2009
Rated G
127 minutes

**

What do you remember most about He-Man™? The scantily clad cartoons? The hodgepodge of literally-monikered villains like Beast Man™ and Mer Man™? That annoying and incompetent flying Jawa, Orko™? Personally, I remember the moral lessons at the end of every episode because they’re the reason my mom let…nay, insisted on me watching the show. In the 80’s, the babysitter in a box was born. And it did more than entertain. It taught kids lessons. Important lessons that parents didn’t have time to teach themselves. Things like cooperation, reserving judgment and consumerism.

Speaking of consumerism, what’s the best way to get a new generation interested in old toys? Why, a cartoon remake, of course. “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” was remounted in 2002 in order to promote a “new” line of Mattel He-Man™ toys. The producers claimed it was a “fresh take on the retro classic.” But it’s about as fresh as a box of Velveeta. Not much has changed. All the familiar characters are still here and as single-faceted as ever. I’m pretty sure it’s just about the money. That would explain all the trademarks on the DVD box.

The series starts out going back. Way back to when Skeletor™ was called Keldor and still had a face. He was defeated by Prince Adam’s™ father, scalded himself with some sort of mystical acid and banished behind an impenetrable wall. Ever since, he and his cronies have been trying to find a way back into Eternia™ so that they can, you know, rule the world and whatnot.

Flash-forward to present day, where young, wiry Prince Adam™ spars with Teela™ (minus the Tequila), his childhood friend and the daughter of Man-At-Arms™. She is basically kicking his ass and taunting him. And on his 16th birthday, no less. Clumsy, unreliable and a little dim, he’s pretty much a disappointment to everyone. That is, until Skeletor™ discovers a way to penetrate the impenetrable wall. It’s then that Man-At-Arms™ takes Prince Adam™ to Castle Greyskull™ and reveals his destiny. Even though the King already has a pretty decent security staff and plenty of specially-abled forces to protect his kingdom, and even though Teela™ is quite battle-savvy herself, the useless Prince has a destiny. Royalty never has to earn anything.

So anyway, the Sorceress who lives in the castle gives Prince Adam™ the Sword of Omens…I mean, the Power Sword™, and he’s transformed from a 90-pound weakling into The Most Powerful Man in the Universe™. Likewise, his enormous cowardly tiger is transformed into Battle Cat™. And thus, He-Man™ saves the day.

Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. So Prince Adam™ can’t tell anyone he’s He-Man™ and has to go on pretending he’s incompetent, lest he “put his loved ones in danger.” This line of reasoning makes sense in present day New York, but not as much in a magical land where Skeletor’s™ main target is the King, Prince Adam’s™ father. It seems like his loved ones are already in constant danger. But whatevs.

Those familiar with original show might find some novelty in seeing all the characters they remember. But that wears off quickly, right around the time Orko™ botches his bazillionth spell and makes a mess. The lessons are still present at the end of each episode, which would make my mother happy. In fact, the only really discernable difference between this series and the original is the hair. Gone is He-Man’s™ girly pageboy haircut, replaced with a nice, tousled shorter do. Also, the non-super Prince Adam™ remains skinny and useless, squeaking at everyone in his pre-pubescent timber and not so much suspiciously resembling the all-powerful beefcake, He-Man™. This certainly makes the secret identity hiding a bit more plausible.

Though plausibility is the least of the show’s problems. The plot lines are cliché. The battle one-liners are as cheesy as ever and the whole thing takes itself way too seriously. That’s really saying something for a program with a character named Ram Man™. If they hadn’t already, they lost me during the episode in which they attempted to make Orko™ seem relevant.

The DVD box set includes all 39 episodes of the series on 4 discs. If that’s not enough, you can delve further into 12 audio commentaries, interviews with artists and scripts for every episode. There’s also a PDF comic book for the un-produced 40th episode for people who just love to read on their television.

If you’re a kid, well, I have no idea if you’re going to like this reHe-Mangining (sorry). Kids are fickle. If I knew what kids wanted, I’d be a millionaire. I can, however, speak for adults. Particularly adults who grew up in the 80’s. And I’m sorry to say that even a couple pulls on your Tall Boy or puffs from your water pipe aren’t really going to make this an entertaining show. I’d suggest looking up the old show on YouTube. Or, better yet, getting the Thundercats DVD. That shit is HILARIOUS.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

October 29, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

2009
PG
95 minutes

****

Like every American girl, I had a hard time coming to terms with my hair. It’s profoundly straight. Couldn’t be any straighter. It laughs at a flattening iron as if to say, “Anything you can do, I can do better.” It didn’t help my self-esteem that my mother spent the first 12 years of my life trying to make my hair into something it wasn’t. I became very familiar with curling and crimping irons, hot rollers and overnight curlers. There were even a few perms in there. The thing is I probably wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong with my hair if my mother hadn’t been so adamant about trying to make it look “nice.”

It doesn’t appear that there has been any improvement in hair confidence for little girls. If anything, it’s gotten worse. When Chris Rock’s three-year-old daughter asked him “Daddy, why don’t I have good hair?” he was gobsmacked. How do you answer that question when the concept of “good hair” is so nebulous? Why isn’t the hair that nature gave you good enough? In the documentary, “Good Hair,” Rock enters the profoundly lucrative world of hair care in an attempt to answer his daughter’s loaded, near-heartbreaking question.

Rock narrows down the quest by honing in on the African-American hair world. What he finds is astounding. From conventions and styling competitions to the black market of weaves, there is big money (and celebrity) in hair care. He follows the four finalists in the Bronner Brothers Hair Show, as they prepare for their sensational circus-like performances cutting hair live on stage. He also traces the two most profitable products in African-American beautification back to their roots: Relaxer and weaves.

The key ingredient to Relaxer is sodium hydroxide, a highly toxic chemical that, when inhaled over long periods of time, causes permanent lung damage. You should see what the concentrated form does to a chicken breast and a soda can. Yet both men and women use it to straighten their hair. Once you start, it’s hard to stop. That’s why they call it “The Creamy Crack.”

Though it doesn’t have a street name, the weave is the biggest business of all. Women will pay upwards of $1000 to sew someone else’s hair onto their heads. They’ll forgo the rent so they can meet societal standards of beauty. The beauty industry isn’t the only one profiting from it either. Human hair is India’s largest export, garnered from a common sacrificial ritual in the Hindu church.

In addition to the socio-economic impact, “Good Hair” also explores how hair care affects the African-American community in confidence (both personal and race-related), romantic relationships and every day life. Celebrities like Ice-T, Salt n’ Peppa, Maya Angelou and Rev. Al Sharpton hilariously weigh in on this complex and clandestine business.

And you need the jokes because without them, the whole thing is kind of a tragedy. Maya Angelou points out that, “Hair is a woman’s glory. You share it with your family. You breed it.” But very few seem to abide by that philosophy. Chris Rock interviews a group of high school girls, most of whom have weaves, who explain that a woman just won’t be taken seriously in a job interview if they walk in with an afro. A little girl, who admits she hates having her hair relaxed, says that she thinks everyone should still go through with it because “you’re supposed to.” It’s not just women that feel the pressure. Ice-T and, more famously, Al Sharpton both succumbed to the Creamy Crack.

Though the film focuses on African-American hair, the theme is universal. While African-American women pay thousands of dollars to make their hair straighter and lighter, us crackers (or at least our mothers) are trying to make our hair curlier and bouncier. The hair is always prettier on the other side. I did finally embrace my straight hair and found a natural style that works for me. But that doesn’t mean I’m a free spirit. Just ask my box of hair dye.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct). 

October 21, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

2009
PG-13
111 minutes

***

At first, I thought “Whip It” was a misleading title. In light of the the fast-paced, smash-happy trailers, they would have you believe that it’s all about hardcore chicks beating the crap out of each other and partying hard. But the film’s actually about relationships. Not the hip relationship between Ellen Page’s character, Bliss, and her Urban Outfitters boyfriend, but real relationships: the kind that real teenagers have with their best friends when they’ve been close forever and can hardly imagine a life apart, the sort of tempestuous interactions that only a teenage girl can have with her mother and that a girl feels when her father chooses to play Switzerland in life-or-death social matters. Don’t worry, fellas. There are still plenty of hot babes on roller skates. But those skates also serve as vehicles for a fairly realistic and rather poignant coming-of-age story.

Ellen Page plays Bliss, a 17-year-old girl in a small Texas town who is starting to grow tired of being her mother’s dress-up doll in local beauty pageants. When she’s not going through the motions with the debutants, she works alongside her best friend, Pash (“Arrested Development’s” Alia Shawkat) at a BBQ joint, counting down the days till she can get the hell out of town. One day, while shoe shopping in Austen with her mother and sister, she encounters a carefree group of Roller Derby girls and is immediately smitten. After she and Pash attend a game, Bliss decides to try out for an opening on underdog team, the Hurl Scouts. She’s clumsy but fast and somehow manages to make the cut. So yeah, there’s a bit of the underdog story you expect, complete with progress montage and hipster soundtrack. But there’s also much, much more.

I did not expect to like this movie. Ellen Page is generally a one-dimensional actress who tends to rely on her forehead to convey emotions. But she was surrounded by an able-bodied supporting cast and given such terrific material. I barely noticed her puppy-dog pout. Kristen Wiig, always hilarious, is very effective as the unexpected voice of reason. Marcia Gay Harden and Daniel Stern put in empathetic performances as Bliss’ multi-layered parents. Alia Shawkat (who would have made a better lead) steals her scenes with the jokes and drama alike.

There are a lot of surprises in “Whip It.” Just when you think you know where it’s going, they throw in a curve ball. Bliss’ pageant-obsessed mother is not a stereotypical former debutante and housewife. She works hard at her job and simply wants her daughter to have success the only way she knows how. Bliss does fall for a cute boy, but her story never becomes about the boy. He’s incidental in her quest for independence. Bliss has a lot of lies to juggle and you know that they will all blow up eventually, but the way it plays out is unexpected. The villainous Iron Maiven (Juliette Lewis), from rival team, The Holy Rollers, is not purely evil. Though she makes things hard for Bliss, she still follows a sort of Roller Girl Code. Even the outcomes of the games are never certain. Things are not black and white here. Like the bruises the girls don as badges of honor, everything is in full, brutal color.

The more I think about it, I can see how the title fits. “Whip It” doesn’t just refer to whipping around the track or whipping ass. It’s about a girl who must whip herself into shape and grow up. It sounds trite as a tag line, but when Bliss learns to be her own hero, she becomes a better person. Not just a literal and metaphorical ass-kicker, but also a mature young lady who sees her parents as human beings rather than oppressive wardens. This is a movie that every teenage girl needs to see. Well done, Drew Barrymore. I really didn’t know you had it in you. Also, thanks for sticking to the sidelines, acting-wise. That really helped.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com.

October 3, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

2009 
Rated R
108 minutes

****

Prolific and varied best describes Steven Soderbergh’s career. “Sex, Lies and Videotape,” “Out of Sight” and “The Limey” are all compelling character pieces. “Traffic” and “Erin Brockovich” are preachy Oscar-pandering (but hey, it worked) and the “Oceans” movies are gimmicky commercial fare. “The Informant!” falls in line with his character-driven early work. It’s not a perfect film, but it’s definitely the Soder-side I prefer.

Matt Damon proves once again that he was the more talented of the Beantown Twins. He’s virtually unrecognizable in the role of whistle blower, Mark Whitacre, and it’s not because he “bravely” gained weight for the part (though I’m sure the Academy is salivating at gesture). You can still recognize the matinee idol underneath the chub, but he’s pulling off something that few of his contemporaries are capable of. He buries the celebrity persona deep inside the character, in this case, the mind of a manic-depressive mid-western geek who fancies himself a secret agent.

“The Informant!” is the true-ish story of a scientist-turned-executive working for an agribusiness firm that makes corn additives for foods. Whitacre becomes involved with the FBI when he reveals that his company has been involved in price-fixing. He is suspiciously cooperative when they ask him to wear a wire. Before long, Whitacre’s enthusiasm takes over. He fancies himself a character in a John Grisham novel. The spy-music score echoes the fantasies that Whitacre weaves in his head. Eventually, we learn that his self-delusion goes deeper than anyone had ever imagined.

I love an unreliable narrator, and Mark Whitacre’s voiceover is about as unreliable as they come, thus eliminating the usual trappings, such as tedious over-exposition. His narration is more stream-of-consciousness than informational. Most of the time, his thoughts are only loosely connected to what’s happening around him. His brain spouts factoids about animals and comes up with ideas for TV shows when he’s in the middle of a conversation. So when he repeatedly tells the FBI agents “There’s something I haven’t told you guys,” the revelations are as much a surprise to the audience as they are to the other characters. This keeps things interesting in what could have easily been a dry corporate corruption story. There is a definite Coen Brothers-esque lightness to the whole thing.

The supporting cast is also excellent. It’s refreshing to see Melanie Lynskey returning to the meatier fare that launched her career. Scott Bakula, Joel McHale and Thomas F. Wilson (Biff!) also turn in terrific performances. Where the film suffers is in the editing. The story feels a bit repetitive at times and could have been tightened up. The retro titles and music are an interesting but not entirely appropriate choice for a film that begins in 1992. Many of the jokes work, but occasionally, they are just a little too cutesy for their own good. For the most part, however, “The Informant!” earns the charisma that the title’s exclamation point implies.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com.

September 18, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

2009
Rated R
95 minutes

*

In these trying times, it’s difficult to say what the world needs. But I can tell you what the world didn’t need. And that is a little film called “Baby on Board.” I suspect the pitch meeting went a little something like this: “It’s ‘Baby Boom’ as directed by the Farrelly Brothers. A successful businesswoman accidentally gets knocked up. It’s something the ladies can relate to but we also throw in that D.J. from ‘Northern Exposure’ to make lots of poon jokes so the dudes don’t get bored.” Green means go!!

Heather Graham plays Angela, the businesswoman in question who must impress her hardass boss (the barely recognizable Lara Flynn Boyle, puffy in the face and nowhere else), by selling a perfume for pregnant ladies to the Japanese. Angela’s husband, Curtis (Jerry O’Connell), is a lawyer with a guilty streak regarding his knack for finding the loopholes in pre-nups. He really wants to start a family but Angela isn’t sure she’s ready. Her best friend Sylvia’s kids are assholes. (What if her kids are assholes?) Plus, she might have a very successful perfume career ahead of her if only she could stop farting and ruining presentations.

Meanwhile, Curtis’ best friend, Danny (husband to Sylvia), is going through the ultimate mid-life crisis – in that he can’t stop getting blowjobs from hookers. He’s not apologetic, and he doesn’t make any attempts to hide it from his wife. He also tries to coerce Curtis into the whole hooker/blowjob scene whenever possible. I take it Danny is supposed to be the comic relief, but most of his jokes involve telling his wife she’s ugly and unfuckable and he would rather get it from a prostitute. That’s more mean than funny.

Things get really hairy when Angels discovers she’s pregnant just as she begins to suspect Curtis of cheating on her with a client. Astute viewers may have seen this coming because Angela can’t stop farting or puking. She does both constantly, leading one to conclude that the writers, never having met a real pregnant lady, did all their script research on Yahoo Answers. To further complicate matters, Curtis decides Angela must have cheated on him because he has been “double bagging” so there’s no way that baby is his. They have a Three’s Company argument in which neither party actually says what’s bothering them, leading them to assume the worst. What follows is a madcap series of misunderstandings. Will these two ever work it out? What about those other two? Whatever! Probably!

In a nutshell, this is what we can learn from “Baby on Board”: All men are pigs and all women are crazy because they spend all their time wondering if their pig husbands are cheating on them. Half the time, they’re right. But it’s only because some men don’t know how to express love. Also, when you’re pregnant, you fart and puke a lot, but it’s still possible to hold down a job. There. I just saved you 95 minutes of your life. Time enough to get a blowjob from a prostitute! You’re welcome.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

September 11, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

2009
Un-rated
12 minutes

*

“Reunion,” which tells what the lives of those lost during the Columbine tragedy might have been like, is eye-rollingly corny. I’m sorry, dudes. It is.

This is the sort of movie review that makes people think I have a big black hole of hate where my heart should be. I promise I don’t. What happened at Columbine was indeed horrific, and I’m absolutely not belittling that tragedy. It’s terrible when anyone dies, let alone young people with their whole lives ahead of them. But “Reunion,” which tells what the lives of those lost might have been like had they not been snuffed out on that fateful day, is eye-rollingly corny. I’m sorry, dudes. It is.

With the gimmick of a 10-year high school reunion, the film is (mercifully, I suspect) sparse on dialogue and uses flashbacks set to music to show the alternate future/past that the 13 victims would have had. Mislaid careers include a pilot, a biologist, a famous singer, and a novelist. Apparently, everyone would have been very successful, the Columbine shooting being the only thing standing in the way of a full and happy existence for all. Hilariously, in this idealized version of events, the teacher who was killed would have spent a couple more years inspiring students and then still dying before the 10 year mark. Maybe he had a terminal disease that I’m unaware of but, if not, it’s a strange choice for an otherwise rosy-colored parallel universe. And then the reveal we all knew was coming: None of this happened. These people are all dead because two jerks decided to play “Doom” with real guns.

The heavy-handedness and cheese with which “Reunion” illustrates this point makes it feel more like a report on “Inside Edition” than a tribute film. We all know it was an awful day. The victims were cheated out of a future and the rest were left to try and make sense of a senseless act. It never should have happened. But why revisit it in such a trite way? If you don’t have anything insightful to say, why say anything at all? Leave the dead to rest in peace.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

August 31, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

2009
Un-rated
90 minutes
Freak Show Entertainment

***

There’s no question about what director Joseph Guzman was going for with “Run! Bitch Run!” He aimed to make a 70’s-style sexploitation film and that’s precisely what he accomplished. Quentin Tarantino and Rob Zombie would be proud. If sex (well, mostly rape), drugs, and constant bleeding aren’t your bag, you’d best stay the hell away from this film. If you like a bit of the ultraviolence, however, read on.

“Run! Bitch Run!” follows two Catholic teenagers who are on a mission to sell religious paraphernalia and raise money for their school. It’s not a bad idea, actually. If anyone’s going to sell bibles to heathens, it’s young girls in a shorter-than-regulation plaid skirt. In true Catholic schoolgirl fashion, one of them is just a little slutty. Unfortunately, the townspeople of Mosely (a tribute to Bill, perhaps?) don’t see it that way. The girls are met with profanity, slammed doors, shotguns, and a punk kid who rips them off. And those are the nice folk. Their persistence is punished when they knock on the door of Lobo’s brothel just as he’s blowing a hole into the head of a disobedient whore. What happens to them next is bloodier and more sinister than the brimstoneiest pages in the Old Testament.

Rest assured, as the poster indicates, there’s also payback. Hell hath no fury like a Catholic schoolgirl disillusioned. But before the payback, there is MUCH scorn. Lobo isn’t the only bad wolf in the den. There’s also Marla, a whore with an insatiable libido and a nasty habit of killing her customers, and Clint, a meek but violent lackey. Marla also has a bit of a Lady MacBeth complex. It seems these three have seen “The Devil’s Rejects” one too many times.

Speaking of, fans of Rob Zombie’s work might notice a few convenient parallels (“Run rabbit, run,” anyone?), but it’s not an overt rip-off by any means. “House of 1000 Corpses” and “Devil’s Rejects” are more of an homage to films of that era, while “Run, Bitch Run!” could easily be mistaken as the real deal. Guzman and Robert James Hayes aren’t quite as effective as Zombie at writing compelling evil characters or memorable dialog, but that actually gives “Run! Bitch Run!” more authenticity. You’ll never find yourself endeared to Marla and Lobo as you might Baby or Captain Spalding. Thus, the revenge portion of the narrative is all the more satisfying. The gore effects are terrific and there’s good use of pacing, which is key in a story with so many rape and torture scenes. The cinematography also deserves a mention as they’ve deftly captured the lovely, warm, 70’s film look. “Run! Bitch Run!” may not be a repeat-viewer, but it’s absolutely worth a first look.

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

August 27, 2009
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: filmthreat . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment