This edition is in honor of my friend, Elyse, who met the illustrious Chuck when she was the maid of honor to his groomsman at a friend’s wedding. I recently gifted her a copy of “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs” (mmmm…Cocoa Puffs…) and his picture on the back cover features this cute but also sort of geeky clean-shaven face.
Apparently, he now looks like this:
Proof-positive of the magic of facial hair. The evidence is undeniable. The shorter bangs help too.
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
While traveling on business, your spouse (whom you love) is involved in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. It is assumed that everyone on board has died. For the next 7 months, you quietly mourn. But then the unbelievable happens: it turns out your spouse has survived. He/she managed to swim to a desert island, where he/she lived in relative comfort with one other survivor (the miraculously located most of the aircraft’s supplies on the beach, and the island itself was filled with ample food sources). Against all odds, they have just been discovered by a Fijan fishing boat.
The 2 survivors return home via helicopter, greeted by the public as media sensations. Immediately upon their arrival, there is an international press conference. And during this press conference, you cannot help but notice how sexy the other survivor is; physically, he/she perfectly embodied the type of person your mate is normally attracted to. Moreover, the intensity of the event has clearly galvanized a relationship between the 2 crash victims: they spend most of the interview explaining how they could not have survived without the other person’s presence. They explain how they passed the time by telling anecdotes from their respective lives, and both admit to having given up on the possibility for rescue. At the end of the press conference, the 2 survivors share a tearful goodbye hug. It’s extremely emotional.
After the press conference, you are finally reunited with your spouse. He/she embraces you warmly and kisses you deeply.
How long do you wait before asking if he/she was ever unfaithful to you on this island? Do you never ask? And if your mate’s answer is “yes”, would that (under these circumstances) be acceptable?
My Answer:My original answer was a bit different. And then Elyse alerted me to the fact that it is seven MONTHS, not years. For the record, I typed out all these questions months ago and saved them as drafts. It probably doesn’t excuse the fact that I am lousy at attention to detail. So here’s my updated answer: I’d wait as long as I could but I’m sure I’d be bursting at the seams about it. I would be very happy that my husband was alive returned to me. But given the fact that I sometimes get jealous at the thought of EX girlfriends, I’m sure their “special relationship” would be on my mind constantly. If the answer is yes, I would probably forgive eventually. Everyone, including me, thought he was a goner. But I’m sure I would find it impossible to be in the same room with his island buddy and it would take me quite a bit of time to get over it.
Klosterman Theory: Months or years, I think his answer would be the same. He would ask within 5 minutes of their reunion.
In honor of the release of Chinese Democracy, a day which Mr. Klosterman (and most everyone else) thought would never come, I think it’s time for another Klostermeme!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
Is there any widespread practice more futile than attempting to predict society’s future relationship with technology?
My Answer: Yes. Religion. Whether or not you are a religious person, you’re not going to know who’s right until you’re dead.
Klosterman Theory: Up until recently, he would have said “Wondering when Chinese Democracy will be released”. But now that it’s finally come to fruition, I think he would say it’s futile, but entirely unavoidable, to worry about how you are perceived by others.
Your answers in the comments!
Sooooo…
My friend was in a wedding this past weekend and guess who was her groomsman. I’ll give you a hint. I don’t call these posts LoggiaMemes! She left me a voicemail asking me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. Of course, at the time I was rocking too hard at the Baxttle of the Bands (more on that later) to hear my phone and for some reason said phone neglected to alert me of a new message so I didn’t hear it until today when it preceded another message. Anywhosel, I may not have gotten to crack the Kase of the Klosterman Theory by having her annoyingly ask him his real answers to all 23 of his questions he asks people to find out if he can really love them, but I can carry on with the Klostermemes and theories in this blog. And so I shall!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
You are in a plane crash in the Andes Mountains, not unlike those people from the movie Alive. As such, you will be forced to consume the human flesh of the people who died on impact; this will be a terrible experience, but it is the only way for you to survive. Fortunately, you did not know any of the victims personally.
Would you rather eat a dead baby, or would you rather eat a dead elderly person? Would gender play a role in the selection process? And how much would it bother you if this meat turned out to be delicious?
My answer: I may be a vegetarian, but I am fully prepared to eat meat in the event that I must do so in order to stay alive. Since I already have qualms about meat-eating, I reckon people eating wouldn’t be much more difficult for my conscience. Especially if I don’t know any of the victims and they are already dead. It doesn’t matter if it turns out to be delicious. Meat is delicious but I am bothered by it enough to refrain from eating it. So in essence, being a vegetarian for moral reasons has already mentally prepared me for this sort of situation. Hooray!
As for which meat I would prefer, I’d probably want to eat a young person or a baby. Their meat would be the healthiest and therefore tastiest (and best for you), right? Gender wouldn’t play a role but I would rather eat a nice, plump person than an anorexic.
Klosterman Theory: He would agree with me on the meat selection but he would probably have a harder time dealing if he ended up liking it, since he’s a staunch meat-eater currently.
Comment me with your answers! More information on this (non) story as it (doesn’t) develop(s)!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
How would your views about war, politics, and the role of the military change if all future conflicts were fought by armies of robots (that is to say, if all nations agreed to conduct wars exclusively with machines so that human casualties would be virtually nonexistent)?
My Answer: Putting aside the fact that armies of robots is a bad idea (all it takes is one self-aware robot and we are SCREWED!), I would certainly feel BETTER about war if there were no human casualties. But I still think that violence is pretty futile and doesn’t really solve the issues at the core of any conflict. There are always going to be times when physical conflict is necessary (WWII), but for the most part, negotiation is the best way to end a conflict. If you’re already agreeing with every nation that you will use robots, why not agree on other terms as well so the robots never have to be turned on?
Of course, all it takes is one country to break their promise and program their robots to kill people. So I guess my views don’t really change much. I’m a pacifist who doesn’t believe that everybody will be willing to play by the rules.
Klosterman Theory: He would be fine with this. He doesn’t fear robots.
Your answers in the comments!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
It is 1933. You are in Berlin, Germany. Somehow, you find yourself in a position where you can effortlessly steal Adolf Hitler’s wallet. This theft will not effect Hitler’s rise to power, the nature of WWII, or the Holocaust. There is no important identification in the wallet, but the act will cost Hitler forty Reichsmarks and completely ruin his evening. You do not need the money. The odds that you will be caught committing this crime are less than 2%.
Are you ethically obligated to steal Hitler’s wallet?
My Answer: Ethically, no. Not if it doesn’t effect history in any significant way. But it sure would be cool if you did.
Klosterman Theory: Yes.
What do you think? Answer in the comments!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
You are placed in the unenviable position of having to compete for the right to stay alive.
You will be matched against a person of your own gender in a series of 5 events – an 800-meter run, a game of Scrabble, a three-round boxing match, a debate over the legalization of late-term abortion (scored and officiated by reputable collegiate judges), and the math portion of the SAT.
In order to survive, you must win at least 3 of these events (your opponent will be playing for his or her life as well). However, you (kind of) get to pick your opponent: you can either a) compete against a person selected at random, or b) you can compete against someone who is exactly like you. If selected at random, this individual could be of any age or skill level – he/she might be an infant with Down Syndrome but he/she might also be an Academic All-American linebacker from Notre Dame. If you pick “the average human” he/she will be precisely your age and will have an identical level of education, and the person will be a perfect cross-section of your particular demographic – he/she will also be of average height and of average weight with a standard IQ and the most normative life experience imaginable.
So whom do you select? Or – perhaps more accurately – do you feel that you are better than an average version of yourself?
My Answer: OK. I hate competitions. I am notoriously unlucky in things that involve any sort of luck and I am completely un-athletic due to my gimpy knees. So in general, this is a very unfortunate situation for me. The events I will almost certainly lose are the 800 meter race (unless I am pitted against someone without legs and they can’t use a wheelchair) and the boxing round. I will most likely also lose the math round. I got an 1180 on my SATs. My verbal score was perfect. If you aren’t as bad at math as I am you can deduce how embarrassingly low that makes my math score. That means I absolutely MUST win the Scrabble game and the debate. I do have a slightly higher than average IQ, and am competent at word games so I definitely have a shot here.
Unfortunately, I must also somehow not suck at the SATs or the boxing round. It is possible to box successfully without using your knees too much. Running is all knees so it is a lost cause. I think my best hope is going primal in the boxing match. Having considered all these factors, and the fact that I tend to be pretty unlucky, I will choose the average human to compete against because otherwise I will probably end up competing against a teenage Olympic caliber athlete and intellectual genius.
Man, I’m glad this is a hypothetical scenario.
Klosterman Theory: He would choose the average human.
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
If given the choice, would you rather a) only abide by the rules and morals of a society that you personally agree with, or b) have the power to slightly adjust the rules and morals that currently exist (but these adjustments would then apply to you and everyone else, all the time?
My Answer: Since I wholeheartedly believe in my own morals I would choose option B. A general live and let live policy adopted by everyone would really mellow this old world out. Only a hypocrite (and an asshole) would want to live in a world in which rules only apply to them. Unfortunately, I think option A is closer to the way the world is already.
Klosterman Theory: He seems like a generally good person. Therefore he would choose option B.
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
You begin watching a new television series, and you immediately find yourself strongly relating to one of the supporting characters. You’ve never before experienced a TV character that seems so similar to yourself; this fictional person dresses, behaves, and talks exactly like you. And – slowly, over the course of several episodes – the similarity grows spooky on two separate occasions, the character recounts personal anecdotes that happened in your real life. The actor portraying this character begins mimicking your mannerisms. In at least 3 different episodes, the character’s dialog quotes things that you have said (verbatim) during casual conversation.
You become convinced this is neither coincidence nor mental illness: somehow, this character is being actively based on your life. The show’s writers generally depict the “you” character in a positive manner, but as far as you can tell – you don’t know anyone involved in the show’s production or creation. It’s totally inexplicable.
You have two friends who also watch this show. One of them is certain that your theory is correct and that (somehow) the character is, in fact, based on your life. She tells you to get a lawyer. The second friend concedes that many of the similarities are amazing, but that the whole notion is ridiculous, impossible, and egocentric. He tells you to see a therapist.
How do you respond to this situation? Do you do anything?
My Answer: I wouldn’t do anything. Isn’t identifying with characters one of the reasons people love a show? Sex and the City fans wear t-shirts that declare which character they are most like. The internet is full of “Which [Popular TV Show] Character Are You?” quizzes. I usually don’t identify with (and am often appalled by) characters on shows like Sex and the City and the shows I do love mostly involve fantasy or historical situations (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood) which are metaphors for modern life. I think it would be quite refreshing to finally have a character that speaks to me in every possible way. Or maybe I would hate the character. Either way, it would be a pretty entertaining TV show for me. It would also make for great blog fodder.
Klosterman Theory: He would write about it but otherwise do nothing.
Your answers in the comments, puh-leeze!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
You are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10% more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet) you will seem 20% less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is no way you can ever alter the universality of that perception).
Do you take this pill?
My Answer: No. Part of the usefulness of intelligence is being able to convince other people that you have good ideas which should be taken into consideration. You would have a much harder time in work and social situations. Unless your current level of intelligence is so low that it hinders day-to-day functions, there is no reason to take this pill.
Klosterman Theory: He would not take the pill, as he is concerned with public perception.
Put your answers in the comments!
Effed by the Wind 
