More From 23 Questions Klostermeme

5 more questions from Chuck Klosterman’s 23 questions he asks people to find out if he can REALLY love them:

6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

My answer: Assuming my dreams remained much the same as they are now, I would definitely try it out. I love remembering my dreams and have even used large chunks of dreams in movie scripts. Even my most personal dreams I usually end up telling at least my husband about. I do have some sexy dreams that might be weird for my parents to watch. But hey, if that’s what they signed up for…

Klosterman Theory: No.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

My answer: I’m gonna go with the Loch Ness Monster with the Sassquatch running as the second largest story. This is because I feel like it would be easier to mistake an existing, unremarkable creature as the Sassquatch. It could be some sort of mutated bear or just a dirty man who has been living in the woods. A giant reptile, Lock Ness Monster of lore or no, is extremely remarkable no matter how you slice it. POSSIBLY having thyroid cancer is not nearly as monumental as the other two stories.

Klosterman Theory: He would go with either Lock Ness or Sassquatch. I’m not sure which.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.”

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

My answer: Considering my personal obsession with the Joss Whedon Universe, not at all.

Klosterman Theory: Since he brought it up, he obviously thinks this is a pretty strange quirk so I’m guess his answer is yes. Unless he is trying to tell us something about himself…

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

My answer: Increase. I would attempt to discover what about it brings people to this conclusion. Though I am already disappointed to learn that it contains NO homoerotic content.

Klosterman Theory: Increase. He is a logical man who obviously knows that no one can be “turned” gay. Therefore I think this question is a subtle attempt at weeding out homophobia in potential mates.

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.”

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

My answer: I have probably already lost Klosterman points by admitting that I have to listen to “Barracuda” on my ipod having purchased a Heart compilation collection from itunes and the fact that I have NOT read the novel in question. Regardless, I will go with the novel. While I am aware of the badassedness of Heart, I have not found them to be transcendent enough to seek out whole albums. Jay McInerney’s line piques my interest enough that I have put the book on my library queue. Perhaps this is a question I will revisit when I have done more research.

Klosterman Theory: Given that he is first and foremost a rock writer, I think he would say “Barracuda’.

Your answers in the comments!

Stay tuned for still more Klostermemes!

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2 Comments

  1. #6: I’d do it, unless I knew for sure that I had an erotic dream that night. Otherwise, it’s like watching home movies, only wacked out. I think my friends and family would quickly grow bored.

    #7: Agreed, Loch Ness on the front page.

    #8: No problem. There are worse things to be obsessed with than the Dark Crystal. Like, say, baseball.

    #9: I’d read the book, out of curiosity. If it somehow made me gay, I’m sure Miki could live with it.

    #10: The opening riff of Barracuda. It rules. Jay McInerney is a douche.

  2. I haven’t done 1-5 yet, but oh, I will.

    6) I wouldn’t do it, just because I think of dreams as so intensely private, and about the only time no one can see what I’m thinking

    7) Loch Ness front for sure, and I agree re: the validity of a Sasquatch being easy to argue against

    8) This might bother me. Sure there are worse things to be obsessed with, but I have a low tolerance for repetitious quotations, and this seems like a candidate for that

    9) I would read that in a split second

    10) Barracuda, for sure. I get goosebumps even thinking about it


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