Grindhouse Sucks

You heard me.

I regretted not getting a chance to see it in the theatres, but after watching both movies this weekend, I am actually quite relieved. I never would have been able to handle those two movies back to back. I probably would have walked out of Death Proof.

Planet Terror was alright from a gore standpoint, but the aging effects were too cutesy and quickly became irritating. They distracted from the gore which would have otherwise been the strongest aspect of the film. The stunt casting was also very distracting. If you are going for a traditional Grindhouse look, you simply cannot have Bruce Willis in a supporting role and have it work. It was less about sending up the Grindhouse genre and more about “Look how cute we are and how many famous people we are friends with.” Also, Quentin Tarentino and Eli Roth are NOT actors. They are horrible. They're not even attractive. They are wanky movie geeks and it shows in their “delivery”.

Death Proof was practically ALL dialog with only 20 or-so minutes of cool car chases and gore. Furthermore, Quentin Tarentino's idea of the female voice makes Joe Esterhaus sound like Gloria Steinem. All I could do was picture Tarentino typing with one hand and holding his dick with the other. After sitting through the first 45 minutes, which is all just listening to assholes talk and girls dancing (plus more Roth and Tarentino “acting”), we couldn't stand to watch all the “character development” with the second group of girls, so we hit the fast forward button to the good stuff. The good stuff was not good enough. Even vintage cars and girls fighting was not enough to redeem Death Proof. I still wanted to take a crowbar to Tarentino's face for making me witness his Hollywood Circle Jerk.

That's all Grindhouse is. One big circle jerk. I need to go take a scalding shower.

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