Hotter with a Beard: Keanu Reeves Edition

I know I was a naysayer at first, but I guess his neck beard just had to flourish into this amazing gem of a hairdo. Full-bearded Keanu is my Oregon Country Fair wet dream. Keep up the good work, Keanu beard!

Hotter with a Beard: SXSW Edition

Thanks to beard prevalence, SXSW 09 was much sexier than in past years. 2009 is definitely the Year of the Beard.

Not a full beard, but it has potential. And a rock star to boot!

Beard vs. beard.

And a snazzy dresser!

Hands off, ladies. This one’s all mine.

Hotter with a Beard: Joshua Jackson Edition

He was clean shaven on Dawson’s Creek but on Fringe he is all scruff and girl, it works.

Joshua Jackson is a somewhat inexplicable longtime crush of mine. He’s not a terrific actor but he’s pretty good with the sarcastic quips and that’s how everyone spoke on Dawson’s Creek. He and Michelle Williams were the only ones who could deliver that contrived dialog without me wanting to punch them in the face. They were also the reasons I kept watching. (Well, that and all the awesome guest stars they kept bringing in). And now he’s 90% of the reason I keep watching Fringe. (The other 10% has to do with occasionally awesome gore effects.)

Hotter with a Beard: Ryan Gosling Edition

I never really got the Ryan Gosling “thing”. I tried to watch The Notebook and couldn’t finish it. It was just SO melodramatic. And both main characters seemed half retarded. It was like watching a remake of The Other Sister.

But he sure looks cute with a beard. And he seems like kind of a weird dude in real life, which I like. Also, there’s this.

Hotter with a Beard: Corrections and Retractions

Oh noes! It was bad enough that Joaquin Phoenix lost his ever-loving, dyslexic mind and verbally abused reporters on the red carpet. But now he’s let it go to his beard. I still maintain that he looked cute the day he announced his retirement from male model-…er…acting. But he has neglected to do any beard maintenance or, say, bathing, since then and now he is pretty much indistinguishable from your average vagrant who raided the dumpster behind the Claire’s Boutique.

Look at those haunted eyes! He is one bottle of MD 20/20 away from hitting the rails for good. Perhaps he has already turned his Oscar into a crack pipe. It’s difficult to say. Regardless, he is off my hot list. He barely makes the Hobo Hot 100.

Thanks, dlisted!

Notter with a Beard: Keanu Reeves Edition

You can debate his acting ability (seriously, it’s debatable) but you can’t deny the fact that Keanu Reeves is a handsome man. Most of the time. He’s aging well and doesn’t appear to be hitting the b-tox. But this beard is doing nothing for him.

If you have large patches of lower face which do not grow hair, you should probably not go for the full beard. Also, the neck shouldn’t have a beard. That’s called “neckbeard” and it’s not coo. Not coo at all.

Notter with a Beard: Jared Leto Edition

Lest you think me undiscerning, here’s someone whose appearance is NOT improved by a beard.

Jared Leto always looks ridiculous and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing he can do about it. Best of luck to you, Leto!

Bonus: Leto Mutilation Montage!

Hotter with a Beard: Jason Priestly Edition

His camp turn on Tru Calling rekindled my crush on Jason Priestly. And re-watching all the old Beverly Hills 90210 episodes on SoapNet reminds me how it started. He was hilarious on that show and the only character who was never annoying.

J.P. is hot with a beard, but he’s also adorable clean-shaven. He’s the one pin-up from that era whose popularity I really got. He had Wolverine hair before Hugh Jackman and Marcel cornered the market. And those side burns were something else.

I also recommend a hilarious little movie called Cold Blooded, written by Simpson’s writer and Wes Anderson’s BFF, Wallace Wolodarsky. Jason plays a bookie who discovers he has the loose morals needed to be a successful hit man. The killer cast also includes Robert Loggia, Janeane Garofalo and Michael J. Fox. It’s only available on VHS but it’s worth buying used or renting from your friendly neighborhood indie video store. Dust off that VCR and watch it.

Hotter with a Beard: Hugh Jackman Edition

Once again, Lindy West has crawled inside my brain and perfectly summed up my feelings with utmost hilarity. She’s absolutely the funnier version of me. I guess that makes her my nemesis though I have no desire to defeat her and my fist-shaking in her general direction is minimal.

I have always felt this way about Hugh Jackman, ever since I saw him as Wolverine (perfectly cementing my longtime crush on that little hairy dude) and then as someone called Leopold. Bearded Hugh Jackman is the only Hugh Jackman worth lusting after. Bearded Hugh is grizzled and sexy. Clean-shaven Hugh is, well, really effeminate looking. And while some people really enjoy that look in a man, I am not one of them.

The beard is the thing. Moreso than any other actor I can think of. Or even any other PERSON. It’s a practically supernatural phenomenon. Hugh Jackman has a magic beard. It’s the only explanation.

Hotter with a Beard: Peter Sarsgaard Edition

In fact, both halves of the HaalGaards are looking mighty fetching. I wish I could have them over for a lovely old timey dinner party, even though it seems like Peter might keep insisting on asking everyone about their childhoods and relationships with their mothers.