was kind enough to show a trailer for “Snow Day” before his short, “Merlot” screened. We got out of there at 5 and had to speed back up the hill to meet the 48-Hour Film Challenge team at Linda’s. Why were we meeting? Because we WON, motherfuckers! Pretty cool. We had dinner and a few rounds there before Faye and I decided we needed to exodus. We aren’t fans of Linda’s and only showed up there because that was where the two fellows who suggested the party wanted to go. Sherrard came with us and Ryan and The Kidd went downtown “for a bit”. Needless to say, we didn’t see them again for the rest of the night. We ended up the Satellite, and I once again attempted to find some satisfying garlic bread. To no avail. This time it was some kind of basil infused tapanade over crustinis. NOT GARLIC BREAD. Kayobi and (yet another) Matt came by and later, Dom, Borgia and Cherry left Linda’s to join us.
When you start your evening at 6:00, coming him at 12:45 doesn’t seem so early. Still, I convinced myself I needed to watch a movie, so I put in Dark City. I fell asleep before Murdoch even meets Dr. Schreber.

SUNDAY

T’was a typical Sunday in many ways. I did some chores and Dom and I went to the grocery store. This time, however, we went to Trader Joe’s. We spent ABOUT the same as we would at Safeway, and we got some really healthy stuff. So we both feel pretty good about it. For lunch, we had Trader Joe’s tomato and roasted red pepper soup and grilled cheese on organic wheat bread and it was a delicious meal. If we don’t get lazy, I think we’ll really be able to pull off this whole “healthy eating” thing.

Kayobi and I have been trying to convince each other to go to one another’s yoga class for a while now. Yesterday, she finally convinced ME to go to HERS. I usually do Bikram Yoga, which is the “hot yoga”. The whole thing takes place in a room that’s heated to 106 degrees. This is meant, mainly, to make you more limber. So my first concern with Kayobi’s yoga was that I wouldn’t be able to do any of the positions without the presence of the heat. Right away, I could tell that these were two completely different schools of yoga. Besides the lack of heat, the studio also has hardwood floors. The class starts off with some meditation (instead of just the breathing at Bikram), and the teacher reads a poem. Then the teacher turns on some New Age music (no music at Bikram) and we get into the positions, which, I noticed all too well, were very hard on my knees. And not just the standing positions. The floor positions are all very knee-oriented as well. At the end of the class, we did some more meditation and the teacher read another poem. I was disappointed that I didn’t feel nearly as worked as I do at Bikram. I was sweating, but I missed that overall weary feeling that Bikram gives me. The feeling that lets me know that I just worked out every single muscle in my body. Maybe if my knees weren’t so weak, I would have gotten more out of it. But I also really like the down-to-business aspect of Bikram. The class lasts an hour and a half and we work out for the WHOLE hour and a half. At Kayobi’s place, we spent at least half an hour chanting or meditating. I can see how that would be good for some people, but I go to yoga to work out, not to meditate. I have never been able to meditate. And it’s not that Bikram isn’t spiritual. It is. But the whole “clear your mind, let your negativity go” stuff happens WHILE you’re in the positions. It’s the ultimate yoga for multitaskers. And, as my resume clearly shows, that is ME, baby!
Today I am sore in places that I shouldn’t be, like my knees and the portion of my spine that juts out at the base of my neck. In fact, I’m less sore and more bruised. I blame the hardwood floors. I don’t think I’ll be going back to that one. That’s not too say that I will never try anything else but Bikram. But I am fairly convinced that Kayobi’s place is not for me. Once again, I feel very fortunate about the circumstances under which I first tried yoga. If I hadn’t gone to the Sweat Box on that day, with that amount of energy, I might have written off all of yoga as something that “isn’t for me”. (Of course, it stands to reason that I really shouldn’t write things off so readily.) Next week, Kayobi’s going to come with me to the Sweat Box. I have a feeling she’s going to HATE it. :)
When I got back, I made dinner and Dom and I watched Dr. Who (which was SO good! It’s all I can do to keep from spending $80 on the whole season at Amazon.co.uk!) After dinner, I did some work and then popped in “Midnight Cowboy”, which I’d never seen. It made me a little sad that so few people try to make movies like that anymore. Movies in which the cinematography is just as important to the story as the script. It also struck me that there were really only two pieces of music in the film. At first, I was put off by it, but by the end, I couldn’t have seen it any other way. Music is another thing that seems to be so secondary in films today. I was struck by that when watching The Devil’s Rejects too. The soundtrack to that film is PERFECT and was obviously very carefully selected. Probably the reason music has taken a backseat in films these days is because it’s so hard to secure the rights to music. Faye and I have a couple songs written into our script and we’ve been told over and over again that we shouldn’t make reference to a particular song because it frightens off investors. But we didn’t just write in songs we happened to hear on the radio at the time or anything. We try and write scenes to Tangents songs just because we’d have more of a chance getting the rights. We chose them because those are THE songs we want there. Still, sometimes restrictions work in your favor. The music in the original Donnie Darko is perfect and a lot of those songs were compromises for Richard Kelly. I still haven’t seen the Director’s Cut to decide if he was right all along. But what he ended up with the first time worked really well.

At this point, I’m rambling. Sorry about that. Boredom is a bitch.

August 15, 2005
Categories: Dear Diary, I Made Movies . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

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