When faced with a surprise vegetarian challenge, the Top Chef contestants were mostly useless.
Spoilers contained herein Continue reading
Vegetarianism: What’s Old is New Again
I was both excited and annoyed by the promo for next week’s Top Chef. They revealed that the Chefs would have to cook for actress, Natalie Portman. But that wasn’t the shocking surprise. When asked about her “likes and dislikes” some astounding news blew everyone away! They didn’t reveal the twist in the promo, but I’m pretty sure I know what it is. Natalie Portman is a vegetarian.
Now, I LOVE Top Chef and have been able to find inspiration in every episode, despite their meat-favoring themes. In 5 seasons, they had yet to feature a vegetarian challenge. Everyone who has tried to cook vegetarian food has been sent home immediately, or at least severely reprimanded. The one time a contestant was forced to use tofu as his main ingredient, he braised it with beef to flavor it and he was commended for his ingenuity. I’m sorry, but if you can’t make tofu taste good without covering it in meat juice, you probably don’t deserve the title of Top Chef. And what about other dietary restrictions? Kosher? Food allergies and lactose intolerance? VEGANISM? If you’ve chosen a lifestyle that eliminates certain foods (or nature has chosen for you) do you deserve to be kicked out of the foodie club?
I’m very excited that the chefs will finally have to make an all vegetarian spread for Portman but I’m very irritated that her diet is such a big deal. For a while, vegetarianism was not only common, it was trendy. And now, with the foodie trend making exotic meats popular, vegetarians at dinner parties and gastropubs are back to nibbling on celery and dinner rolls. I feel like I’m back in Virginia in 1992 getting horrified looks when I refuse a plate of ribs. Recently, I said no thank you to a sausage sample. After the man barraged me with a persistant spiel about how healthy the sausage was, I explianed to him that I am a vegetarian. His response: “HOW DO YOU LIVE?!”
I am preemptively annoyed by all the bitching that will no doubt happen during this episode. I’m sure Mike Isabella (whose face got totally pervy when Portman walked in…can we PLEASE get rid of him already?!) will have plenty to say on the subject. I can only hope that a challenge like this will (re)open people’s minds to the fact that your food can be delicious, culinarily sophisticated and completely meat free.
Nine Months of Full Moons
I just finished the first season of “Being Human”, a terrific BBC supernatural drama about a ghost, a vampire and a werewolf who live together in a flat. It sounds a little silly, and I’m not sure how those pitch meetings went, but the show really works. It’s funny and heartbreaking all at once with a delightful bit of gore thrown in. I knew I was sold when an episode opened with a voice over about the process of changing into a werewolf, and the excruciating physical toll it takes on afflicted.
“He should be dead within 30 seconds. The werewolf heart is about two-thirds the size of a human’s. But in order to shrink, first it has to stop. In other words, he has a heart attack. All of the internal organs are smaller, so while he’s having his heart attack, he’s having liver and kidney failure too. If he stops screaming it’s not because the pain has dulled, his throat, gullet and vocal chords are tearing and reforming. He literally can’t make a sound. By now the pituitary gland should be working overtime, flooding his body with endorphins to ease some of the pain, but that too has shut down. Anyone else would have died of shock long ago. But it won’t kill him and that’s the thing I find most remarkable. It drags him through the fire and keeps him alive and even conscious to endure every second…An impossible lethal curse spread by tooth and claw, victim begets victim begets victim. It’s so cruel, it’s…perfect.”
It probably seems like pregnant ladies think that every situation applies to them and maybe that’s true. But I do think, at least for me, that the werewolf metaphor quite perfectly parallels pregnancy and childbirth. I haven’t gone through childbirth yet, but I’ve talked to people and seen some videos. It really seems like something that should kill you. It doesn’t. It tears you apart temporarily and then you are fine. During pregnancy, the growing fetus pushes all of your other organs out of the way to make room for itself. Last week in birth class, our teacher showed us illustrations at various intervals of gestation. By the final month, you can hardly see the intestines, as they are smashed up against the stomach. It’s a wonder you poop at all in the third trimester. But that’s not where the similarities end.
*WE CAN SMELL OUR OWN. OK, so maybe it’s obvious to everybody when someone is knocked up. But get a couple of pregnant ladies together and let the bitch-fest begin. They are so relieved to be able to talk about what’s happening to them with someone who really understands.
*YOU REALLY CAN’T UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU ARE ONE. Sure, there are things that everybody knows about being pregnant. We have weird cravings, we’re moody and only a silver bullet can kill us. But there are also things that happen to us that people don’t talk about. Gross things. Bloody, awful, ugly things. We don’t talk about it because if we did, no one would ever let themselves be turned.
*THERE’S AN ANIMAL INSIDE ME. And that animal is hormones. It’s like the worst PMS I’ve ever experienced but it’s not going to go away in a couple of days. One second, I’m fine, and the next I’m crying because Tim Gunn said something supportive to a contestant on Project Runway or I’ve got a DVD due back and I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet. Or maybe my husband said the wrong thing or did something I perceived as inconsiderate and I freak out because this is the man I chose to father my child and how will he be good a father if he can’t even find me green tea ice cream at the grocery store. The worst part is that I KNOW I’m being awful and unreasonable but I can’t do a damned thing about it. The monster is in control, not me.
*I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY OWN BODY. At least werewolves only have to deal with this shit once a month. For the bun-bakers, it’s every day for what seems like FOREVER. I can stick to my work out regimen or even ramp it up (I’ve been doing the latter. It’s the only way I can let off steam.) but I’ll still feel like I’ve never been more out of shape. That’s because all the blood in my body is being re-routed to my uterus. The result is that even though I’m used to physical activity, just carrying a bag of groceries into the house can put me out of breath. My joints are loosening to prepare for childbirth, so there’s a lot of cracking and popping going on. I’ve lost interest in some of my favorite foods. Others make me physically ill. I’ve become fixated on cereal. It’s the only thing I get excited about anymore. I have weird, disturbing dreams. I’ve started cleaning obsessively. I forget things that never would have slipped my mind before. I don’t even know myself anymore.
*I HAVE AN INSATIABLE HUNGER. I need to eat. A lot. Constantly. And if I don’t get to eat, for whatever reason, the beasty gets angry. God help anyone who gets in the way of me and my mid-afternoon snack.
I don’t know who has it easier. Us or the werewolves. But these days, I definitely feel a kinship to those furry bastards.
Zach Attack!
Saved by the Bell might have been the most ridiculous sitcom ever, but I’ve seen every episode. Some of them several times (thank you, cable reruns!). In fact, it may have been the first thing I ever loved ironically. I still can’t bring myself to watch Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s lawyer show, and I’ve long found Jimmy Fallon annoying, but this bit wherein M.P.G. brings back the Morris is just plain awesome. The video won’t embed, for some reason, so check out the link here.
Joss Wins!
Dollhouse got renewed! This makes everybody a winner, actually. I really REALLY loved that season finale. It’s definitely the best written show on network television and I’m so excited that it’s coming back for a second go. I can’t wait to see what happens to Ballard and I’m stoked that we might get more sweet, sweetTudyk.
The Rock of Love Bus if Finally Over!
I’m really hoping it’s out of my life forever. That really ended with a whimper, didn’t it. But, like an abusive boyfriend, I’m sure it will be back. And I’m hoping I’ll have the courage to tell it to fuck off. Continue reading
I Miss Ashley
I’m having a hard time watching Rock of Love Bus now that all the interesting/crazy girls are gone. My earlier predictions about Ashley were incorrect. Not only did she go home early (for the same reason as her draggy predecessor, Daisy…she was still living and having sex with her ex) she was also revealed to be a woman…and the mother of two children!! The baby mamas on ROL certainly raising (and I use that term loosely) an army of psychological messes. But I digress…
Having only normal ladies left just makes Bret Michaels’ misogyny/hypocrisy all the more apparent. If his the ladies refuse to obey his whims and wear his shitty “Carnivale” outfits, he calls them a buzz kill. If they keep mum about their displeasure, he blames them for not saying what’s on their mind. If what’s on their mind isn’t playing tonsil hockey with him, he says they’re in a funk and jams his tongue in their mouths anyway. He gets upset if they promote their business on national television while he, Bret Michaels, wears a fucking t-shirt with his own name on it. He can’t understand why the girls get upset on group dates and takes turns groping them but if they don’t get jealous then he accuses them of being there “for the wrong reasons”. He wants someone who can “roll” on the road and who loves his music but he doesn’t want a groupie. In short, he keeps changing his tune because he obviously doesn’t care about finding love. He’s just trying to find as many ways as possible to prolong his narcissistic fantasy of a house/bus full of sluts who will do anything he asks of them.
Dick.
If he weren’t Bret Michaels, he would not be able to get away with this shit. In fact, I don’t understand why Bret Michaels is allowed to get away with this shit. He is a talentless 90s throwback. And he’s clearly balding. He is a spoiled 5 year old who has gotten his way for too long. I know, I know. This is not a revelation. This has all been pretty clear from the beginning. But you have to admit the blonde train wrecks were pretty entertaining. There were long stretches of show which had no Bret Michaels at all. Just women who stuffed their triple E cups into sparkly clothing scraps, got plowed, said hilarious things and then fell over. But now it’s just 3 semi-average girls with low self-esteem bitching at each other and Bret trying to make out with them. It’s nauseatingly boring as well as just plain nauseating.
Only one more episode to go so I might as well watch it. Though I don’t really care who he picks as his “rock of love” at this point. I don’t think he does either. He’s too busy planning season 4.
Really, BSG? REALLY?
Part one of the Battlestar Galactica series finale was gripping and ended with a cliffhanger. I couldn’t wait for part 2. Continue reading
Dollhouse! It’s About To Get Interesting
I know who Alpha is. Or rather, the actor who will be portraying him. And I’m very very happy about it. If you also want to know click here. If you care enough to have read this far, I’m sure you recognize the man in that picture. Perhaps my dreams are prophetic.
The show has been getting a little better each week. Every episode, no matter how silly the mission, has still had one or two REALLY good moments. The allegedly mind-blowing first great episode is next week. It’s directed by Joss and Patton Oswalt guest stars. The promise of that episode plus the identity of the man behind Alpha equals me having a hard time not being positively giddy about this whole shebang.
Of BSG Mindfracking
I know I’m late in posting this but I think I’ve needed this much time to process the positively SHAKESPEAREAN plot twists we were served last Friday. Continue reading
Effed by the Wind 
