A GGood Boner Back in My Life

WEEKEND RECAP

Friday

After a hellish week for both Faye and me, all we wanted to do was chiiiiiill and watch a bad movie. We managed to rope Ben and Sherrard into watching it with us and we even pre-funked by watching part of the “Muppet Wizard of Oz” starring Ashanti. Well, not even Pepe the Prawn in a starring role could save that pile of excrement. So after we had a sufficient buzz going, we started the movie. The movie was “American Psycho 2”. Since Faye is going to post her review about it, I shant spoil it. I will only say this. It was in NO WAY a sequel to American Psycho. In fact, I'm pretty damned sure that it was only given the box office gold “American Psycho” title because after the producers saw the first cut of the film they thought “Well, we certainly can't sell this turd based on Mila Kunis's acting. And since she doesn't take her top off ONCE, we are fucked. Unless we can think of some way to tie this thing to another movie as a sequel. Hmmmm….what movies are about serial killers? Well, there's “Silence of the Lambs” but this isn't even on par with “Hannibal”. There's those “Urban Legend” movies but this doesn't have an ensemble cast and all the college student characters die within the first 40 minutes. Wait! I got it! “American Psycho!” Sure, at the end of the story we learn that Patrick Bateman didn't actually kill anybody but most people who saw that movie didn't even read the book so they couldn't be sure WHAT the hell the end of that movie meant. We'll just shoot one extra scene wherein Mila Pug-nose witnesses Patrick Bateman killing her cousin, thus fucking her up for life. Perfect! We may even make back a quarter of our budget on video sales this way.”

Near the end of the movie, Elyse and Gene showed up and were bored instantly. Luckily, Tobe was there to melt their hearts. After the movie, Faye and I couldn't bring ourselves to join people at the Rosebud so we watched the “Reefer Madness” musical instead (which we seem to be alone in appreciating).

Saturday

Faye and I decided to be girly and shop a little before seeing “Layer Cake” at SIFF. After shopping, we still had some time to kill and we went for some drinks. There had been some crazy street fair in the U that day. I don't know if that's what brought the freaks out or if it was the usual clientele. But at Finn McCool's we were annoyed by a young, obnoxious named Tyler (of course) who bet us we “couldn't shake his hand”. We were in no mood for this so we downed one drink and left, passing Tyler who stood on the porch trying to smoke a cigarette through 3 straws.

At Big Time, things were much more calm. The eyecandy was in effect and the enjoyment of the beer was uninterrupted by students. But then we were approached by an old man who's cheeks were rosy with drink. At first, we thought he just wanted a friendly chat. He asked if we were vendors for the art thingy. We said we weren't. He said he worked with wood but we could never quite pinpoint what he DID with the wood. He them told us that was his hobby. He really worked for the Seattle Storm. He assumed that we must be into the Seattle Storm too. At first, we had no idea why he would think this until it became apparent that he thought we were lesbians. Faye said “No, we're just best friends” which he thought was beautiful, but ultimately, not as interesting at lesbians would be. He asked us what we did and we told him we were filmmakers. This prompted him to tell us that he was a “multi-billionaire” and he tried to get us to tell him why he should give us money. We weren't really prepared to pitch but if he WAS an eccentric billionare, we didn't want to pass it up so I started into my shpiel. He stopped me saying “No! No. What do you WANT”. I told him we wanted to make films for a living. He said “NO! What do you WANT”. I said “We want money to make the films”. He said “YES! Ok. [to Faye] What do YOU want”. Faye tried the same tactic but it was too late. He turned to the girl at the table next to us and said something to her. She responded and he turned back to us and said “Now, SHE'S interesting”. And that's our cue to exit. I think the only reason we'd stayed around that long was because he'd offered to buy us drinks. But he never did. Billionaires are so stingy.

We still had time to kill before the movie so we tried to get in one more at the “All American Bar”. It was at that point that we realised we were in no mood to sit quietly in the dark for the next two hours. So we just picked up our SIFF tickets and bussed it back to The Hill. We met Sherrard and Borgia for a few more at the Lava Lounge and Belltown Pizza before calling it a night.

Sunday

Nothing exciting to report.

pantry Therapeutic/Minerals

So far it's another craptastic work day. I am too busy to post a long bitch-session about it (lucky for you), so instead I will post some pictures and a joke, all of which make me laugh. I know a few of you are also having bad weeks, so I hope this joke will help you get through your day too.

Q: What do you call a young cat with crap all over it?
A: A shitten.

Hulk smash intern

Stupid Intern just cost me a day's worth of work. Stupid Intern does not understand the concept of putting together a booklet. For some reason, he thought the side of the page with WORDS on it should face backward and punched the holes accordingly. He thought the same thing for the covers which are now ruined and hard to get more of. From now on I will only give Stupid Intern tasks that my butthole could do in it's sleep. So Stupid Intern is now in charge of sealing envelopes and farting. That is all.

What? It's only WEDNESDAY??!!! FUUUUUUUUCK!

stolen Hydroxyprogesterone Caproate

I would like to now, if I may, express my feelings toward the printer/copier here, that for some reason I am in charge of, which breaks down at least once a week.

RT^%U!^&*#1!(*^!&*#IUHUILU^*&%^!(O(!LOHDUILW&*)(!!)@^#&VJHDKAHO:(I!()#(&$(#R:LDJIW^&#@&$@^%!%&!&RIEGFV”LP:R”PY*@(*)&($O@$JKLRIO&R(*^!%*!&!*U (FH)(@#&(*#@!^#@V&^$@#(*IOHFWGFHL>U*(qy42li3ehy2u40%*!@&*@$FGJKi7w453O*@(){@# #YT;4w u4029p243j2oi3479a2@)(&*@!(^!*(!)(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

ask and ye shall receive

Ahe wanted me to post a new entry so that she didn't have to look at my monkey face anymore. (Even though Elyse says I make a cute monkey. Thank you, Elyse. Well, anyway, this picture is my current desktop background for my home p.c. and it makes me laugh EVERY TIME. I retract my earlier statement about babies having no character.

The best part about this picture is that I think the parent created the caption. It makes me want to have any angry baby some day…

supplicate Strattera

WEEKEND RECAP

Friday

I went with Faye and Elyse to see the show that Dom is in right now. It’s a musical called “Ragtime”. I know a lot of my gentle readers are familiar with musical theatre in general, but for those of you who aren’t, “Ragtime” is THE whitest musical about black music perhaps ever. It’s as if someone set out to make a classical opera about Rock and Roll and didn’t put one single NOTE of guitar in there. It also could have been easily re-named “Sterotype-time” because that’s how it felt. The Jewish immigrant character sang about money all the time and actually “made-it” by becoming a Hollywood director. The main characters were a black couple and their story would have been pretty moving had it just been THEIR story. But they had to share it with the Jewish stereotype, his mute daughter who inexplicably wore a hackey-sack on her head, and the white family with the prejudice father, the long-suffering mother and the radical son. Along the way we also met some “characters” based on real historical figures like J.P. Morgan and Harry Houdini, the latter of whom was played by Dom. Houdini’s lines were such transparent metaphors that he ACTUALLY said something akin to “I am also am immigrant and look at how famous I am. You can break your chains of oppression like I did.”. (And seriously, I was paraphrasing the line, but it was phrased that blatantly). Of course, none of this is the fault of the cast. The actors were great. The singing was good. I just don’t understand why, in this day and age, especially in a city like Seattle, why anyone would feel the need to put this show on. There are no “lessons” in there for us to learn that we don’t already know. And it certainly wasn’t to celebrate the music of “ragtime” because there was NO GODDAMN RAGTIME IN IT. So what’s the point? Well, the audience was 95% geriatric so that might answer my question for me.
We were grateful that we packed out vodka and cokes. During intermission, the three of us hid behind a tree to pass the bottle around and we were lucky enough to witness something glorious. Across the field, in the darkness, we saw a cop car pull in flashing it’s lights. They said something over the loudspeaker and then, all of a sudden, the darkness lit up with the headlights of over 50 cars. All the cars sped off as fast as they could. One car stayed behind, taking one for the team. Awesome! A high school kegger got busted! I was a loser in high school and never got invited to those parties so I didn’t even know that really happened outside of the movies. But apparently it does. Dom said that from backstage, they could see even better and saw some kids running off into the woods. Hilarious!

Saturday

Tobe had to go to the vet for a checkup and his annual shot. He was in and out of there pretty quickly though and nothing seems to bother him much.
I had a few hours to kill so I took a nap whilst attempting to watch a Robert Altman movie. Then Faye and I went to a friend’s birthday BBQ at Golden Gardens. I’d never been there for a BBQ before and Faye and I found it a little strange. It’s SO crowded. We kind of felt like we were crashing some huge party. But I wonder if everyone there feels like they’re crashing someone else’s party. Right next to us, a guy showed some people his fire-vomiting trick which involved putting lighter fluid in his mouth. That doesn’t seem too smart too me. Seems like it would work just as well to use something edible like Bacardi 151. But the dude vomited fire so who am I to question his lifestyle choices?
I also happened to witness a totally surreal, sad and hilarious moment in American life. A HUGELY overweight woman wearing a mumu was walking down the path with her slightly less overweight friend and a little girl. The mumu lady was carrying an unopened bag of cheetos. Suddenly, she stopped and opened the bag. She actually had to STOP WALKING to open the bag of Cheetos. She ate a handful and then handed the bag to the little girl and they continued walking. It was the kind of scene that would have made Bill Hicks cry.
Later that night, Faye and I were at a loss as to what to do. We wanted to do something “new” but couldn’t think of anything. We rounded up Sherrard and headed out in search of a bar that we’ve never been too. Instead, we went to the Honey Hole. On my FIRST DRINK, I gesticulated a little too wildly about god-knows what and spilled the damned thing all over myself. The waiter was nice though and actually brought me a new one free. I was so impressed with his service that in addition to the 20+% tip, we also left him a Jonathan Knight sticker that I had earlier acquired from Archie McPhee’s. That’s what you get for good service from me.

Sunday

I spent most of the day being a lump of crap. I skipped yoga and then felt guilty about it so I tried to do it at my house. I think I may have fucked up my neck as a result. Then Dom and I got thai food and watched Pootie Tang which was pretty damned funny. I’m surprised I haven’t seen it until now. It was written and directed by Louis C.K. who is a great comedian with a pretty entertaining website. I particularly like the “Bad Jokes” section. My personal favorite?

Q: What do you call the female child of the woman who helps you while you're pregnant? Also the woman is from Boston and the child is sort of oddly tall shaped.

A: My doula's oblong daughtah.

Ba-dum-ch.

it lives within's new samples.

I am supposed to be working on this stupid crap called cost basis. I won't bore you with a description of what that entails. I'll just say that it's math and it makes my head hurt. Since I have to ask The Lil'est Dictator for help with it, I'm putting it off till after lunch and updating my LJ now. Fuck you, cost basis.

Last night, Faye and I enjoyed a very special episode of the O.C. and an even MORE special bottle and a half of wine. I love Thursday nights.

**SPOILERS HEREIN***
Special guest star George Lucas's goiter was looking particularly lively as he delivered his lines like a robot. Chris Martin annoyed the crap out of us with him sad bastardly warbling as Marissa and Ryan danced in the moonlight, suspicion-free. Summer achieved her episode-long dream of becoming prom queen with her prom jester by her side as the funniest extras in television delivered their unappreciated “ad libs”. Shaun of the Dead officially became mainstream enough to be mentioned on a ridiculously popular hour-long drama. Sadly, there was no mention of another little movie that it supposedly inspired. Caleb's heart melted for the love of a mermaid and then stopped working seconds later, and the episode ended in a surprisingly moving way with Kirstin fucking off to be alone with her bottle of “pure” vodka.
***End Spoilers***

Well, after that, there was naught to do but write a screenplay for an “inspirational” short film called “Retard to Retard” wherein Faye plays not one but TWO “developmentally disabled” persons being brave and heartwarming in a world that was not made for them. We hope to shoot it soon. But first, Faye must prepare for her most traumatic role to date. Look for Faye on Inside the Actor's studio in the coming months, scratching her butt with her Oscar.

God, I miss Tru Calling.

harebrained Dical

I would like to snap this woman over my knee like a twig. After I punch her in her pouty, evil mouth.

Of course I'm just talking about her CHARACTER on Lost. I know the difference between TV and real life. Really, I do.

dharma fin solstice taut

I am COMPLETELY shocked by only having a 37% chance of going to hell. Also, did that quiz just call me fat?

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 60%
Lust: 60%
Envy: 40%
Sloth: 40%
Greed: 20%
Pride: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 37%
You'll die from food poisoning – and then the natives will feast on your fatty limbs.
How Sinful Are You?

conquistador Phenetapp

Last night’s Murder City Devils DVD release party was the most fun I’ve had on a Tuesday in a while. I was already buzzed when I got there because I came from the Women In Film tour of Modern Digital and they had free wine. I am INCAPABLE of passing up free booze. I’m seriously. It’s like my goddamned kryptonite.
ANYWAY, I was late getting to the Croc and felt like an asshole because apparently Sherrard was harassed by paparazzi while he waited for me. We went in and found Ryan and Adam who were already well on their way to Drunky Town. Ryan was kind enough to bring Sherrard and me a menu AND some drinks. We ate some food and drank some water (which I credit for the reason I’m not incapacitatingly hung-over today). Then the DVD screening started and I was immediately sucked through a portal back in time to Halloween 2002. It was amazing. I was actually at the show but was in the bar in the back being surly so I didn’t experience the full extend of the raw energy that was pulsing through the crowd that night. But the video TOTALLY captures it. It’s mostly hand-held shots and one of the cameras is in the crowd so you really feel like you’re there watching the stuff of legends being woven. It was enhanced by the way in which the movie was shown: on a screen on the stage behind the gear of the band that was scheduled to play afterwards. It was really quite trippy. Sherrard commented on the significance of having this footage because most of the influential rock bands of the past don’t really have that much archival footage available. There’s not that much for The Clash or the Pistols and the sound and picture quality is usually really awful. In this case, The Murder City Devils WILL be an influential band for future generations and they will have this wonderful DVD with great picture and sound quality to look back on. Hooray for Ryan and Adam who have done their part for the history of rock and roll.
I got home around midnight. Fueled by drink and rock I couldn’t sleep and so instead I stayed up till 1 in the morning writing Friendster testimonials for people. Yeah, I don’t know either.