Bart Schwartz

1) What is the most useless thing you have in your wallet?
My LOOOONG expired international student ID which I just keep around because I like the picture.

2) If you were sent on assignment to rate the ten best small towns in America, what particular criterion would be most important to you?
No racism and the presence of a nice dive bar.

3) You've been invited to mud wrestle anyone in the world. Who are you going to wrestle? And who will win?
Angela Bassett circa “Strange Days”. And I would LET her win.

4) You're working on a national advertising campaign to get people to eat more ice cream. What will your campaign slogan be?
Fuck Ice Cream!

5) If something other than a cuckoo could pop out of a clock to announce the time, what would you want it to be?

6) Speaking of whistles, can you whistle?
Occasionally, I make an accidental whistling noise but it is in no way melodic.

7) Sometimes whistles blow to warn us or get our attention. When would you most like to have a whistle blow to alert you?
When some asshole in an SUV is going to run through the crosswalk rather than let me go.

8) We're all familiar with frequent flyer programs. Suppose there was a similar program to reward you for something else you do frequently in your life. What would it be?
Frequent Karaoke.

9) If the temperature had to be the same on every day of the year, what would you want it to be?
80. But specifically Northwest 80, meaning it would be cool in the shade and not humid unless it was actually raining.

10) Do you ever check the payphone, or vending machines, for change in the return slot?

11) Would you be happier if your teeth were whiter? Have you ever used, do you use, those white strips?
I don't think I would necessarily be HAPPIER if they were whiter. But yes, I do use a whitening system and whitening toothpaste. My teeth are tea-stained.

12) What is the most memorable April Fool's joke that either you've ever played on someone, or someone has played on you?
I hate April Fools. It's a pointless day. No one has ever played a joke on my that was in any way clever or memorable on this day. My co-workers like to play silly tricks on each other throughout the year, but thankfully I am not privvy to such things.

13) How many times have you locked your keys in the car, and the car was running?

14) Let's say that you've just been photographed right at this very moment. Take a look around you, and tell us what 'easter egg' is in the photograph that is the most subtle clue, yet will give us the most information about you, when we find it of course.
My Godzilla calendar?