People Puke and Poop Their Pants

At least, according to Ashley on Rock of Love Bus, they do. But I don’t think she was referring to normal adults. She only meant drunk, cartoonish trannies who have made it their life’s goal to follow Bret Michaels around on a bus. Ashley was the first person given a pass this week. Beverly was given the old “bottom 3 warning” for drunkenly kissing Bret’s kind of cute, nameless drummer. (Does anyone know that guy’s name? Bret even referred to him as “my drummer”.)

Bret is only keeping Beverly around because she knows all the words to his shitty songs. She doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning on account of her tendency, even under the influence of alcohol, to make normal human decisions (apart from her decision to leave her 3 (three!!) children to try and date Bret Michaels).

My Mister is convinced that this season of ROLB is brought to you by Ashton Kutcher. In the final episode, he will choose one of the 2 trannies to “rock his world”. And then whichever one it is will pull out their penis and Ashton will come around the corner laughing. At least I hope this is what happens. Because if this show is actually for real, WE ARE ALL DOOMED.

Goodbye, Marcia! We will miss your bruised, tequila infused, Brazilian ass.

January 28, 2009
Categories: Hug Your Television . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Bret Michaels: Class Act

Last night on Rock of Love Bus, after discovering which of his potential true loves would be the most nurturing mother by having them use a baby doll in a bandanna into a hockey goal, Bret took the winners on a very romantic date. Where is the most romantic place Bret Michaels can think of to take a date? To the strip club, of course! Now, strip clubs can be a very sexy date destination and can spice up your love life. But normally couples just watch strippers together. Bret is a different class of gentleman. He doesn’t want to look at other strippers. He only wants to look at his beautiful date(s). So how does he tell them he thinks they are the most beautiful women in the room? He makes them BECOME the strippers.

Now, for some of these ladies, this was NOT a problem. They have plenty of experience in the Skank profession. But poor “tom boy” (so-called because she likes to wear actual clothes) Beverly didn’t feel comfortable getting friendly with the stripper pole and swapping bodily fluids with whatever was closest.

Beverly! Honey! What is WRONG with you? How can you ever expect a man to know you’re interested if you don’t slut it up for him on a stripper stage? She made the cut this time, but she really needs to step it up, lest he think she’s here for “the wrong reasons”.

January 19, 2009
Categories: Hug Your Television, This is the End . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Wreck of Love…LITERALLY

What was I just saying?. Apparently one of the Rock of Slut buses was in an accident, resulting in the fatalities of 2 teenage girls and the serious injuries of an elderly couple. I think we all now know what continuing to shoot and air this show will bring…

…Ragnarök.

January 12, 2009
Categories: Hug Your Television, This is the End . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Portends Re: Rock of Love Bus

You may wonder why there were so many commercials for Herpecin during Rock of Love Bus. It is because you can contract herpes by simply WATCHING Rock of Love Bus. If you watched an episode in its entirety, chances are you now have eye herpes.

That completely insane extra draggy version of Daisy who had to be escorted off the set at the end of the pilot, now lives behind the studio dumpster and haunts the dreams of aspiring actresses who just moved to Hollywood from Deep River, Ontario.

When the final episode of Rock of Love Bus airs, it will open a portal to hell. Only Dean and Sam Winchester can stop this from happening.

January 6, 2009
Categories: Hug Your Television, This is the End . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 5 Comments

BSG’s “Astonishing Revelations”

Today, Scifi.com starts their 10 part webisode series which will lead up to the final season of Battlestar Galactica. I was extremely pleased to learn that they revolve around one of my favorite characters, Gaeta. Well, they deliver those aforepromised “astonishing revelations” in spades. SPOILERS, ya’ll. Continue reading →

December 12, 2008
Categories: Hug Your Television . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

Please Be Careful Out Theeeeeeeere

Schmader loves Cop Rock as much as me. And he should. It was pretty incredible. It’s absolutely ridiculous but everyone in the cast plays it completely straight. The result was…well, better than Trapped in the Closet.

When is this gonna be on DVD?!

November 28, 2008
Categories: Hug Your Television, YooToob . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Hotter with a Beard: Jason Priestly Edition

His camp turn on Tru Calling rekindled my crush on Jason Priestly. And re-watching all the old Beverly Hills 90210 episodes on SoapNet reminds me how it started. He was hilarious on that show and the only character who was never annoying.

J.P. is hot with a beard, but he’s also adorable clean-shaven. He’s the one pin-up from that era whose popularity I really got. He had Wolverine hair before Hugh Jackman and Marcel cornered the market. And those side burns were something else.

I also recommend a hilarious little movie called Cold Blooded, written by Simpson’s writer and Wes Anderson’s BFF, Wallace Wolodarsky. Jason plays a bookie who discovers he has the loose morals needed to be a successful hit man. The killer cast also includes Robert Loggia, Janeane Garofalo and Michael J. Fox. It’s only available on VHS but it’s worth buying used or renting from your friendly neighborhood indie video store. Dust off that VCR and watch it.

November 22, 2008
Categories: Hotter with a Beard, Hug Your Television . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Freaking Hot Topic. That Explains Everything.

I guess Trey and Matt are as tired of Twilight-mania as I am. Sure, they’re not as solid as they once were, but it makes me very happy that South Park can still crank out inspired gems after all these years. I loved the first goth kid episode and I’m happy to have those characters back. And, of course, every Butters-centric episode is usually a winner.

In “The Ungroundable”, the goth kids are usurped by the Vampire Kids, former Banana Republic preps who are inspired by Twilight (though it’s not mentioned by name, the characters are) and have decided to become dark and brooding. But they get it all wrong.

Trey has a perfect understanding of Old Skool Gothdom. I don’t know if he ever hung with the goths in high school but I know that the Cure is his favorite band. That’s probably why he was perfectly able to mimic Joy Division and Siouxsie and the Banshees to play in every Goth kids scene. It’s nice to have my teenage subculture accurately represented on TV. What happens to the South Park goths is similar to what happened when Marilyn Manson became big. Suddenly, everyone was wearing pleather and people suddenly lumped me in with those guys. ANNOYING.

Butters finally helps them track down the source of the problem: Hot Topic. Now they know what they must do.

After that, they hold a school assembly to explain the difference between them and the Vampire kids.

If you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are goth. If, however, you like dressing in black cos it’s fun, enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks, and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who actually thinks they’re a vampire is freaking retarded.

I watch South Park to laugh, but every once in a while, they also make me feel like I’m reading my dairy. For that reason, no matter how many crappy episodes they make, I will be a South Park fan forever.

November 22, 2008
Categories: Dear Diary, Hug Your Television . . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

She’s All Ears

ANTM Cycle 11 continues to entertain with the makeover episode. And I was on board with almost all of the end results (I even warmed up to Elina’s transformation into Tori Amos…eventually).

But McKey’s (Mmmmkay?) never worked for me. The black hair is nice, and probably more versatile than her bright red hair but why the big chunky sideburns? All they do is accent her ears which I never noticed before but now can’t stop noticing.

mckey before mckey after

Awful. Why not a cute little chunky bob instead? This is NOT a good haircut. In panel all the judges seemed brainwashed. Nigel and Paulina were so monotone when they talked about her new look. “Oh yes, this is quite an improvement. Yes, we love it. Looooooove iiiiiit. Braaaaaains.”

My favorite part of the episode, of course, was Tyra’s wonderful little Snow White skit in which she ate the poisoned apple given to her by the evil witch Ms. J, convulsed into a coma and had to be revived by her one true gay boyfriend, MR. J. I couldn’t even believe what I was watching. Is there really so little actual drama in the house that they have to write skits to fill time? Or is Tyra just demanding more screen time because she’s such a “good” actress. She sure can play the hell out of a Makeover Fairy. That high-pitched faux British accent is DEFINITELY how real fairies sound. Give that bitch an award!

September 18, 2008
Categories: Hug Your Television . . Author: Baxter . Comments: 2 Comments

ANTM: The Eleventh Time’s a Charm

As per usual, I sat down with a group of friends to watch the new cycle of America’s Next Top Model. I expected Tyra take the crazy up another notch. I expected a bunch of dumb little strips of bacon to embarrass themselves in front of a panel of judges. I even expected the tranny (thanks to a media tip-off). But there were two things I didn’t see coming…

antm 111) The special effects. Apparently Tyra is a really big “Who Wants To Be A Superhero?” fan because she totally stole their state-of-the-art lightening and beaming effects. She also clearly worked with a cyborg dialect coach. Excelsior!

2) I actually LIKE some of these girls. That hasn’t happened in forever. I was pretty convinced that every aspiring model in the world was a small-minded, selfish, vapid, evil backstabbing bitch.

But while Isis (the tranny) comes off as a little slow, she also seems like a really good person. She works at a non-profit and she is actually a trained model. She even impressed Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker with her lighting knowledge (though not so much with her booty which the camera caught him checking out. That was a yuck face if I’ve ever seen one.)

I was really impressed by McKey (Mmmkaaaay) who stood up for Isis when the clear villain of the cycle, Clark (with no E), was picking on her. I predict that the Alaskan Moose Girl is going to be brainwashed and become Clark(e)’s minion. I hope I’m wrong, but right now I’m a little down on unworldly Alaskans.

Additionally, I’m pulling for Marjorie to stop slouching, speak up and show everybody what her lanky Fronch arse can do. What she needs is a lesson from Benny Ninja. But really, don’t we all?

I also dig Sheena. She’s loud (in a Rosie Perez kinda way) but earnest, confident (real confidence, not fakey model confidence that comes from extreme insecurity) and positive about herself and her fellow contestants.

I’m glad they kept our home-town girl, Elina, but I see many facets of her personality (vegan, pants-only lesbian) becoming stumbling blocks in future challenges. She is screwed the day they do the “cock skirt” photo shoot. But at the very least, there will be some interesting hot tub scenes before she goes.

The rest of the girls’ personas, if they exist, have yet to emerge. But I can’t wait to see what happens. My early prediction, barring any unforeseen disaster, is that Isis will take it. She really knows her stuff and looks great on camera. Tyra wants to give it to the tranny SO BAD. If Isis wins, she will be able to afford the full operation and we know how Tyra likes to take credit for everything she possibly can.

September 4, 2008
Categories: Hug Your Television . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 2 Comments

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