Film Threat Review: Perfect Hideout

2009
Un-rated
90 minutes
Zeitsprung Entertainment

**

Nick is a dim-witted, petty felon in the German crime biz. All he wants is to take his equally dim girlfriend, Celia, to the States for a fresh start. But it’s never that easy, is it? Before he leaves town, he must pay off some unseen crime boss with an undisclosed amount of money…or else! In a moment of desperation, Nick decides to rob a gas station and accidentally shoots a cop in the process. Now on the run from pretty much everybody, Nick and Celia decide to hide out in a mansion and take the owner, Victor von Hartenberg (Billy Zane!!!), hostage. Unbeknownst to them, Victor’s German accent is shoddy for a reason. Victor is not who he says and his family isn’t “just at dinner.” Now, under siege by a motley Special Forces Unit and trapped in a house with a madman, Nick and Celia begin to second-guess the safety of their “Perfect Hideout.”

With such a plot and the presence of Billy Zane, it’s difficult to imagine where they could go wrong. But wrong they went. Their biggest mistake was not marketing this thing as a crime thriller spoof because it is damned funny and I’m certain that was not their intension. Sure, there are lines that are clearly jokes (Nick and Celia’s constant bickering, for instance) and Zane hams it up like his name is Virginia. But when a Special Forces guy shouts things like, “It’ll be a massacre!” and “That’s madness,” I don’t think we’re supposed to laugh. It’s a shame too, because if director Stephen Manuel owned the inherent comedy in the script, he may have really had something. With a few dialog tweaks and a different directing style, we could have had the “Tropic Thunder” of crime thrillers.

By way of example, take this exchange between the arcane European Special Forces Officer who is now in charge and the inexplicably American Special Forces Officer who was formerly in charge. They are discussing the identity of the man they think Nick is holding hostage:

Euro Boy: Do you have any idea who this man is?!

G.I. Joe: An important private banker.

Euro Boy: …AND serious political heavyweight!

This, my friends, is comedy gold. But gems like this are squandered; as Manuel clearly thought he was making “Die Hard.” Like Gina Gershon in “Showgirls” before him, Billy Zane is the only one who knows what kind of movie he’s in, and decides to make the best of it. You know a movie is flawed when you desperately want the bad guy to win. Not the protagonist reluctant criminals mind you, but the absolute antagonist with no redeeming character value whatsoever. At best, “Perfect Hideout” is the Billy Zane Show. At worst, it’s a schizophrenic, silly pile of Eurotrash. If only Stephen Manuel had listened to his friend Billy Zane.

 

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

Film Threat Review: Hick Trek/Star Warp’d

The parody film is rarely necessary and the results almost never approach biting or witty satire. But there is obviously an audience for it somewhere. There must be. Otherwise they wouldn’t keep making those genre spoof films and Carmen Electra and all those celebrity impressionists would be out of work. In that way, the Schuermanns were ahead of their time. Their “double feature” DVD release actually contains four films, each with mercifully shorter running times.

2009
Rated G
92 minutes
ATOZ Films

*

Hick Trek: The Moovie (1999)

One year before the first “Scary Movie” was released, “Hick Trek” found its way onto tape. This slapdash mess of a Sci-Fi send-up utilizes cowboy pun naming conventions and redneck jokes in a completely ludicrous plot involving cats that want to destroy the universe. Captain Slim T. Jerk must battle the threat alongside Mr. Schlock, Horns McBoy and Sueyou. It’s as if Mad Magazine penned an extra long episode of “Hee-Haw.” Granted, the hick theme does lend itself to the low-budget props and shoddy effects. It would almost be cute if they were teenagers making a movie in their garage. But adults should know better. Still, I have to give them credit for one thing: The Trekkie references are slightly less on-the-nose than those in the J.J. Abrahms version.

Star Warp’d (2002)

After learning After Effects and stop motion animation, the Schuermanns returned with an ever-so-slightly less painful Sci-Fi spoof based in the Star Wars universe. They sling three painful episodes at us in rapid succession and then dangle the threat of a fourth over us so that we will never feel completely safe again. In Episode I, “The Fandom Menace,” the conceit is that a tear in the universe allows a mashup of iconic Sci-Fi characters to battle over something-or-other. The two main opposing forces are, of course, punny versions of Star Trek and Star Wars characters. Specifically, Dark Vapor (yeah, it’s a fart joke) vs. Captain Kwirk and Mr. Spuck. They do a good job with the near-score (making a copyright-free ripoff of John Williams’ classic strains) and the animation is decent for the caliber of filmmaking. But beyond that, it’s just as painful as their inaugural outing. 2001, X-files. E.T., Terminator, Predator and Robocop are all name-checked for no real reason other than they could be made out of clay. The result feels like a much less sophisticated precursor to Robot Chicken.

In Episode II: The Good, the Bad and the Ewoquies, the madness continues as Kwirk and Spuck must save the titular furballs from genocide. Episode III: Veni, Vidi, Vapor (I Came, I Saw, I Farted…Yes, the translation is part of the title…SIGH.) brings in a superfluous “Matrix” parody.

What really blows my mind here is that stop motion animation is not exactly easy to crank out. It’s a painstaking and lengthy process. That means the filmmakers had plenty of time to mull over each of their inane gags and they still decided to go with through with it. Fans of Mel Brooks’ more juvenile jokes and people with a lifetime subscription to “Cracked” may find something to love here. The rest of you should watch Robot Chicken’s Star Wars specials and continue to live in blissful ignorance of “Star Warp’d.”

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

NFT Radar: Osteria La Spiga

The beautifully decorated converted warehouse in which La Spiga resides, with its exposed beams and romantic lighting, will certainly make you think you’re in for a good meal. Depending on what you order, maybe you are. You may also be hugely disappointed. Either way, you’ll be paying out the nose. Around the time you’re ready to eat your own face, they’ll bring you some complimentary flat bread which is conveniently dry enough to persuade you to shell out an additional $4 (per condiment) for some olive oil and balsamic. Considering the price of an entree, these things should also be free. The Caprese salad, with its buttery fresh mozzarella and white balsamic, is delicious so long as you can score a little salt and pepper. They’ll try to talk you into the $35/person tasting menu, boasting its value. But it will be way more food than you need. Many of the pastas are decent, including the Gnocchi, but steer clear of the Tortelli Spinaci which tastes like it was boiled fresh from the freezer and plopped unseasoned onto your plate. Desserts are slightly less of a mixed bag but the Tortufu is basically just an $8 bowl of ice cream.


1429 12th St 98122
206-323-8881
www.laspiga.com

X-posted from Not For Tourists.

Film Threat Review: Lady Trojans

2008
Un-rated
58 minutes
Dime Western Productions

***

Catalina High School in Tuscon, Arizona wasn’t that much different than any other American high school in the 90’s. That’s what makes the true story of the Lady Trojans so universal. Anna Hesik was one of several lesbians on her basketball team who became involved in a complex web of love, sex, backstabbing, and rejection. This sort of drama is pretty typical of any group of teenagers. And “Lady Trojans,” which screened at this year’s QFest in Philadelphia, does a terrific job of showing how growing up gay isn’t much different from just plain growing up.

The story follows director Elizabeth Hesik’s sister, Anna, as she joins the basketball team, discovers her sexuality, and falls in love with a bit of a lothario named Quinn. However, “Lady Trojans” is not about basketball. The sport takes a backseat to relationships and sex both in the film and in the lives of the girls it portrays. Hesik uses home movies, interviews, and re-enactments to place the viewer right into the heart of the drama. At times it feels almost uncomfortably voyeuristic, as the girls apparently lived in front of their camcorder shooting slumber parties and choreographed dance routines. Regardless of your sexual orientation, it’s impossible not to recall your own mortifying memories while watching Anna reading some of the love poetry she wrote to exorcise her romantic demons.

The outfits, hair, and music exacerbate the cringe-worthiness, and serve to Delorean us straight back to the 90’s. Big shorts, big hair, and sports bras are the dominant garb of choice. Quinn dons a particularly impressive hi-top hairdo that would give Kid a run for his money. Anna’s Belinda-Carlisle-looking former best friend (who is not a lesbian) has the most embarrassing hair of all, which she admits was inspired by TV heartthrob Kirk Cameron.

The only real problem with the film is the re-enactments, which are based on Anna’s fictionalized account of events (the film is based on her short story). Shot in a blown-out, “Unsolved Mysteries” style, they play out like a bad episode of “Degrassi,” and that means bad. While they do help to change up the storytelling and fill in narrative blanks, the stiffness of the acting and over-expository dialog detracts from an otherwise raw and candid film.

By and large, however, “Lady Trojans” is a realistic and empathetic portrayal of teenagers attempting to figure out who they are. It’s also really refreshing to see a coming-of-gay tale that doesn’t result in violence and death.

 

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

I Miss Dave Chappelle

Most times, when an entertainer announces their retirement, they really mean, “Press please. PS: I am already planning my comeback.” But Dave Chappelle was never anything but sincere. So, unfortunately, after he revealed that he wouldn’t be returning to “Chappelle’s Show” and needed a break from the business of show, he all but disappeared.

Sure, he’s since popped up in a few places, namely “Inside the Actor’s Studio”. Unlike many guests who speak pretentiously of “the craft” and bask in James Lipton’s sycophantic line of questioning, Chappelle was completely himself. That is to say he was honest, open, humble and naturally hilarious. He spoke candidly about why he bailed. He was not made for corporate whoredom. He feared he was losing touch with the original intentions of the show. “The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself,” he lamented. “Especially when everybody is watching.”

About why he bailed to Africa, he explained, “Coming here I don’t have the distractions of fame. It quiets the ego down. I’m interested in the kind of person I’ve got to become. I want to be well rounded and the industry is a place of extremes. I want to be well balanced. I’ve got to check my intentions, man.”

How many famous entertainers are that introspective? Not fucking many.

On “Actor’s Studio”, he also talks about the money. He’d already made buckets of dough for “Chappelle’s Show” when the studio offered him a $55 million contract to continue cranking out the hits. That’s a lot of money. It may not sound like it in the context of television and film because we’re so used to enormous budgets and ridiculous salary wars. The rich and famous convince themselves they deserve it. But what the hell would the average, one-car, one-mortgage American do with that kind of cheddar? You could buy fancy toys, expensive dinners and completely lose touch with reality. Or you could cut out and recognize that you have an opportunity to do something that will help others and make them feel good. And that’s what Dave Chappelle did.

He’s not the first guy to use his money to help people. But he’s certainly one of the only famous people to do so without all the self-congratulatory smugness of, say, Bono.

I was really depressed the day I saw “Dave Chappelle’s Block Party”. I’d just been through a breakup and a career setback and was feeling pretty lost myself. But I cried tears of joy whilst watching that film. I left that theater completely uplifted. The premise is simple: Chappelle uses his own money and connections to throw the block party of a lifetime in a small Brooklyn neighborhood. He pads the bill with Kanye West, Mos Def, Erykah Badu, the Roots, and even manages to reunite the Fugees. Many of these acts are known for their egos. You could easily pay $100 to see any of them individually, but somehow, through his charisma and general goodness, Chappelle convinces them to perform for free.

Whilst preparing for the block party, Chappelle wanders around the small Ohio town where he lives, talking to the locals and inviting them to the show. He invites folks from all walks of life, from the old man who runs the menswear shop to the Ohio State University marching band. He also offers to pay for their transportation to the show. The result is an incredible melting pot of people celebrating life and music together. It’s not about money and it’s certainly not about fame and status. It’s just a big-assed party. It’s the closest anyone has ever come to recreating Woodstock (and not that corporate-branded bullshit from 1994, either). One day of peace and music.

This is why we need Dave Chappelle. There are those that don’t fully comprehend his significance. His recurring characters became clichés. The frat boys shouting, “I’m Rick James, bitch,” certainly contributed to his brief meltdown. But his comedy turned the mirror on American culture in a very accessible way. He poured a little sugar on those moral Cheerios. He was making Hollywood a better place. And then he left us.

I understand that he needed to get back in touch with himself. I’m glad he got out before he went crazy or lost sight of his goals. But I really hope he doesn’t stay away long.

Maybe if we all clap our hands and believe, we can bring Dave Chappelle back.

NFT Radar: Long Provincial Vietnamese Restaurant

The folks at Tamarind Tree bring their culinary badassery to downtown Seattle. The dark, gorgeous interior is cool and inviting. Little decorating delights are everywhere, including the bathroom. The fish tank is full of mesmerizing jellyfish. But the decor is just a bonus to the kick ass food. There’s some menu crossover from Tamarind, but there are loads of new dishes as well, inspired by regions all over Vietnam. “Long” could easily refer to the menu which is page after page of deliciousness. It’s times like this I’m extra happy to be a vegetarian. A “v” clearly marks all the veggie and make the overwhelming selection a little bit easier. Usually, I’m suspicious when a waiter says everything on the menu is a winner, but in this case it wasn’t lip service. Libation-wise, they serve exotic non-alcoholic Vietnamese drinks made from every juice you can think of, as well as the usual cocktails. The prices aren’t too bad either, and 2 daily happy hours make it even more affordable. It’s not often you find a place that can impress both your date and your parents, but Long does the trick.

1901 2nd Ave 98101
206-443-6266
www.longprovincial.com

X-posted from Not For Tourists.

Film Threat Review: Bergman Island

2000
Un-rated
83 minutes
Criterion Collection

***

Near the end of his life, the legendary Ingmar Bergman granted documentarian Marie Nyreröd several interviews from his home on Faro Island. He lived there in a sort of self-imposed exile. Indeed, there was much in his life that he needed to do penance for. He abandoned one of his wives (he had five total) and children and was arrested for tax evasion in 1976, which caused him to leave Sweden and live in Germany for a time. But it’s not so much his guilt that returned him to isolation on Faro Island, as it was the fact that he had nowhere else to go. He stuck to a ridged, almost prison-like schedule and seemed to be merely passing the time.

“Bergman Island,” completed in 2006 and now available from the Criterion Collection, is a wonderful treat for the Bergman super fan. Bergman reveals much about his inspiration. He speaks in-depth of his personal life, citing specific moments in his films as being completely autobiographical. For the uninitiated, it may be less compelling. It’s not very well organized, and occasionally recalls Grandpa’s rambling stories at Christmas. You know there are important bits in there, but it’s hard not to get impatient waiting for him to get to the point. These moments are especially potent during scenes in which he is wandering around his house, showing Nyreröd his belongings.

Additionally, for a man with so much drama in his life, the documentary itself isn’t very dramatic. This is due, in part, to the uninspired editing, likely resulting from the fact that the documentary was condensed from three hour-long television episodes. But Nyreröd’s passiveness throughout the interviews is also to blame. She occasionally asks follow-up questions, but only to keep him talking. She spends a good deal of time giggling. It’s clear she’s a fan and is unwilling to ask anything difficult, for fear of seeming disrespectful. It feels like there is a missed opportunity in her reverence.

Regardless of its flaws, a cineaste will certainly be pleased with “Bergman Island” Despite what it could have been, it is still a comprehensive look into one of the most revered filmmakers of all time.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

Hotter With a Beard: Trent Reznor Edition

I was wondering why Trent was no longer showing up on my Twitter feed. Apparently, he’s over it because some people were saying nasty things about his lady friend. He’s always been very sensitive. “Pretty Hate Machine” was one of my favorite albums as a teenager and when I re-discovered it a few years ago, I realized why. The lyrics were basically excerpts from my diary. Of course, I was a 16-year-old GIRL at the time, while he was 26. I still love that record to pieces though.

But the point is, while Trent is slipping on the tears you made him cry, he has also stopped shaving. And I dare say my favorite pocket-sized goth is looking pretty terrific.

What a wonderful, thick, blacker-than-the-blackest-black beard he has these days! I’m not quite as fond of the frumpy hoodie. But imagine how delicious he’d look in a clean, collared shirt (black, of course)! I never knew he had it in him. I always assumed his face was as smooth as Rosemary’s baby’s ass.

As usual, I have D-listed to thank for the pic.

NFT Radar: Village Sushi

Foodieism is unquestionably all the rage these days. Hipsters no longer flock to destinations for their on-tap PBR ironic decor, but for their wacky fusion dishes, local cheese selection and exotic meat offerings. Somewhere along the line, tater tots were replaced by foie gras. So that’s why it’s rather refreshing to find a place that just serves straight up, traditional genre cuisine and does it very well. Village Sushi doesn’t have any cleverly named house rolls. They just have the usual: Unagi, salmon nigiri, cucumber rolls, tempura, and everything you would expect a sushi restaurant to serve. It’s not fancy, but it’s perfectly executed and damned delicious. It doesn’t hurt that they have the most knowledgeable and enthusiastic sake sommelier I’ve ever met. She’ll ask you questions and pick the sake she thinks you’ll like the best. She’ll offer to let you sample her wares and she won’t try to talk you into the pricey stuff. If you like sushi, you will leave Village stuffed and satisfied and you won’t have dropped a lot of coin either. Sure trying new things is fun, but you gotta love the classics!

4741 12th Ave NE 98105
206-985-6870
www.villagesushi.com

X-posted from Not for Tourists.

Film Threat Review: Orphan

2009
Rated R
123 minutes
Dark Castle Entertainment

***

From Rhoda in “The Bad Seed” to Damien in the “Omen,” children have been some of the best villains. It’s partly due to the collective anxiety about parenting, but mostly it’s the idea that something so seemingly innocent and untainted as a child can hide evil intentions. We know adults tend to have agendas. But we have to take children at face value because if we don’t, it makes us assholes.

Kate (Vera Farmiga, in her second Evil Child film) and John Coleman (the rather terrific Peter Sarsgaard) already have two kids, but they still feel an ocean of emptiness after their third spawning attempt is stillborn. Their issues are exacerbated by affairs and Kate’s history of alcohol abuse, which led to their daughter’s deafness. Kate and John decide that the only way to repair this rift is to adopt and transfer the love they felt for their dead child to a live one. This is a poor reason for adoption, but it certainly doesn’t help when the one you pick turns out to be hella evil.

Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman, the goth Dakota Fanning) is a precocious orphan with a sinister Russian accent and a penchant for vintage dresses. The Colemans ignore all the warning signs, like knowing glances from nuns and the mysterious death of Esther’s former adopted parents, and decide that this little loner is the perfect Band-Aid for their family.

Though Esther always seems to be present when tragedy strikes, she is also a master manipulator. So when Kate begins to suspect their new prodigy of nefarious deeds, no one, least of all her husband, believes her. This all plays very well into Esther’s clandestine plan. And watching it unravel is great fun.

Kate is on her own to find out the truth about Esther’s origins before it’s too late. Meanwhile, Esther wreaks all kinds of awesome havoc whilst delivering badass one-liners with cold Russian inflection. The Coleman’s youngest, their deaf daughter Maxine (Aryana Engineer), also pulls off a marvelous, entirely wordless performance with wide, expressive eyes.

“Orphan” does employ a few horror clichés such as therapy exposition, cheap scares, and a hilarious Google search montage. And once the twist is revealed, the ending does drag on a bit. But, for the most part, Esther is an entertaining and solid addition to the Evil Child canon. There may be something wrong with Esther, but there’s nothing terribly wrong with “Orphan.”

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com.