an ingratiating smile, as

Last night was the Cast/Crew/Friends/Dom's Family screening of “SDBSD”. It was kinda weird. I was a little disappointed at how UNsmoothly it went. We had technical difficulties so the 6:30 screening didn't start till, like, 6:50. A lot of people showed up late (who shows up late to a movie?!) and due to lack of volunteers, Faye and I ended up working the check-in table instead of schmoozing and “guaging audience reaction” as Dom said we should. So I guess it's a good thing that most of the industry/press folks we invited didn't show up. Faye and I did sit in for the second screening, though. And I learned a few things.

1) Oh my god, I hate looking at myself on screen. During the EPK interviews, I was seriously mortified. And it wasn't just because of my nervous tick/stroke victim mouth. It's a damned good thing I'm not an actor. Still, if Faye and I are to be one day interviewed by Guilianna DiPandi on E!, we best get used to the camera. But Jesus. A giant Jessica is not a good Jessica.

2) The problem with having such a short movie is that if people laugh at one joke, they will be laughing over the next joke.

3) Our movie is not “laugh-out-loud funny”. It more of a “chortle quietly to yourself” film. I hope.

4) Drinking Vodka on a weeknight isn't necessarily a good idea.

Which brings me to the after-party. Faye, Jacob and I were cleaning up so we arrived late and discovered that there were no seats left the room we reserved at the Canterbury. It was ok though because Elyse decided to buy us shots at the bar. She asked the bartender to give us three “sorority girl shots”. A VERY hammered girl at the bar overheard this and said something like “I can get those” which led us to believe she worked there. She didn't. She was just HAMMERED. So, for lack of ideas and little cooperation from the bartender, we ordered kamikazes and then went to sit down in a different room to eat. We were hoping that the room would clear out a little, leaving us seats. While we ate, the drunk girl from the bar came over with a blue highlighter and proceeded to write greek letters on mine and Faye's arm. She was rambling something awful so I STILL don't know what she said exactly but it was something about her being sorry (?) for wearing stockings. She was only wearing them because she'd been to a job interview at 2:00 that day. And drinking ever since, I'm assuming. The night was pretty tame after that. But I still drank way too many Vodka Collins' and thus have some major tummy rumblings today. I hope I have time to get in a nap after work because it's back to the party grindstone tonight for Ben Dunn's birthday in the Mos Eisley Cantina where gay Tom Savini works! Also, everybody's welcome to come if they don't already know about it. The more people to give Ben birthday spankings, the better!

81247

YEEEEEESSSS! I got a meme!

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY (besides your real name):
1. Jess
2. J-Bax
3. Messica

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. LintIsGod (Stupid high school joke. That was my first ever screen name and it was on AOL)
2. i_see_toast (Stupid now joke from when Dom and I were courting. Somehow I still think it's funny)
3. the_baxter

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I've been told I have nice eyes
2. Badunkadunk (sometimes I like it)
3. Boobies

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF :
Aw…only THREE?
1. Not as thin as I used to be. Not that I thought I was thin then.
2. Short torso.
3. Manly shoulders.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Italian
3. Fruitcake

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Death
2. Confrontation
3. Elevators

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Chap stick
2. Eyeliner
3. Email

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A brown dress with pink trim! (I want to look nice for tonight).
2. My Mary Janes.
3. Black stockings. Always black stockings.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. The Clash
2. Oasis
3. Buddy Holly

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Trust
2. Spontaneity
3. Friendship

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I never got drunk until college
2. I'm one of the of millions of people who suffers from IBS
3. I was a virgin until college

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. The ability (and propensity) to grow facial hair
2. Boys are funnier (and more fun) than girls (with a few notable exceptions, most of whom I'm friends with)
3. Penis

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Watching Movies
2. Making movies (though I'm not sure if that's a hobby if I want to turn it into a career)
3. Drinking with friends (how sad)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Caffienate
2. Not be at work
3. Go on a trip with my friends

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Filmmaker
2. Vet (What I wanted to be in elementary school before I realised that I needed to be good at science)
3. Rock Journalist (that's what I wanted to be in high school before I realised I hated most of the music I would have to cover)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. San Diego :)
2. New Orleans
3. Mexico

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Johnny Gunn
2. Dom Zook
3. Benn Dunn

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Become immortal
2. Visit at least 5 more countries
3. Make “Plight of the Living Dead”

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I like poop jokes
2. I like violent movies
3. I hate Sex and The City

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I like to wear dresses and skirts
2. I get PMS something awful
3. I wonder if I look fat in that

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Rob Zombie
2. Dominic Monaghan
3. Melanie Lynskey

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
meepblop, demondoyle, icy_breeze

under him; he gasped

“Lost” Spoilers Herein

J.J. Abrahms is a fuckhead. Please bear with me while I rant. As usual, there were as many flaws as successes to last night's season finale. Ok, so I must admit that the last 10-15 minutes were pretty goddamned gripping. But to not give us the slightest INKLING of the evil that lurks within the hatch? That's just mean. Leaving Michael floating in the water as he watches Walt being taken away, while Sawyer and Jin, possibly dead, are nowhere to be found was a good cliffhanger. (By the way, Faye totally called the fact that “The Others” were after Walt and not the stupid baby). But there are some holes even in that otherwise cool scene. Like where in the hell do “The Others” get gas for their boat? Or electricity for the giant spotlight on the front? It's sloppy storytelling…unless the island is just like the one in that Huey Lewis and the News video where if they just go far enough, they will find a big resort and civilization and Starbucks. Well, at least we learned more about the Iron Giant. It's pretty certain that the Iron Giant IS, in fact, The Iron Giant, whatwith all the mechanical noises it was making. So at least we got THAT much of a bone. But seriously. A broken ladder with not even a HINT of the evil that Walt was screaming about? G.A.Y. My qualms with Abrahms are thus. He always tries to be the big serial suspense mastermind. But he goes from being totally predictable and unoriginal (Artz might as well have been wearing a red uniform) to refusing to give ANY answers or even INKLINGS of answers to the big questions. It feels he might be less of a genius and more a guy who has no idea where he wants his characters to go. Or maybe it's just that Joss Whedon has ruined me forever. Joss is like that perfect ex that you will never really get over and the standard to which you will hold all future relationships. Will I ever be truly in love with a television show again? The end of Alias last night was fairly Willow/Tara-esque. But less so because I don't care about any of the characters on Alias. I don't know. All I know is that J.J. Abrahms is a fuckhead.

Doh!
I just read the TWOP Recaplet and it's pretty much EXACTLY what I just said above, only funny.

potato thingy offer for Jessica

This is so cruel. So why can't I stop laughing? And also, am I laughing at the pictures or the woman who took the time to set this up? I'm so confused.

i know why you're unhappy. open to find the answer

I am so sick of perfect strangers always telling me to smile. It's usually young to middle-aged men. Sometimes it's on the street, other times, like today, it's in a store and they work there. I asked an Office Depot employee where to find something and he showed me. While he led me there, he said “I see you in here a lot. You never smile. You should smile more”. I told him the truthful response that I'm there on my break from work and therefore not happy about having to return to the office. But if I were the asshole that I am in my head I would have said “Don't tell me to smile. You don't even know me. You don't know why I'm not smiling. Maybe I just got dumped. Maybe I lost a family member or pet. Maybe I've just been fired or diagnosed with a terminal illness. You don't know. So don't tell me to smile unless you KNOW I have a reason to be happy.” Granted, I do have many reasons to be happy. But this job makes me a Grumpy Gus and I have every right to frown about it if I want to. So they should shut the hell up.

formalize Schirmer Tear Test Strips

So here's why last week was shitty. I have a new enemy here at work. I have nicknamed her “Demonella”. It's the marketing lady who takes long lunches, wears stinky perfume and asks me questions every 5 minutes. It turns out she's not only annoying, but also a bitch. She has nothing better to do with her time than to complain to bossman about EVERYTHING, not the least of which is me. She doesn't think I smile enough for a receptionist. OK. Fair enough. I should be all sunshine and light but it's so hard to pretend ALL the time. She thinks my emails to her are curt. Well, I'm sorry if I don't have time to compose a long, friendly email wherein I inquire about her personal well-being every other sentence. You ask me a question. I answer. That should be sufficient. She sees no reason why the interns should be doing work for me when they could be doing work for her. Well, first of all, lady, I am responsible for TWO jobs here. I have the interns to do the secretarial work for me while I do the portfolio admin stuff for clients. That stuff is very time-consuming and I SHOULD actually be getting twice my current salary for doing both these jobs. But instead, I get two interns to help me. They were plenty busy with work before you showed up. So if you want there to be 30 brochures at your next seminar, you best let the interns help me with that. Second of all, what the hell do YOU do with your time? Your office hours are an hour shorter than the rest of us and you come in late every day. Today, you didn't even show up till NOON. I KNOW traffic isn't that bad. Now, my boss explained this shit to her when she complained, but he thought I should know too because he said he's sick of having to deal with everyone's issues when they could be solved more efficiently if we just talked to each other. He's right, too. I guess I'm too scary for her to feel comfortable talking to me. She also pissed my BOSS off last week by telling him he was too “critical”. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your boss SUPPOSED to offer criticism? Furthermore, our boss is pretty damned nice about offering criticism. Anyway, I realise this is all pretty boring but I just had to get some of it off my chest. Long story short: The Lil'est Dictator is no longer the most irritating person in the office.

A GGood Boner Back in My Life

WEEKEND RECAP

Friday

After a hellish week for both Faye and me, all we wanted to do was chiiiiiill and watch a bad movie. We managed to rope Ben and Sherrard into watching it with us and we even pre-funked by watching part of the “Muppet Wizard of Oz” starring Ashanti. Well, not even Pepe the Prawn in a starring role could save that pile of excrement. So after we had a sufficient buzz going, we started the movie. The movie was “American Psycho 2”. Since Faye is going to post her review about it, I shant spoil it. I will only say this. It was in NO WAY a sequel to American Psycho. In fact, I'm pretty damned sure that it was only given the box office gold “American Psycho” title because after the producers saw the first cut of the film they thought “Well, we certainly can't sell this turd based on Mila Kunis's acting. And since she doesn't take her top off ONCE, we are fucked. Unless we can think of some way to tie this thing to another movie as a sequel. Hmmmm….what movies are about serial killers? Well, there's “Silence of the Lambs” but this isn't even on par with “Hannibal”. There's those “Urban Legend” movies but this doesn't have an ensemble cast and all the college student characters die within the first 40 minutes. Wait! I got it! “American Psycho!” Sure, at the end of the story we learn that Patrick Bateman didn't actually kill anybody but most people who saw that movie didn't even read the book so they couldn't be sure WHAT the hell the end of that movie meant. We'll just shoot one extra scene wherein Mila Pug-nose witnesses Patrick Bateman killing her cousin, thus fucking her up for life. Perfect! We may even make back a quarter of our budget on video sales this way.”

Near the end of the movie, Elyse and Gene showed up and were bored instantly. Luckily, Tobe was there to melt their hearts. After the movie, Faye and I couldn't bring ourselves to join people at the Rosebud so we watched the “Reefer Madness” musical instead (which we seem to be alone in appreciating).

Saturday

Faye and I decided to be girly and shop a little before seeing “Layer Cake” at SIFF. After shopping, we still had some time to kill and we went for some drinks. There had been some crazy street fair in the U that day. I don't know if that's what brought the freaks out or if it was the usual clientele. But at Finn McCool's we were annoyed by a young, obnoxious named Tyler (of course) who bet us we “couldn't shake his hand”. We were in no mood for this so we downed one drink and left, passing Tyler who stood on the porch trying to smoke a cigarette through 3 straws.

At Big Time, things were much more calm. The eyecandy was in effect and the enjoyment of the beer was uninterrupted by students. But then we were approached by an old man who's cheeks were rosy with drink. At first, we thought he just wanted a friendly chat. He asked if we were vendors for the art thingy. We said we weren't. He said he worked with wood but we could never quite pinpoint what he DID with the wood. He them told us that was his hobby. He really worked for the Seattle Storm. He assumed that we must be into the Seattle Storm too. At first, we had no idea why he would think this until it became apparent that he thought we were lesbians. Faye said “No, we're just best friends” which he thought was beautiful, but ultimately, not as interesting at lesbians would be. He asked us what we did and we told him we were filmmakers. This prompted him to tell us that he was a “multi-billionaire” and he tried to get us to tell him why he should give us money. We weren't really prepared to pitch but if he WAS an eccentric billionare, we didn't want to pass it up so I started into my shpiel. He stopped me saying “No! No. What do you WANT”. I told him we wanted to make films for a living. He said “NO! What do you WANT”. I said “We want money to make the films”. He said “YES! Ok. [to Faye] What do YOU want”. Faye tried the same tactic but it was too late. He turned to the girl at the table next to us and said something to her. She responded and he turned back to us and said “Now, SHE'S interesting”. And that's our cue to exit. I think the only reason we'd stayed around that long was because he'd offered to buy us drinks. But he never did. Billionaires are so stingy.

We still had time to kill before the movie so we tried to get in one more at the “All American Bar”. It was at that point that we realised we were in no mood to sit quietly in the dark for the next two hours. So we just picked up our SIFF tickets and bussed it back to The Hill. We met Sherrard and Borgia for a few more at the Lava Lounge and Belltown Pizza before calling it a night.

Sunday

Nothing exciting to report.

pantry Therapeutic/Minerals

So far it's another craptastic work day. I am too busy to post a long bitch-session about it (lucky for you), so instead I will post some pictures and a joke, all of which make me laugh. I know a few of you are also having bad weeks, so I hope this joke will help you get through your day too.

Q: What do you call a young cat with crap all over it?
A: A shitten.

Hulk smash intern

Stupid Intern just cost me a day's worth of work. Stupid Intern does not understand the concept of putting together a booklet. For some reason, he thought the side of the page with WORDS on it should face backward and punched the holes accordingly. He thought the same thing for the covers which are now ruined and hard to get more of. From now on I will only give Stupid Intern tasks that my butthole could do in it's sleep. So Stupid Intern is now in charge of sealing envelopes and farting. That is all.

What? It's only WEDNESDAY??!!! FUUUUUUUUCK!

stolen Hydroxyprogesterone Caproate

I would like to now, if I may, express my feelings toward the printer/copier here, that for some reason I am in charge of, which breaks down at least once a week.

RT^%U!^&*#1!(*^!&*#IUHUILU^*&%^!(O(!LOHDUILW&*)(!!)@^#&VJHDKAHO:(I!()#(&$(#R:LDJIW^&#@&$@^%!%&!&RIEGFV”LP:R”PY*@(*)&($O@$JKLRIO&R(*^!%*!&!*U (FH)(@#&(*#@!^#@V&^$@#(*IOHFWGFHL>U*(qy42li3ehy2u40%*!@&*@$FGJKi7w453O*@(){@# #YT;4w u4029p243j2oi3479a2@)(&*@!(^!*(!)(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.