Secret information



I kicked things off with a much-needed happy hour. It had been a rough week at work because the only person, who is (at least seemingly) busier than me, was out, so I had to cover for him. Anywho, we chose a place called AXIS from the Master Spreadsheet of Happy Hours that Elyse sent me, and gave it a try. AXIS, while having great deals on food and pretty good flavored Kamikazes, fills up with frat-types rather quickly. (I need a better word than that for these guys. I have no doubt that they WERE in frats in college, but they are no longer college students. They have now brought their Dane Cook-loving ways out into the corporate world.) A place like that always makes me feel pretty out of place, no matter how great the company is. And it WAS great company. Brugos, Gene and Sherwood (the latter two, rather unexpectedly) joined me. Elyse was at a beer social with her work buddies and was to show up later. The service was mixed on account of the fact that we seemed to have two waitresses. Waitress #1 was skinny, crabby and neglectful. Waitress #2 was attentive and nice. We’d put in an order with #1, with no confidence that we would actually receive said order. #2 would come and check on us and we’d order with her, and a few minutes later, we’d get what we asked for. After a few rounds of this, #1 started bringing us our orders too; only to find that #2 has already served us. Too bad, Slim. We made sure to give our tip to #2, and made a break for it when Elyse arrived, a new work buddy in tow.

The next order of business was to move on to a location that would entice Faye down the hill. I called Dom too, but he was pretty intent on spending his evening with his new friends called “World” and “of Warcraft”. Gene talked to Faye while we devised our plan: One margarita at Mama’s and then on to the Rendezvous. At Mama’s, there was a long wait for tables, but somehow they got our large party seated in the Elvis room. This compelled some of us to actually order more than just drinks, as we decided they would be pretty pissed at us otherwise. Faye showed up and found us easily enough. She just followed the sounds of the obnoxious laughter.

Next, we moved to the Rendezvous. It was pretty clear before we even went through the door, that there weren’t any tables available. We devising a plan B, when Elyse charged through the door and said that she was “there for the party in the Grotto”. How she knew there even WAS a party in the Grotto, I don’t know, but Brugos and I followed her downstairs anyway. And sure enough, there was a party. From what we could tell, it was a gamer gathering, because they were giving away Playstations and Playstation accessories. Eventually, the others crept downstairs. We figured we were geeky enough. No one would notice us. We ordered drinks from Flamin’ Tom Savini and tucked in to an open booth. Faye, Gene and Sherwood remained standing, however. They were never quite comfortable (and rightly so). Eventually, they left to go to Shorty’s, and we said we’d be along soon. But before we could leave on our own accord, we got busted. Elyse got up to get a drink, and some guy approached her work buddy, Wade. The guy asked Wade if he was a friend of “Big Fish”. Wade said yes, but it was pretty clear that either there WAS no “Big Fish” or he knew Wade was lying. He gave us the stink eye and walked over to his group of friends. We gathered our things, and as we headed for the exit, he flashed a smug smile in our direction.

On to Shorty’s! I can’t speak for everyone, but I was certainly pretty schnockered at this point. Luckily, I had chosen the magical combination of liquors to afford me a drunken cognizance. In other words, I was still in control of my actions. I was just too impaired to play any pinball, as I learned after an embarrassing round of 2-player Lord of the Rings pinball. Brugos kicked ass at it though. I’d never seen anyone anger the Balrog before. That was cool.

After we closed out Shorty’s, Elyse, Gene and Wade left us. The remaining 4 opted to head back to Faye’s house for a reenactment of the previous Friday’s Katamari tournament. It was FREEZING out (and raining drops “the size of babies fists”, as Brugos put it) and so we opted to cab it. Actually hailing a cab turned out to be trickier than one would think. Despite us being on a one-way street, the cabs would not change lanes to stop for us. They would only stop for the people on the other side. Brugos even CALLED a damned cab, but it never came. Or, if it did, we suspect, someone else got it. Eventually, a car stopped for us, and we stuffed ourselves inside.

Going to Faye’s was probably excessive at this point, but it was still fun. We drank some PBR and broke out the video games. I tried to play some old arcade games on Faye’s Playstation, but I did NOT have the motor skills. Instead, we once again found ourselves watching Sherwood play Katamari. At one point, I accidentally called my friend Adriano (as he’s the first name in my address book), and left a 15-minute message on his phone wherein all he could hear was two female voices and a male voice saying “Go up! Now go left! Get it! Yay! Now go right!”. He thanked me for that message.

As it was 4 in the morning, and we were all well beyond function-ability, we called it quits. I introduced Brugos to my couch and passed out myself.


I must have been fucked by the drinking fairy because when I woke up, I had NO hangover! None! Amazing! I haven’t gotten off scott-free like that since before I lived in London. I can’t say the same for my cohorts. Sherwood sent me a text message that just said “ow”. I didn’t dare call Faye until after noon. I don’t know how Brugos was feeling, but I heard him drink some water and leave around 9. I probably felt good, in part, because I made myself stay in bed till 10:30. Then I drank a ton of water, made some hashbrowns and eggs, and Dom and I watched “Star Wars” on his now fully functional Laser Disc player! Who could ask for a better morning? “Star Wars?” was glorious. I know there’s a theory that we only feel that way because of nostalgia. But damnit, I disagree. Those special effects still (mostly) look kick ass to me. Harrison Ford is so suave and badass. Even whiny little Luke comes into his own by the end, taking charge of the assault on the Death Star. Sure, there are some cheesy moments. But there are some really cool ones too. I’d say all the time and money Dom has spent on his Laser Disc situation is worth it.
We are DEFINITELY going to be having an “Empire Strikes Back” party sometime in the near future. Probably won’t be till after New Years, on account of all the holiday parties. But keep, say, the second weekend in January open…

Eventually, I worked my way over to Faye’s, where Sherwood was waiting, and we ventured out into the world to get some dinner. We took Sherwood to Ballet for the first time. Ballet is an Asian “variety” place that serves a lot of vegetarian options and mock meats. Of course, like a lot of these places, their mock meat all tastes the same, but it’s delicious. I recommend the fried rice and the curry. It’s also a good place to go with a mixed crowd because they serve meat dishes too.

While we waited for our food, I thumbed through the Stranger for some ideas about what to do with our evening. By then, it was pretty clear that if I were to press the Aeon Flux issue, I would be spending Saturday evening by myself. Oh well. I guess in this day and age, I will only have to wait a few months to rent it.

After dinner, we went with Sherwood to a little independent comic store which was blaring some awful sad bastard-ette music, that I attribute to making Faye ill. Still, somehow we convinced her to come with us downtown so that Dom could look for pants. We braved Pacific Place and Nordstrom but didn’t find pants. At this point, Faye was feeling VERY ill. Probably something to do with yuppies Christmas shopping. We hopped on a bus and went back to my house. Sherwood left us to satisfy his sudden urge to “be domestic”. Faye collapsed on our couch. Dom and I went to the grocery store and video store for reinforcements.

At this point, all I really wanted out of the evening was to watch “The Fantastic Four”. I was certain that it had come out on DVD. So we went to the video store, only to find that I was wrong. It actually comes out tomorrow. Instead, we rented “War of the Worlds”. It turned out to be a pretty good alternative. I must say, that everything Mark said about this film was correct. The first hour or so are AWESOME. The special effects really are awe-inspiring. The tripods are fucking SCARY, as are their people-dusting capabilities. Not as scary, of course, as Dakota Fanning, who’s “immortal soul” eyes and demeanor give me the willies. Anyway, Tom Cruise played himself which, in this role, was appropriate. The wonderful eye-candy in the form of Cruise’s “son” didn’t hurt either. Hello Justin Chatwin! I don’t know when Stuart Townsend and Chris Hardwick had a kid, but I condone that union whole-heartedly.

After the aliens trap Tom and Dakota in a basement with Tim Robbins, the story starts to fall apart. Seeing the aliens is pretty kick-ass though. They’re actually kind of cute! 10 minutes into the movie, Sherwood called us to tell us that he was done being domestic and joined us for some mindless entertainment. “War of the Worlds” is definitely a great Saturday-evening veg. movie. I’m sorry I doubted you, Mark. I didn’t realize that Spielberg could still wow me with his special-effects. He still can’t tell a complete, satisfactory story though.

After the movie ended, Dom and Sherwood retired to the office to do Men Things. Faye and I flipped around on TV and found a movie I didn’t even think they could get away with making anymore. It’s called “Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life” and it’s about a teenage boy who has everything going for him. He’s a star athlete on the swim team, he gets good grades, and he’s got a beautiful girlfriend who won’t sleep with him. Then, one night, he “accidentally” discovers internet porn whilst googling research for a paper. This spirals him into a dangerous addiction, wherein he spends all night surfing the internet (and NOT masturbating), looking at boobies. This porn is only a gateway, however. Soon, he’s into the “heavy” stuff, like bondage and leather. He also discovers pictures that a girl at his school has taken and posted on the internet. He starts seeing her secretly and she seduces him. At the last minute, he decides he doesn’t want to have sex with her, but…she…FORCES him too. Meanwhile, he’s doing poorly on the swim team because he’s not getting any sleep. His grades are dropping. He’s mean to his mother (played by Kelly Lynch) because she’s pressing him about his lifestyle choices. It’s like she doesn’t even KNOW him anymore. It’s like….he’s addicted…to INTERNET PORN!
But don’t you worry, because true love will find a way. His sweet Christian girlfriend eventually gives him an ultimatum. He must choose between his sordid life of looking at boobies and not whacking off, or being with her and getting a bad case of the blue balls. He decides he wants to be with her. So…he…BAPTIZES HIMSELF IN THE SCHOOL SWIMMING POOL. And that’s the END of the goddamned movie. The “underlying” message of this whole story is revealed in a scene in which Kelly Lynch asks her co-worker how you can check what websites your kids have been going to. Her co-worker says you can check the history, but that “a savvy internet user will just erase the history. Cover their tracks”. And Kelly Lynch responds “The internet is a scary place”. Not as scary, as the studio that makes Lifetime original movies, if you ask me.


I did some chores and went to yoga where I stood next to a tall skinny guy with a HUGE cock. How do I know he had a huge cock? Because he was wearing nothing but a Speedo. In our class, you are supposed to keep your eyes in the mirror so that you can constantly check and correct your posture. How I made it through the series, I don’t know. My eyes were constantly drawn to his ginormous bulge. Dude, I know you’re probably really proud of your humungous member, but some of us are trying to achieve enlightenment over here. PLEASE put on some shorts.


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