This is Why I Can't Take 'Smallville' Seriously

Clark: They're after the map…
Chloe:and the treasure!

How My Time is Spent

I may have dropped my Whole Foods cookie on the floor, but I ate it anyway because it was $5. I didn't know it was $5 until after it was wrung up. It sure didn't taste like a $5 cookie but at least there were no discernible lint bits seasoning it.

I have been reading books about weddings. I justify it by the fact that every book has a counterculture title implication like “anti” and “alternative”. Unfortunately, most of them are still pretty damned annoying. They offer advice like “Moisturize, get a massage, and drink Cosmos with your girlfriends to relax!”, a packing list for your honeymoon (in case your mom is still packing your suitcase for you” and “Eat a hamburger on the day of your wedding! You'll need the protein to give you energy! (If you're a vegetarian, eat a veggie burger.)” PHEW! I thought that I was going to have to throw away 15 years of vegetarianism in order to make it through my wedding day. Luckily, I found one book that I love. It's written by a Seattleite who is an ex-raver and I must admit that after reading the book and her blog, I'm a little obsessed with her. She's sardonic, hilarious (filthy jokes abound) and my kind of candid (meaning she regularly drops the f-bomb. Furthermore, she actually gives useful advice. Unlike the other books I've read, she writes with the assumption that you actually have SOME idea of what's involved in a wedding and, like, how to take care of yourself. And OMG we have so much in common! She appreciates high camp, her mom is new-agey and she is a former rat owner! I'm quite convinced that we would be BFFs.

The internet makes creepy stalkers of us all.

Memeing My Days Away

Do you know anyone in prison?
I don’t. But I DO know that when I was at summer camp one year, my mom mailed all my comic books to a pen pal of hers in prison. Some of them were fairly valuable. He probably traded them for smokes.

Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace?
No.

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
Week or two? I like PBJ.

Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
I have not.

What kind of car do you have?
None at the moment, but I shall be inheriting my mom’s Toyota Corolla in Feb. I will still take public transportation whenever possible though.

Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?
I recently learned that my second middle name is actually my first last name. So in that sense, I guess I am named after my mom.

Does your first significant other still live in the same town as you?
Not that I know of.

Do you throw up gang signs?
I throw up primarily vomit.

Have you ever broken a rib?
No.

Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
I don’t know any different.

Who is the most spoiled person you know?
Co-worker.

Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
Love love love.

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?
Nein.

Do you watch the Grammys?
Nein. I’m too old. I don’t get the music the kids like these days.

Would you ever work for the border patrol?
Never. Unless I could somehow use it for good.

Have you ever had an eating disorder?
Kinda. In high school. 95% of the girls in my class did.

How many proms have you been to in your life?
Zero.

Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
My cousin is in the military. I don’t know where she’s stationed though. I’m not a good relative.

Do you worry about global warming?
OMG yes!

Do you like polar bears?
Yes. They have fur on the bottoms of their feet!

Have you ever been on birth control?
Consistently for the last 11 years of my life. I worry about what it will do to my body if/when I stop.

What slang word(s) do you call marijuana?
Chronic, Grass, Weed, Dope, Doobage, Sticky Icky. The possibilities are endless.

Do you wear your sweetie's clothes?
No. But I tried on his pants once because I was buying him pants.

What's your opinion on gold diggers?
Gold is worthless. Corn futures!

Do you want to hit something?
I would, but I don’t have the energy.

A Man of Lynchian Proportions

Preston R. Koeger is 97 years old. Eddie Izzard was right. When you are young, you want to tell everyone how old you are and round up to the nearest fraction so that they think you are an adult. When you are an adult, you don't want anyone to know how old you are because you want them to think you are younger. When you are 97, you tell EVERYONE. And you should. Because it's damned impressive.

You also want to impart your wisdom on everyone you meet. You may ask them questions, but you don't care about the answers. It's merely a means to segue into your next rant.

We met Preston R. Koeger at the new Earl's on the Ave. He doesn't mind telling you he's 97 years old. He wears a carefully pressed beige trench coat and a fedora with a feather in it. His silk tie is tied “the French way” so that they will last longer. He doesn't mind telling you he owns ties that are 100 years old because of his way of tying them. He walks with a cane. Every tooth in his mouth is chipped. He does not drink scotch. You may as well pour gasoline in a glass, says he of Scotch. He is a bourbon man.

Preston R. Koeger asks if you are a student. But he only asks so that he may tell you that HE is a student. Of law. At the University of Washington. He's 97 years old. Why NOT study law?

Preston R. Koeger is a strong proponent for the 2nd amendment. Do you know what the second amendment is? It's the Right to Bear Arms, isn't it? You're goddamned right it is. Would you like to see his NRA membership card?

Preston R. Koeger doesn't believe in marriage. Why marry one woman when you can make ALL the women happy. He doesn't mind making the ladies happy. He also isn't afraid to take each and every one of the women in this bar over his knee.

Preston R. Koeger uses a cane because he has metal in his knee. He will show you his scar even though he is a little shy about exposing his legs. Not like women today. He was in the army for 31 years.

According to Preston R. Koeger, Sinatra was a brat. Carey Grant, now that's a real man.

There hasn't been a good movie made in Hollywood in 20 years, says Preston R. Koeger. What's the last film that Preston R. Koeger liked? He can't remember the name of it but it was about a pretty blonde who goes to law school. In the end, she solves the murder case in the courtroom. The questions she asks! No one in the court has ever heard anything like these questions! Preston R. Koeger is also going to law school. Would you like to see his student ID?

Preston R. Koeger must be going because it is time for him to visit the Triple Door. He used to sing opera at the Triple Door back when it was just a garage. Because of that, he has a lifetime membership there. He can have all the free food and drink he wants. He will shake your hand goodbye and it will be a strong handshake. Not like the limp pansy handshakes that some people give.

Things That Annoy Me In Media Today

1) Thanks a lot Google News for spoiling the winner of Top Chef for me before I got to watch it. I'll thank you next time to use a safe headline like “New Top Chef Named” instead of “______ Takes Top Chef Title”. Jerks.

2) Brett Ratner named new director for “Escape from New York” Remake. Between ruining the 3rd X-Men movie to casting one of my favorite directors, Roman Polanski, in some wacky villain role in Rush Hour 3, this man has been pissing on things that are dear to me for quite some time now. Leave Snake Pliskin alone!

I'm Published!

Gross self-promotion follows:

As you may or may not know, for the past year I have been writing for a company called Not For Tourists. They publish off-beat guidebooks for some of the larger, more indie cities in the country (New York, San Fran, Boston, Atlanta). The first Seattle edition has finally been published. I wrote quite a few sections, including the Seattle Center section (of which I am especially proud). I also served as the Night Life section editor, because I am such a party girl. I know that most of you LIVE in Seattle, so you may think NFT doesn't have much to offer you, but for those of you who like to discover new places or just smugly read about places with which you are already familiar, you should check out Not For Tourists. I also recommend checking out their books for other NFT cities, should you plan to visit them. If you're, like me, you prefer to explore locations which are off the beaten path and these books are perfect for providing that information. They are very entertaining and thorough and fit neatly in your pocket or hip satchel. I haven't yet received my complimentary copies, but you can all purchase a copy here.

FURTHERMORE, I will be a regular contributor to their website. Once the Seattle page launches (they are saying Mid-October), you will be able to read my brand new restaurant/bar and entertainment reviews FREE!

Please enjoy.