perky uncommitted



It was the night of the Mandatory Holiday Office Party for my company. I was kind of dreading it based on how much I LOOOOOVE spending every day of my life with my co-workers. But it turned out to be not so bad. For one thing, free food and drink. The free drink started at the office at 4pm, when we closed up shop early and had our white elephant exchange. I scored a frog candle holder wherein the frog looks like he’s deep-throating the candle. Awesome.
And then came the food, which was not just ANY food but Canlis food. (LINK) Canlis is this UBER fancy restaurant off of 99. I’m talking dress-code, $28-75-entrees, 3-different-waiters-for-your-table fancy. Needless to say, I have never been to a place like that and was interested to see what it would be like. First of all, it was really weird to be treated so well by restaurant staff. They treat each customer like a celebrity, opening your car door for you as you pull up, holding the doors open for you, checking your coat at the door, and just generally being extremely polite and accommodating at every turn. I have nice waiters, sure. But this went above and beyond. Obviously, I’m sure they were looking for hefty tips, but since I wasn’t the one who would be tipping, I wasn’t sweating it. Second, even though they had a very small vegetarian selection, and I pretty much had to each side-dishes for my meal, the food was INCREDIBLE. Orgasmic, even. I had the most AMAZING mushrooms and “truffle” fries. And my $9 salad was pretty much the most delicious salad I have ever eaten. For dessert, we all ordered different things and passed them around. Every single dessert was incredible. Meanwhile, we went through 3 bottles of wine and beer after beer (Chimay). I can’t really even hazard a guess as to what the bill came out to, but I’m sure if I’d been responsible for it, I would have developed an instantaneous ulcer. But I wasn’t, so I just enjoyed the ride. The company wasn’t too bad either. Everyone was getting HAMMERED and being very complimentary. Boss Man started telling me about how he wished that weed was legalized. The BIG Guy gave a speech that brought him to nigh on tears, wherein he told us all that he couldn’t have been happier to work with each and every one of us (and he went around the table addressing each person and saying why they are important to the company), and that we have a tremendously bright future ahead of us. Of course, I get a little uncomfortable whenever anyone talks about the future of the company in my presence because I’m not planning my future WITH the company, but it was nice to be appreciated. Even Lil D wasn’t getting on my nerves TOO bad. She’s very happy when she’s being pampered. The Other One and I started talking about the Alien series and the waiter overheard our conversation and joined in briefly, agreeing that 4 was unnecessary, as he poured me who-the-fuck-knows what number glass of wine.

After dinner, we decided to go to Lelani Lanes for karaoke because we thought we had a good chance of getting a table for 10 people there. So we got in two cars (probably not a good idea at that point, in retrospect), and drove, in semi-formal wear, to a Greenlake Dive Bar/Bowling Alley.

Once there, some people settled in quickly and others didn’t. Of course, Lil’ D wasn’t too happy to be “slumming it”, and the ones who didn’t want to sing were skeptical at first, but those folks got some drinks and went to bowl, while the rest of us started picking songs. Lil’ D, surprisingly, loves karaoke, but of course, she was complaining about the song selection. Not enough Black Eyes Peas for her taste, I’m sure. Boss Man, The Other One and I were all into it. The Two Ladies from Portland didn’t want to sing, but they were down to hang out with us. And it’s here where my Grinchlike heart began to melt. Turns out, I have some very important allies in The Two Ladies. The one who is, in some ways, the boss of Boss Man, I have to thank for two things: First, apparently, she yelled at Boss Man for over an hour back in the day when he’d told me he wouldn’t have hired me in retrospect, and I decided to quit. When he told her what he’d said, she called him a “fucking idiot” and told him he should be giving me a raise, not insulting me. So, eventually, he did give me a raise and I didn’t quit and I’m sure I have her to thank for that (possibly mixed blessing). Second, she told me that she knew about my dreams of filmmaking and she said she knows how Boss Man feels about it, that it’s a nice hobby but I should have something substantial to fall back on. However, she disagrees. She said as long as it’s something I know I want, I should NEVER give up on it. She said, in her life, what she wanted was to be a mom, and she has that. When she’s on her deathbed, she’s not going to have any regrets because of that. So even though she said I would be hard to replace, she wants me to keep pursuing my film career. That is the FIRST time anyone at this company has treated my filmmaking as a career path, and not as a cute hobby. So I was very happy to hear it, and, of course, it endeared me to her quite a bit.
The other lady is sort of the me of Portland, minus the secretarial work. We got to talking and it turns out she and I have quite a bit in common from a Catholic School upbringing to a love of Buffy and sci-fi. I should like to hang out with both of them again, methinks.

As for karaoke, well, I gave two of my best performances to date. First I sang “One” by Three Dog Night and then “Heaven is a Place on Earth” by Belinda Carlisle. Of course, my singing is never anything to shout about, but let’s just say that if I were playing Karaoke Revolution, I would have scored an A. My co-workers were quite impressed as well. And I continued to drink every free drink that was offered me.

After a while, we were down to 6, so we headed to another dive bar off Greenlake. I don’t have any idea what it was called. Inside, we met an Englishman from Brighton who had followed a girlfriend to the States and then been promptly dumped. He looked like Garth Algar but talked like the drug dealer in “Withnail and I”. Funny stuff.

I pumped some songs into the Juke and we continued to drink more than any of us probably should have. We closed the place out, and The Other One headed home.

Boss Man drove the 4 ladies back toward our homes/hotels. Lil’ D got dropped off first because she wouldn’t have it any other way. The Two Ladies wanted Taco Bell, so we stopped at the one on Broadway where we were surprised to find a line. There’s never a line in that Taco Bell. There’s never even anyone IN it when I’m there during the day. I guess it stands to reason that 2 in the morning is the only time that Taco Bell ever sounds appetizing to the masses.

Finally, I got dropped off at home, drank two glasses of water (too little, too late) and went to bed.


Oh, I had designs for my Saturday. Yes I did. But they fell way way waaay to the wayside when I awoke with the badhead to end all badheads. This was the SECOND worst hangover of my life (the first being December 31st, 2000 – thus leading to my first sober New Years Eve since I began not being sober on New Years Eve). It was just awful. It was as if a mischievous elf had climbed inside my ear and delighted in, every few minutes, banding my brain with a bal peen hammer. The vomiting was not the kind that makes you feel better immediately after, but rather the kind that sends you into a shivering cold-sweat and makes your whole body tremor. After I threw up everything in my body and then some, and drank as much water as I could stuff in me, I went back to bed. To top it all off, my cold, which had been brewing for several days, finally hit its peak. I feverishly tried to go to sleep. Eventually, I was able to nod off again, but this spelled the end to my designs, which included a matinee of King Kong. Oh well. I will remember next time (this I swear) to drink a glass of water for every alcoholic drink, no matter HOW much free booze is thrust upon me, and no matter how tired I am when I get home.

Around 5pm, I was finally able to join the living. Dom and I got gussied up and then went to the store to purchase offerings for Derek & Aiyanna’s holiday party. The party was great and I ate way too much of their delicious holiday snacks but did NOT drink. We also ventured over to Candy Cane Lane, the festive neighborhood street that is covered with magical lights and decorations. The whole thing was quite lovely. I only wish I could have made myself last past midnight.


After chores and yoga, I finally got my hands on a copy of “The Fantastic Four” which Dom, Faye and I watched. Camptastic! Honestly, I think they used the Roger Corman version as a basis for their script. There were many similarities in cheese. If it weren’t for the professional looking CG, it would be hard to believe that it was a studio picture. Lots of fun to watch though. And Julian McMahon is my new favorite campy actor. The guy knows EXACTLY what movie he’s in and, instead of trying to pretend it’s art, he just has fun with it. It’s the same thing he does in Charmed. And ever since Nip/Tuck turned into a Daytime soap, he’s been doing it there too. Fabulous!


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