Hard Candy

Dom and I saw the premiere of “Hard Candy” last night at the Cinerama. Dom was on the Lion's Gate guest list because, in case you didn't know, he's a really big deal.

Anyway, I really liked the movie. The script was smart and engaging. The constant close-ups lended themselves to a nice, claustrophobic feel (and luckily, the two leads were pretty, so it was nice to be so well acquainted with their faces). One was left questioning where their sympathies lay. Although, in this case, I think that we weren't really meant to empathize with either character, particularly.

What I don't get is all the hype about the movie being “so messed up”. As we were leaving the theatre, I heard people commenting on how “disturbing” and “unsettling” and “dark” it was. Even the producer introduced the movie by thanking Paul Allen for taking a chance on a movie about which “nothing was safe”. Come ON. I can't help but feel that the people who were so disturbed by this movie generally consider, say, “American Beauty” to be as much cinematic darkness as they can stand. And I'm not even talking about people who don't watch horror movies. There are plenty of dramas out there with a much darker view of the human condition. They clearly have never seen anything by Mike Leigh, Roman Polanski or Werner Herzog to name a few. I realise that those films aren't necessarily mainstream, but from the conversations I overheard last night, a lot of the audience considered themselves movie buffs and shouldn't have been so easily shakable.

Baffling.

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drum flier

My ultimate fantasy right now is to take the Toshiba printer we have at the office out into a field, a la Office Space and kick the living shit out of it. I have cleared at LEAST 100 paper jams out of it in the last two days. This thing has actually been the bane of my existence for 2 years now. I think it's safe to say that we hate each other.

title or description

I just heard the misfeed beep again but for now I'm going to ignore it. I need 5 minutes or I may not be responsible for what I do.

Bart Schwartz

1) What is the most useless thing you have in your wallet?
My LOOOONG expired international student ID which I just keep around because I like the picture.

2) If you were sent on assignment to rate the ten best small towns in America, what particular criterion would be most important to you?
No racism and the presence of a nice dive bar.

3) You've been invited to mud wrestle anyone in the world. Who are you going to wrestle? And who will win?
Angela Bassett circa “Strange Days”. And I would LET her win.

4) You're working on a national advertising campaign to get people to eat more ice cream. What will your campaign slogan be?
Fuck Ice Cream!

5) If something other than a cuckoo could pop out of a clock to announce the time, what would you want it to be?
Dildo.

6) Speaking of whistles, can you whistle?
Occasionally, I make an accidental whistling noise but it is in no way melodic.

7) Sometimes whistles blow to warn us or get our attention. When would you most like to have a whistle blow to alert you?
When some asshole in an SUV is going to run through the crosswalk rather than let me go.

8) We're all familiar with frequent flyer programs. Suppose there was a similar program to reward you for something else you do frequently in your life. What would it be?
Frequent Karaoke.

9) If the temperature had to be the same on every day of the year, what would you want it to be?
80. But specifically Northwest 80, meaning it would be cool in the shade and not humid unless it was actually raining.

10) Do you ever check the payphone, or vending machines, for change in the return slot?
Nope.

11) Would you be happier if your teeth were whiter? Have you ever used, do you use, those white strips?
I don't think I would necessarily be HAPPIER if they were whiter. But yes, I do use a whitening system and whitening toothpaste. My teeth are tea-stained.

12) What is the most memorable April Fool's joke that either you've ever played on someone, or someone has played on you?
I hate April Fools. It's a pointless day. No one has ever played a joke on my that was in any way clever or memorable on this day. My co-workers like to play silly tricks on each other throughout the year, but thankfully I am not privvy to such things.

13) How many times have you locked your keys in the car, and the car was running?
Never.

14) Let's say that you've just been photographed right at this very moment. Take a look around you, and tell us what 'easter egg' is in the photograph that is the most subtle clue, yet will give us the most information about you, when we find it of course.
My Godzilla calendar?

lose loose we ght

WEEKEND RECAP

FRIDAY

It was Ladies Night. Unfortunately, my lady friends and I aren’t particularly girly, so we were somewhat at a loss as to what to do with ourselves. Our travels took us to the Honey Hole (perfect name for a girl’s night kick-off bar), Barca (where we were waited on by a bitchy waitress), R Place (where we attempted to find some fun 80’s music to dance to, but were met only with obscure hip-hop) and finally, the Kincora, (where we realized we were far too drunk to be awake for much longer). It’s a shame too, because the DJ was spinning some very good music. Must remember to go back to the Kincora when less drunk and tired.

Faye also took some pretty cool high-concept pictures involving me and Elyse vomiting rope lights.

SATURDAY

I went to look at a bike that was advertised on Craig’s List. I need something to get me to and from yoga in a timely fashion. The price was right on this one. Also, it was apparently designed for shorties such as myself. Barring any major issues with the thing, I knew I was going to buy it. The other person who knew I was going to buy it was the hard-assed British lady who was selling it. Consequently, she didn’t budge one inch on the price. Furthermore, she made me give her all my cash AND all of Brugos’ cash, only allowing me to write her a check for the remainder. Damn, lady.

Brugos kindly drove me home with my new bike, and then went with me to purchase a helmet and lock. Another seasoned salesman sold me my helmet, which is pink and futuristic looking. I went with pink because there is NO WAY I’m going to look even remotely cool on a bike anyway, so I might as well spice up my life with some color.

He also sold me a wire combination lock. Elyse had previously warned me against buying a wire lock, but the sales dude, being the pro that he is, asked me a few questions about the bike and where I would be riding it, and determined that there was no way a thief was going to go after my Dodge Darty piece of crap, when they could have the Rolls Royce of bikes that is sitting right next to it. Being one who avoids confrontation at all costs and hates shopping anyway, I took his advice and bought whatever he shoved into my naïve little hands.

Brugos and I then met Faye, Borg, Dom and Ben at the Metro for a showing of “Slither”. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t run into my nemesis, Fan Boy. I hope he didn’t get sacked. He’ll never move out of his mom’s basement that way.

“Slither” was aight. Not awesome. Not terrible. Nathan Fillion helped.

After a quick stop at the Comic’s Dungeon, the gang left me and Brugos to tool around until the party at the House of Fun. Much DDR happened at the aptly named House. DDR skills, it turns out, are not improved by bong hits.

SUNDAY

Despite allowing themselves a 3-hour time window, the IKEA people delivered my new “bed” right at 11:15. Faye and I had planned to watch “The Island” while we waited for my delivery, so we carried on with the plan anyway. We regretted that we weren’t watching the movie during a plausible drinking time, since an “Island” drinking game soon revealed itself. If anybody out there hasn’t yet seen the movie (since I can’t imagine anyone wanting to watch it AGAIN), remember these rules:

-Drink every time ScarJo or EwMc ask a “What’s (something very common in normal human society)?” question.
-Drink every time anyone says the following: “Go!”, “Run!” “Look out!”

That should get you well on the way to Drunky Town.

After the movie, Faye helped me reorganize the apartment. Realising how much utter CRAP I have sent me down a deep shame spiral. It didn’t help matters that most of it was covered in a two-years thick layer of dust. I am gross.

Later, Faye made me dinner and we fast forwarded through “The Boogyman”. Unlike AvP, watching it in French didn’t help. It’s just a REALLY BORING movie. If you ask me, it takes a lot of misused talent to make a movie about people dying BORING.

I now live in a bedroom that, as Faye commented, resembles the studio apartment of a conspiracy theorist. My frameless mattress sits on a floor in the corner, like a little rats nest. I didn’t realize how many bookshelves I had until they all came out of the closets and lined the walls of my bedroom. If there are any mediaphiles out there who have advice on how to organize your books and CD’s in a way that doesn’t look manic, please share.