Hard Times

Yep, we’re in a depression. And I am freelancing so that means that while I am basically just making lunch money, I am making too much money to qualify for unemployment. So I keep the house clean and I cook dinner every night to try and earn my keep. I’ve always been a quasi-feminist so I never had designs to become a full time housewife. But my husband is the only person who will hire me right now so that is what I am. If we had children, I wouldn’t mind so much. I would feel like I was at least contributing to the development of the future of the human race. But we have only cats. I’m trying not to get too depressed about it.

I’m also trying to not be such a financial drain on my wonderful, patient, hard-working and fortunately still gainfully employed husband. So I’ve made a decision. It’s a small gesture in the grand scheme of things but a pretty huge one in my world. But I feel it’s an important one. I’ve decided to stop cranking up the thermostat. I will put on a damn sweater and socks. I may even invest in a snuggie. Energy isn’t cheap. And as long as I am barely contributing monetarily to the family pot, I should stop being so indulgent.

America’s Next Top Production Assistant

My dream last night was obviously influenced by what I was watching before bed.

In it, I was a P.A. on America’s Next Top Model. I’d just finished fetching a runaway raft, a prop in the photo shoot of the day, in a slimy body of water. When I got back, Tyra called a dinner break and everyone went off to eat.

She took me aside and said that, as a reward for my dedicated work, she was going to give me the chance of a lifetime. I was to give one of the models a haircut and make a set of cloth boots using some light pink plaid fabric (remarkably similar to the color of the tacky-ass limo the girls rode in on the actual show this week). If I did everything right, I would get a promotion. She didn’t say what would happen if I screwed up but I knew it meant I was canned.

I tried to calmly explain to my crazy, whimsical boss that I’d never cut anyone’s hair before and I’d only ever sewed buttons. These boots looked remarkably complicated. They had several seams and straps. Tyra said not to worry. She’d done the first boot for me. I just needed to copy the finished product. As for the haircut, she found a magazine picture for me to copy. NO PROBLEM! Any idiot could do this. Well, crap.

The model whose hair I was cutting and whose boots I was sewing had been on two other cycles. She was a very sweet girl so I was thankful it was her. But that was the very reason (besides getting the axe) that I didn’t want to screw up. I sat down to dinner with the models and contemplated my fate over pizza.

One of the other models, who also happened to be film and television actor Alan Tudyk, saw the worry in my face and asked me what the problem was. I told him my plight. He offered me some help. He also worked at Scarecrow Video. I should come to his store that evening and he would rent me a movie which would give me the knowledge I need to successfully complete the job.

Flash forward. I made my way through the store looking for Alan. On my way, I saw a copy of Trainspotting. I hadn’t seen it in a long time and felt it was time to give it another viewing. I saw Alan at the back of the store and approached. He told me to wait there. A few minuted later, he returned with an unlabeled VHS tape. Fortunately, I thought, I still have a VCR. (This is true). I paid the man for the two movies, thanked him, and was on my way.

It was then that I awoke, so I have no idea what was on the video tape or whether or not I completed the tasks to Tyra’s satisfaction. But I do know I felt pretty confident when I left the store.