everyone can be a bigshot

I just wanted to transcribe the introductory paragraph(s) from the quarterly letter we send out to our clients here at my day job. Let me remind you of what I do so that you can fully understand the gravity of this letter. We manage individual investment portfolios. In other words, we help rich people get richer through the stock market. There are two owners of our company. One of them writes the quarterly newsletter designed to assuage any fears that our clients might have about fluctuations in the market or economy. He is, at least on the surface, a conservative man in both demeanor and politics. And with that in mind, read on:

“Help me, Rhonda. Hurtling through a blur of traffic like a misguided missile, why, tell me, is it that most taxicabs don't have seatbelts? It makes you feel as vulnerable as a mosquito contesting highway airspace with the grille of a Mack truck. After all, we live in a 'safety belt' society where warnings, precautions and advisories are as ubiquitous as a multitude of moose milling around Manitoba. Examples of today's ever present alerts would be:
WARNING: Flexible Flyer sleds have recorded very poor crash test results in collisions with sidewalk curbs.
WARNING: This space age toy include 5,254 parts, requires self-assembly and a 315-piece professional tool set. Batteries NOT included.
But there is a way to make decisions and live life free of being constantly 'on guard' for fear of making a mistake. Over the entrance to the public library is the inscription that 'knowledge will set you free'. And information is knowledge. Information brings understanding which in turn brings a sense of security or trust. It is that information about [Company Name] that we want to impart to our clients and prospects so that there is a knowledge of what we stand for and what we can be expected to deliver.”

Granted, by the end of that, I SORT OF understand what he's trying to say. But I'll be damned if a client can get past the first paragraph without thinking they are reading the ravings of a lunatic.