Meme de Klosterman

5 more questions from Chuck Klosterman’s23 questions he asks people to find out if he can REALLY love them:

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that – somewhere – your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

My answer: I would finish the movie but then maybe call my mom after. I get weird, paranoid ideas a lot. They rarely amount to anything significant.

Klosterman Theory: By the virtue that he uses the word “irrational”, I think he would finish the movie.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But – somehow – this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though – you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

My answer: $5. I’d be curious to see if it worked, and I can’t deny that it would be sweet to counter some of my saggyness. But I’m already married so I don’t need a whole bunch of dudes hitting on me. $10 if he’s wearing a wizard outfit.

Klosterman Theory: $50. He seems to have lady issues. Maybe this would stop him from rampantly pursuing women who already have boyfriends.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

My answer: I think I’ve HAD this nightmare. There are definitely a couple of folks I don’t particularly ever want to see again. Though it would be pretty amazing to see some of the more intellectually narcissistic and long-winded ones share a meal together. As for the speech, I would probably open with a joke and then give each of them one or two sentences about what I learned from my time with them (I would have nice things to say about some of them) and how it led to my being able to recognize true love when I eventually found it. And then I would take a shot of tequila and exit quietly out the back with my husband.

Klosterman Theory: He would probably just read passages from his books.

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

My answer: First of all, the thought of cats reading makes me giggle a lot so I would be very pleased if this really happened. That said, I think they would find traditional Garfield inane but they would love Garfield minus Garfield.

Klosterman Theory: He would agree with me.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

My answer: Write as much as possible.

Klosterman Theory: Visit all of his ex-girlfriends and write about it.

Your answers in the comments, please!

More Klostermemes on the way!