Hotter with a Beard: Corrections and Retractions

Oh noes! It was bad enough that Joaquin Phoenix lost his ever-loving, dyslexic mind and verbally abused reporters on the red carpet. But now he’s let it go to his beard. I still maintain that he looked cute the day he announced his retirement from male model-…er…acting. But he has neglected to do any beard maintenance or, say, bathing, since then and now he is pretty much indistinguishable from your average vagrant who raided the dumpster behind the Claire’s Boutique.

Look at those haunted eyes! He is one bottle of MD 20/20 away from hitting the rails for good. Perhaps he has already turned his Oscar into a crack pipe. It’s difficult to say. Regardless, he is off my hot list. He barely makes the Hobo Hot 100.

Thanks, dlisted!

January 1, 2009
Categories: Hollywood Side Show, Hotter with a Beard . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

Notter with a Beard: Jared Leto Edition

Lest you think me undiscerning, here’s someone whose appearance is NOT improved by a beard.

Jared Leto always looks ridiculous and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing he can do about it. Best of luck to you, Leto!

Bonus: Leto Mutilation Montage!

December 17, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show, Hotter with a Beard, YooToob . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Bye Bye Bettie

Bettie Page, the woman who launched 1000 bangs and defined the pinup girl, has died. As you might have guessed, we’re big fans of Bettie at my house and very sad to hear of her passing. Recently someone asked if we’d heard the news…that Bettie Page was still alive. It’s true that she hasn’t been in the media much since she quit modeling. We forget that in the old days, when a supermodel retired, that was it. They dropped out of the public eye and returned to normal lives. Nowadays she probably would have had a recording contract and a reality show and/or talk show to help drive her career into the ground. Instead, her iconic and untainted visage was burned into the collective consciousness forever.


It was tarnished only slightly, 3 years ago, when Mary Harron made that corny biopic. It was then that I first saw a picture of Octogenarian Bettie. She was still gorgeous (and still had her signature hair). Now that she’s gone, I hope someone is inspired to make a decent celluloid tribute to her life. But we’ll always have those amazing pictures…and Rockabilly chicks, to remember her by.

December 12, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

Hotter with a Beard: Hugh Jackman Edition

Once again, Lindy West has crawled inside my brain and perfectly summed up my feelings with utmost hilarity. She’s absolutely the funnier version of me. I guess that makes her my nemesis though I have no desire to defeat her and my fist-shaking in her general direction is minimal.

I have always felt this way about Hugh Jackman, ever since I saw him as Wolverine (perfectly cementing my longtime crush on that little hairy dude) and then as someone called Leopold. Bearded Hugh Jackman is the only Hugh Jackman worth lusting after. Bearded Hugh is grizzled and sexy. Clean-shaven Hugh is, well, really effeminate looking. And while some people really enjoy that look in a man, I am not one of them.

The beard is the thing. Moreso than any other actor I can think of. Or even any other PERSON. It’s a practically supernatural phenomenon. Hugh Jackman has a magic beard. It’s the only explanation.

November 21, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show, Hotter with a Beard . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Hotter with a Beard: Peter Sarsgaard Edition

In fact, both halves of the HaalGaards are looking mighty fetching. I wish I could have them over for a lovely old timey dinner party, even though it seems like Peter might keep insisting on asking everyone about their childhoods and relationships with their mothers.

November 11, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show, Hotter with a Beard . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 4 Comments

Poor Rebecca Romijn

Believe it or not, this woman is a model. Models are usually good at “modeling through it”. That is to say that even if they’ve been puking their guts out five minutes prior, they can still look amazing on camera. Rebecca Romijn is beautiful and I’ve always liked her. But you can tell by her eyes that she’s made some mistakes. That look that she is giving the camera says “I still can’t believe I actually married that jerkface, Jerry O’Connell. He was just a REBOUND from Stamos, and I let him put TWO damn future douchebabies in my belly. I have regrets, people. Regrets”.

November 7, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show . . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

Hotter With a Beard: Joaquin Phoenix Edition

Picture taken from a story about Joaquin’s announcement at a Paul Newman memorial that he is retiring from acting. I wonder if he said that he was pretty sure there is more to life than being a really really really ridiculously good actor and he plans on finding out what that is. I bet you didn’t even think he knew was a eugugolizer was.

October 29, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show, Hotter with a Beard . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

This Is Lipnicki

This kid never stops amusing. He’s apparently entered his Glamor Shots Cowboy phase:

lipnicki

Thx dlisted.

October 22, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

XXX Files Re-Opened

mulder slutDlisted reports that David Duchovny is, in fact, a skank and it was the old “Don’t divorce me for cheating” compromise that sent him to “rehab” after all. I know that the “sources” come from the National Enquirer and Us Weekly so there still aren’t any hard facts here. I want to believe that Mulder isn’t a manslut but it doesn’t make sense that a wifey as down-to-earth seeming as Tea Leoni would force him to do something so humiliating over a little web surfing. In this case, Scully’s Razor stands.

September 4, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Mulder is Not a Sex Addict

He just likes the porns. My very favorite entertainment blog, dlisted, reported that David Duchovny’s sex addiction (which, in my opinion, is generally code for “I cheated on my spouse but I don’t want a divorce”) is actually just an “addiction to internet porn”.

…

…

I’m still trying to take this seriously and not think about that ridiculous Christian propaganda TV movie, Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. It’s about a teenage boy who is “addicted” to (softcore, white bread) internet porn and it “tears his life apart”. I highly recommend seeking this movie out, by the way. It’s hilarious. Especially the locker room scene where his fellow teenage jocks are creeped out by him regaling them with tales of his porn escapades. Teenage boys creeped out by naked ladies! And it’s not even an all-boys military academy!

cyber seduction

Anywho…my new interpretation to this story is that one of their children, really excited about playing their Dora the Explorer computer game, accidentally walked in on daddy going through his XXX Files one too many times.

These things happen. The ordinary citizen probably wouldn’t seek “professional treatment” for such things. They would just make sure the kids were napping or the door was locked. But D.D. is high profile and different rules apply.

I’m just glad Mulder isn’t a total cheating ho.

September 2, 2008
Categories: Hollywood Side Show . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

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