Mark is a genius. This totally works. I'm very excited. I just have to be super duper careful now. Everyone is at lunch so I should be ok.
And now, on with the sneaky!
This is freaky and hilarious at the same time. I like the one where Angelina Jolie looks like a demon (although that's not much different than what she normally looks like). I also like alien David Duchovny, sad DeNiro and Sith Lord Pope.
WEEKEND RECAP
Friday
The Troika (being Dom, Faye and myself…I decided I needed a nickname for us because I'm usually writing about the three of us. What better nickname then a reference to three slightly evil geeky villains from Buffy?) arrived at the Rendezvous for the “Opening night Gala (or Gayla, depending on how you pronunciation preference) for STIFF. We had no idea what to expect. The program suggested that it was 5 hours long and we thought they couldn't be showing movies for 5 hours. Turns out they WERE showing movies for 5 hours. Since we were very hungry and tired and seeing a midnight movie that night anyway, we opted for being social and fed. I think we made the right decision. After all, I would have had to share an audience with my nemesis, Fan Boy. And that would have done no one any good.
We left around 10:00 to go to the Neptune to see “Night of the Living Dorks” (or however you say that in German). Even though I had consumed 5 ciders, I had only the slightest buzz. I think I may be regaining the Karen Allen in Raiders-esque alcohol tolerance that I possessed during my 8 boozy months of living abroad. Hmmm. Good or bad? Anyway, we got in line for the movie and Dom and I passed out “Snow Day” postcards promoting the screening the next day. We, in turn, received free energy drinks from the Jones Soda crew that I will NEVER drink. Every time I think of ANY energy drink, it reminds me of Red Bull which I've only had once in conjunction with too much vodka and an early-morning three hour charter bus ride. Suffice it to say, I will never drink Red Bull again and don't even want to be reminded of the taste, smell, texture or concept.
Moving right along…we took our seats for the movie, armed with a last hoorah of carbohydrates. We were treated to a short before the feature. When I say treated, I actually mean we were taunted because this “little” short about a high school geek who makes a pact with the devil to be good at basketball was ALL special effects and nothing else. THIS is the kind of thing that SIFF accepts as independent? Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Almost every festival with the word “international” in it is basically a hollywood-sponsored dealy. But I was surprised. And jealous. But that was nothing compared to the sheer disgust that all three of us felt once the feature started.
I don't know who these guys are that made this movie. I did a little internet research and from what I can tell it's two old German men who basically make American-style teen sex comedies en masse. So why they needed the help of an “independent” American film festival is beyond me. But that said, I think they will do fine because the audience FUCKING LOVED it. The film was essentially a cross between American Pie and Idle Hands. (The latter of which I marginally enjoyed). The audience was chalk full of eager beavers who ERUPTED in laughter at every stupid cliche boner or weed joke. I also realise now that the so-called geeky protagonists WEREN'T EVEN THAT GEEKY. They smoked pot on the way to school, they got laid and they were even marginally attractive. In fact, the “geeky” goth-girl love interest was EXTREMELY attractive (and don't even get me started about the gratuitous scene involving this alleged high school virgin sleeping in lacy underpants and a tight t-shirt). As for the horror aspect of it, well, it was luke warm. There were more gross-out moments involving excrement and jizz than there were gorey moments. It's like they threw the whole zombie bit in there as an afterthought; some cheap way of making the otherwise cliche “losers-get-laid” plot stand out. Awful awful awful. But I guess we were the only three people who thought so. I just hope it was because it was a drunken midnight movie audience who was eager to laugh at anything. Because I was actually EMBARRASSED when the audience shrieked with glee at a reference to Seattle and Kurt Cobain. (Although Faye has a theory that they actually change that line to be city-specific. So if it's playing in Lubbock, Texas, the line is “If this spell works, we can fly to Texas and resurrect Buddy Holly” WOOOOOHOOOO!). After all that mental exhaustion, I went home to sleep the sleep of the sex-crazed, dorky German zombie.
Saturday
Faye and I headed down to the Seattle Art Museum around 1:00 to catch the screening of all the Weekend Film Challenge films. In particular, we wanted to see the one that Dom, krk, Ben, Borgia and Jef made on the big screen. For the challenge, several teams got a prop, a genre and a line of dialog on Friday night and had to complete a film (written, shot and edited) in 72 hours. The prop was lotion. The line of dialog was “Basically, everything that comes out of my mouth is good” and the genre, for our boys, was sci-fi. The short that they created from those criteria is nothing short of comic brilliance. I can't even begin to describe it, but I will definitely link to it when it appears on Storypipe later. The rest of the films were pretty funny too (except for the one that wasn't), but I still think “Future Good” was the cream of the crop.
After the screening, Faye and I got interviewed for Storypipe which was weird. I'm still not used to being in front of the camera. But we did get to tell “bad date stories” (in our ongoing effort to extinguish all stereotypes about women filmmakers).
Dom had to run off to interview some legitimate artists, so Faye, Borgia and I killed time at Shorty's before our screening at 6:00. I have never played Lord of the Rings pinball before and I have to say it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite pinball after South Park pinball. If for no other reason than the moving Balrog piece.
The screening went as well as can be expected for a space that only holds about 30 people. I can't wait till we can get this thing in front of a horror audience though.
After the screening, we hung about the Rendezvous for a while longer and then headed over to the Nite Lite to take over their juke box and keep it Garth Brooks free for a while.
Sunday
I was utterly useless. Except when I was stricken with my monthly bout of guilt for living in filth, and cleaned the house.
Today I discovered that the Tangent Productions site is also blocked from my work computer. That is LOW, man. It's also creepy because I haven't actually BEEN to that site from my work computer in a while. I have two theories.
1) They found it from my LJ which means that they actually WERE reading my journal and it's a good job I'm locking them.
2) They googled me.
I'm not sure which theory creeps me out more. I realise I sound a bit paranoid but this website blocking business has got me all bugaboo!
Luckily, my genius friend Mark showed me a neat trick for bypassing the block. I tried it and low and behold it WORKED! So my LJ days may not be over just yet. For now, though, I'm going to lay low because obviously I am under scrutiny. I can't take any chances. The Red Squad will never take me alive! The cheese stands alone!
Whoa. What? Where am I?
In other, less paranoid news, I was going through intern resumes today and found two very hilarious sentences on two separate cover letters.
First, “During my employment as a lifeguard, I enjoyed the responsibility that I had over people's lives.” This was from some frat boy who apparently likes to play god.
And more disturbingly, “I hope that we can meet soon so that we can go over my qualifications and discuss my exceptional potency.”
That one made me laugh so loud that others in the office came to see what was going on. They found hilarious and tried to convince me to bring him in for an interview as a joke. Apparently, he is Russian so it's possible that because of the language barrier, he doesn't realise that he sounds like he wants to impregnate someone. Or worse…or better?
As if I didn't already love Sam Rockwell enough, he had to go and do a thing like this little short called “Robin's Big Date” wherein Rockwell plays Batman to that kid from Dodgeball's Robin. I especially love how they didn't try to pad his costume or anything so when he stands up, the thing just HANGS off of him. It takes a little while to download but it's worth it.
It's been a pretty kickass long weekend so far. And it's only half over! I will do the long recap on Tuesday but right now I want to draw the attention of everyone who is local the a rare and exciting opportunity. Whilst perusing the horror websites for reviews of our movie, I found a blurb about a movie I didn't even know existed. That's right, folks. They made ANOTHER Crow movie. And while that may sound excessive and redundant given the quality of the last two, just LOOK at the cast of this movie! Edward Furlong as yet another man who loses his girlfriend and comes back from the grave for sweet revenge! Tara Reid as some some dumb girl who is evil (she's got RANGE, people)! That's pretty cool, right? But then look at who the BAD guys is! DAVID BOREANAZ! Fucking ANGELUS is in this movie!!!!! There is also Dennis Hopper (who will be in anything and Macy Gray. I wager that it's going to be “Alone in the Dark” hilarious and “Valentine” bloody awesome. And while it's going direct to video, for some reason it's getting a special engagement theatrical release for ONE WEEK only in our fair city. So who wants to see this movie with me sometime between June 3rd and 10th at Pacific Place?! There is NO WAY this movie won't be entertaining.
These Batman and Robin erotic paintings are SO awesome! Were I proficient in watercolors, I would do an answer series of Transformers porn. Also, we answer the age-old question: No, that's NOT a cod piece. (It’s also NSFW.)
This is a sample sentence from a letter that I had to edit for Demonella. I SO regret telling her that I was an English major. It is painful to read sentences like this from “professionals”.
As we are sure you can appreciate, it would be near impossible to provide performance information that was much more than illustrative in nature based on the fact that no two clients have the same start date, existing positions to consider, tax situations, or investment preferences.
Here are two pictures which make me want to hurl.
Last night was the Cast/Crew/Friends/Dom's Family screening of “SDBSD”. It was kinda weird. I was a little disappointed at how UNsmoothly it went. We had technical difficulties so the 6:30 screening didn't start till, like, 6:50. A lot of people showed up late (who shows up late to a movie?!) and due to lack of volunteers, Faye and I ended up working the check-in table instead of schmoozing and “guaging audience reaction” as Dom said we should. So I guess it's a good thing that most of the industry/press folks we invited didn't show up. Faye and I did sit in for the second screening, though. And I learned a few things.
1) Oh my god, I hate looking at myself on screen. During the EPK interviews, I was seriously mortified. And it wasn't just because of my nervous tick/stroke victim mouth. It's a damned good thing I'm not an actor. Still, if Faye and I are to be one day interviewed by Guilianna DiPandi on E!, we best get used to the camera. But Jesus. A giant Jessica is not a good Jessica.
2) The problem with having such a short movie is that if people laugh at one joke, they will be laughing over the next joke.
3) Our movie is not “laugh-out-loud funny”. It more of a “chortle quietly to yourself” film. I hope.
4) Drinking Vodka on a weeknight isn't necessarily a good idea.
Which brings me to the after-party. Faye, Jacob and I were cleaning up so we arrived late and discovered that there were no seats left the room we reserved at the Canterbury. It was ok though because Elyse decided to buy us shots at the bar. She asked the bartender to give us three “sorority girl shots”. A VERY hammered girl at the bar overheard this and said something like “I can get those” which led us to believe she worked there. She didn't. She was just HAMMERED. So, for lack of ideas and little cooperation from the bartender, we ordered kamikazes and then went to sit down in a different room to eat. We were hoping that the room would clear out a little, leaving us seats. While we ate, the drunk girl from the bar came over with a blue highlighter and proceeded to write greek letters on mine and Faye's arm. She was rambling something awful so I STILL don't know what she said exactly but it was something about her being sorry (?) for wearing stockings. She was only wearing them because she'd been to a job interview at 2:00 that day. And drinking ever since, I'm assuming. The night was pretty tame after that. But I still drank way too many Vodka Collins' and thus have some major tummy rumblings today. I hope I have time to get in a nap after work because it's back to the party grindstone tonight for Ben Dunn's birthday in the Mos Eisley Cantina where gay Tom Savini works! Also, everybody's welcome to come if they don't already know about it. The more people to give Ben birthday spankings, the better!
YEEEEEESSSS! I got a meme!
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY (besides your real name):
1. Jess
2. J-Bax
3. Messica
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. LintIsGod (Stupid high school joke. That was my first ever screen name and it was on AOL)
2. i_see_toast (Stupid now joke from when Dom and I were courting. Somehow I still think it's funny)
3. the_baxter
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I've been told I have nice eyes
2. Badunkadunk (sometimes I like it)
3. Boobies
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF :
Aw…only THREE?
1. Not as thin as I used to be. Not that I thought I was thin then.
2. Short torso.
3. Manly shoulders.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Italian
3. Fruitcake
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Death
2. Confrontation
3. Elevators
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Chap stick
2. Eyeliner
3. Email
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A brown dress with pink trim! (I want to look nice for tonight).
2. My Mary Janes.
3. Black stockings. Always black stockings.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. The Clash
2. Oasis
3. Buddy Holly
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Trust
2. Spontaneity
3. Friendship
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I never got drunk until college
2. I'm one of the of millions of people who suffers from IBS
3. I was a virgin until college
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. The ability (and propensity) to grow facial hair
2. Boys are funnier (and more fun) than girls (with a few notable exceptions, most of whom I'm friends with)
3. Penis
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Watching Movies
2. Making movies (though I'm not sure if that's a hobby if I want to turn it into a career)
3. Drinking with friends (how sad)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Caffienate
2. Not be at work
3. Go on a trip with my friends
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Filmmaker
2. Vet (What I wanted to be in elementary school before I realised that I needed to be good at science)
3. Rock Journalist (that's what I wanted to be in high school before I realised I hated most of the music I would have to cover)
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. San Diego :)
2. New Orleans
3. Mexico
THREE NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Johnny Gunn
2. Dom Zook
3. Benn Dunn
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Become immortal
2. Visit at least 5 more countries
3. Make “Plight of the Living Dead”
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I like poop jokes
2. I like violent movies
3. I hate Sex and The City
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I like to wear dresses and skirts
2. I get PMS something awful
3. I wonder if I look fat in that
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Rob Zombie
2. Dominic Monaghan
3. Melanie Lynskey
THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
meepblop, demondoyle, icy_breeze
