Those Sexy Panhandlers

Pineapple Express star James Franco says that to prepare for his upcoming role as a homeless man in City by the Sea, he lived on the street for a whole weekend! With a sign! No, that sign didn’t say “I’m not Dreamboat James Franco.” It said “Homeless, Please Help” and apparently garnered him $20 in half an hour.

Listen, I don’t know how he “disguised” himself, but unless he was wearing hobo prosthetics, he still LOOKED like Dreamboat James Franco. I’ve seen him dressed as a deadbeat greaseball before. He’s still cute. Possibly CUTER. James Franco could probably make a better living milking the sympathies of passersby with his puppy dog browns than with a decade of Apatow projects. Speaking of, let’s see how much spare change an unshowered Judd Apatow is his Sunday chores outfit can pull in after 30 minutes.

Klostermeme IX

Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!

If given the choice, would you rather a) only abide by the rules and morals of a society that you personally agree with, or b) have the power to slightly adjust the rules and morals that currently exist (but these adjustments would then apply to you and everyone else, all the time?

moralsMy Answer: Since I wholeheartedly believe in my own morals I would choose option B. A general live and let live policy adopted by everyone would really mellow this old world out. Only a hypocrite (and an asshole) would want to live in a world in which rules only apply to them. Unfortunately, I think option A is closer to the way the world is already.

Klosterman Theory: He seems like a generally good person. Therefore he would choose option B.

Tired of Tarentino

I am so over Quentin Tarentino. Granted, he wrote (but thankfully did not direct) the pitch-perfect “True Romance”. (Though there is a theory that his jilted writing partner, Roger Avary, actually did the bulk of the work on the script.) Sure he helped change the face of independent cinema with Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. But Quentin Tarentino has run out of original ideas. And with all the talk of his next two projects, I think it’s possible he never had any to begin with.

fat tarentinoTarentino is a professional fan boy who has made a career out of copying all the stuff he likes. Fortunately for him, he likes kind of obscure movies so it is a rare bird who will recognize what he has borrowed from. That is probably why he decided to go from plagiarism to straight up remakes.

First up is “Inglorious Bastards”, based on the 1978 Italian film about a group of insolent WWII soldiers whose only chance to save themselves from punishment for their misdeeds is by sneaking into a heavily guarded Nazi compound and stealing a secret weapon. So far there are a lot of casting rumors (Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio), but only one confirmed cast member: Quentin’s protege and BFF, Eli Roth.

eli rothRoth is the man who, in conjunction with the “SAW” franchise, helped popularize torture fetish films (Who needs character development or dialog when you can just bleed people slowly for an hour and a half?). Roth is as much of an actor as Tarentino himself. That is to say that he smirks his way through his lines while his more talented cast mates play around his high-school-drama caliber performance. I’m also sure there will be plenty of rambling monologues for everybody. Needless to say, I’m not so much looking forward to this one.

Then we have a remake of Russ Meyer’s “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”. Early casting rumors name Britney Spears for a starring role. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. Russ Meyer was known for casting ladies not as much for their acting ability as for…other…assets. And Quentin certainly has experience exploiting the ladies. But does Britney have any sex appeal left? She is a professional Jerry Springer tragedy, not a busty sex kitten. Is anyone still attracted to that? I bet she smells like Chicken McNuggets. I hate to say it but if Tarentino really can’t be creative about finding lesser known Russ-worthy ladies, he should just re-borrow the cast of “Sin City” and be done with it.

Why are we still celebrating the work of this middle-aged fan boy geek? Why are we still entrusting the Comic Book Guy with big budgets and A-list names? His early films were either a fluke or a scam. I got a baaaad feeling about this.

NFT Radar: Harried and Hungry

Every downtown office seems to have a boner for Specialties, but I’ve never enjoyed them. Maybe it’s because I get the veggie options, but my food has always been bland and soggy. But Specialties isn’t the only lunch delivery game in town. There’s also Harried and Hungry. If you’re dining in, you’ll note the ‘harried’ part. It’s not the patrons dining and dashing back to work. It’s the owners who don’t let you stare at the menu for more than 30 seconds before ushering you to a register. That’s why I like to ponder the website menu before I go. Once I have a mission in mind, I’m usually not disappointed. Their lunch fare includes the souped-up versions of the staples: sandwiches (Grilled Pesto), salads (Curried Chicken) pizza (Bacon Blue) and soup (Wild Mushroom Grain). They are generally outstanding and never soggy. On occasion, they have been too ‘harried’ in the kitchen to remember the ‘balsamic’ part of my Caprese sandwich, but it’s still pretty tasty. Wash it all down with a fresh-made smoothie infused with green tea for that low-level afternoon buzz. Unfortunately, the prices are more NYC than Seattle, so save your patronage for when you have access to the corporate credit card.


1415 3rd Ave 98101
206-264-7900
www.orderhh.com

X-Posted from Not For Tourists.

I’m Sold on Virgin

When I first heard that Richard Branson was opening an American version of his airline, Virgin Atlantic, I wondered if it would be as top notch as his European line. American airlines are SO unpleasant these days but they blame it all on gas prices. Since Virgin America would be using the same gas, would his airline be only a shinier version of the turd that is the American airline industry?

The answer is a resounding NO!!

This past weekend, my Mister and I flew to San Francisco for my Brother-In-Law’s wedding, and so we finally had to the opportunity to fly Virgin America. I’m pleased to report that it is everything an airline should be:

  • Friendly staff who genuinely enjoy their jobs (as evidenced by the 2 flight attendants who were cracking each other up during boarding)
  • Large, comfortable seats made of cushy leather with a built in head rest
  • Plenty of leg room
  • Drinks served with Ghirardelli chocolate and then, later, a chocolate chip cookie
  • Your own entertainment center featuring games, free satellite TV and pay per view movies. (On longer flights, you can order sandwiches and snack boxes from your seat with your credit card)
  • Funky dance music piped into the bathroom
  • And all this inside a groovy aircraft with pink track lighting and pristine white paneling! I felt like I was flying in a 70’s vision of the future and I loved it. To say that all these new fees other airlines are tacking on is justified in the current economy is rediculous. There is still such a thing as customer service and Virgin has it. They have plenty of things you can spend money on without making you feel like you are being forced to pay for your creature comforts after having dropped a couple hundy on the flight itself. (And by the way, we paid only $160 round trip from Seattle to San Fran). Flying is a travel necessity, but that doesn’t mean it has to be unpleasant. I’m glad someone finally understands that.

    vintage airlineOne additional perk which probably won’t last too long is that the flights were only half full. This means that the chance you’ll have a whole row to yourself is pretty good. I have a feeling this Virgin thing is going to catch on so you’ll probably have neighbors on both sides soon enough. But who cares? Just one of those leather seats is 50 times more comfortable than a whole row of sub-par competitors seats combined.

    Virgin America is the way forward. I can’t wait for them to expand their routes so that I can fly them everywhere. That old coot, Branson, is really onto something.

    Klostermeme VIII

    Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!

    You begin watching a new television series, and you immediately find yourself strongly relating to one of the supporting characters. You’ve never before experienced a TV character that seems so similar to yourself; this fictional person dresses, behaves, and talks exactly like you. And – slowly, over the course of several episodes – the similarity grows spooky on two separate occasions, the character recounts personal anecdotes that happened in your real life. The actor portraying this character begins mimicking your mannerisms. In at least 3 different episodes, the character’s dialog quotes things that you have said (verbatim) during casual conversation.

    tim canterburyYou become convinced this is neither coincidence nor mental illness: somehow, this character is being actively based on your life. The show’s writers generally depict the “you” character in a positive manner, but as far as you can tell – you don’t know anyone involved in the show’s production or creation. It’s totally inexplicable.

    You have two friends who also watch this show. One of them is certain that your theory is correct and that (somehow) the character is, in fact, based on your life. She tells you to get a lawyer. The second friend concedes that many of the similarities are amazing, but that the whole notion is ridiculous, impossible, and egocentric. He tells you to see a therapist.

    How do you respond to this situation? Do you do anything?

    My Answer: I wouldn’t do anything. Isn’t identifying with characters one of the reasons people love a show? Sex and the City fans wear t-shirts that declare which character they are most like. The internet is full of “Which [Popular TV Show] Character Are You?” quizzes. I usually don’t identify with (and am often appalled by) characters on shows like Sex and the City and the shows I do love mostly involve fantasy or historical situations (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood) which are metaphors for modern life. I think it would be quite refreshing to finally have a character that speaks to me in every possible way. Or maybe I would hate the character. Either way, it would be a pretty entertaining TV show for me. It would also make for great blog fodder.

    Klosterman Theory: He would write about it but otherwise do nothing.

    Your answers in the comments, puh-leeze!

    Obvious Casting of the Day

    tim burtonAccording to a tip on AICN, Johnny Depp has been attached to the role of the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland movie (coming in 2010).

    Well, DUH. Could it have ever been anyone else? Tim Burton doesn’t audition. He just watches his old movies to cast his next one.

    That means that the Queen of Hearts will DEFINITELY be played by Lisa Marie.

    Oh wait…I forgot…He’s boning Helena Bonham Carter now. Scratch that. Helena Bonham Carter will get the job.

    Sorry Lisa! If you’re looking for work, I just heard they’re opening a new Sonic location in the Puget Sound area!

    My Dream Last Night

    Let me tell you it…

    I was in my childhood home in Virginia, as I often am in dreams. I was upstairs with Balthazar Getty and two blond women, one of whom might have been Nicole Eggert. He was assaulting them. He had a gun. I tried to stop him. Somehow, I managed to get the gun away from him, but I couldn’t figure out how to fire it. I frantically fiddled with switches and buttons on the gun whilst pulling the trigger. He laughed and advanced. He was almost on top of me. But then I lucked into getting a shot off.

    lost highwayIt hit him in the chest, on the left. He was so close to me that when he fell forward, he landed on me, knocking us both to the ground. I pried him off of me and stood up. But then he came to and started to lift himself up as well. I saw that I had only him him in the shoulder!

    I still didn’t know how to work the gun. So I ran. I ran down the stairs and into the garage. I worried that automatic garage door would open too slowly and he would catch up to me. But I had no other choice. I was already in the garage. So as soon as it was open wide enough, I crawled under and ran up the steep driveway. A neighbor was across the street. I shouted to him, but he wasn’t the man I knew who lived there, and he either couldn’t hear me or was ignoring me. Balthazar was still behind me, getting closer. He was really angry. If he caught up to me I was dead.

    Then I woke up.

    Now, I imagine I had this dream due to work stress. Dreams in which someone/something is trying to kill me are not at all uncommon. Though they usually aren’t B-list actors. Also, I have been reading a lot about Balthazar traipsing about with Ho-hemian Sienna Miller when his wife’s baby is not even a year old. This makes me think of him as an asshole. But a murderer? Maybe I’ve seen Lost Highway one too many times.

    Anyway, I open the comments to other interpretations.

    Klostermeme VII

    Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!

    pillYou are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10% more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet) you will seem 20% less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is no way you can ever alter the universality of that perception).

    Do you take this pill?

    My Answer: No. Part of the usefulness of intelligence is being able to convince other people that you have good ideas which should be taken into consideration. You would have a much harder time in work and social situations. Unless your current level of intelligence is so low that it hinders day-to-day functions, there is no reason to take this pill.

    Klosterman Theory: He would not take the pill, as he is concerned with public perception.

    Put your answers in the comments!

    Today in Disturbing Hollywood Announcements

    I’m seriously considering changing the name of my blog to Effed by Hollywood.

    divineFirst up is the sad news that dear old John Waters has gone senile and decided it’s a good idea to make a sequel to his movie musical based on a Broadway musical based on his movie which contained music. He hopes to reunite the original cast of the movie musical based on the Broadway musical based on his movie which means that he actually thought John Travolta in a fat suit was a suitable substitute for the bad ass legend, Divine. This makes me sad and pukey. I usually cry when I puke, so I’m crying twice as hard for this one.

    In other neutering of beloved sexually progressive films based on musicals, some shitheads at MTV are planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I don’t understand how a film which STILL plays to packed houses of rabid fans can even be considered for something like this. Apparently, they don’t fear rabid fan mobs anymore. Or perhaps they never did…