Grindhouse Sucks

You heard me.

I regretted not getting a chance to see it in the theatres, but after watching both movies this weekend, I am actually quite relieved. I never would have been able to handle those two movies back to back. I probably would have walked out of Death Proof.

Planet Terror was alright from a gore standpoint, but the aging effects were too cutesy and quickly became irritating. They distracted from the gore which would have otherwise been the strongest aspect of the film. The stunt casting was also very distracting. If you are going for a traditional Grindhouse look, you simply cannot have Bruce Willis in a supporting role and have it work. It was less about sending up the Grindhouse genre and more about “Look how cute we are and how many famous people we are friends with.” Also, Quentin Tarentino and Eli Roth are NOT actors. They are horrible. They're not even attractive. They are wanky movie geeks and it shows in their “delivery”.

Death Proof was practically ALL dialog with only 20 or-so minutes of cool car chases and gore. Furthermore, Quentin Tarentino's idea of the female voice makes Joe Esterhaus sound like Gloria Steinem. All I could do was picture Tarentino typing with one hand and holding his dick with the other. After sitting through the first 45 minutes, which is all just listening to assholes talk and girls dancing (plus more Roth and Tarentino “acting”), we couldn't stand to watch all the “character development” with the second group of girls, so we hit the fast forward button to the good stuff. The good stuff was not good enough. Even vintage cars and girls fighting was not enough to redeem Death Proof. I still wanted to take a crowbar to Tarentino's face for making me witness his Hollywood Circle Jerk.

That's all Grindhouse is. One big circle jerk. I need to go take a scalding shower.

The Year in Sentences

Meme from MarkTapioKines

Post the first line of each blog post in a new month for the past year. This becomes your year-in-review of sorts.

January
All told, a lovely, relaxing long weekend.

February
I have been feeling sort of crappy for the last couple of days.

March
Since I was sick this weekend, I didn't really do much so I kind of felt like I was cheated out of a weekend.

April
We began our evening at the Tin Hat.

May
Happy May Day. They finally removed the blood-soaked rag from the sidewalk outside my office building!

June
If I were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be:
Removable winter coat, large satchel, bottle of vodka, graphic novel, wooden stake. (I imagine the doll version of me is a vampire slayer.)

July
Movies about Hit Men with a Heart of Gold are played out.

August
The company I work for was featured in a New York Times article this morning.

September
Should I be upset that over the past year I have been increasingly deleted from the Top Friends of MY top friends on MySpace?

October
As you may or may not know, for the past year I have been writing for a company called Not For Tourists.

November
I'm going to ignore how terrible and “Dark Angely” this sounds and just be happy that Whedon and Co. are returning to television.

December
It makes perfect sense that Dominic DeJoseph would want to document the man called Johnny Berlin.

It seems like over the past year, my blog has become all memes and reviews. I'm OK with this though. If I'm going to actively pursue this freelance writing thing and use my blog as a promotional forum for that, I should probably get away with writing about my personal life anyhow. Besides, I've been pretty bored writing my personal blog entries (and have often aborted them halfway through) so I'm sure that my reader(s) got there way before I did.