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Dear new lady that works in our office,

It's one thing that your vocabulary skills are as appalling as that of our president's, and that you promote anti-intellectualism by making fun of my boss for using “big words”. That I can be amused by. But when you take two-hour lunches with your best friend and write them off as “business lunches” simply because she works at one of our competing firms, you piss me off. I got yelled at once for coming back 10 minutes late from my break. I have never abused my breaks like you do in your first month of employment here. And when you call to say you're going to be late, don't tell me. Tell your boss. I'm not going to rat on you, but sooner or later, he's going to catch on to the fact that you're late every day. And for god's sake, you already come in an hour later than we do. I realise you have to commute from Tacoma and there's traffic and whatnot, but seriously, lady. Leave earlier. And don't whine to me about not being a morning person because neither am I and I have to get here before you do. And also, don't tell me about how you hate wearing shoes. Don't try to commiserate with me by telling me candy makes you fat. It makes everyone fat. Don't eat it. And CERTAINLY don't tell me about how you are scared of rats. I will not sympathize with you and it's not worth my time to explain to you how ignorant you are. And finally, stop monopolizing my interns. Well, you can have the annoying one who has to ask me 100 questions about how to use the photocopier and the binding machine, but the other one is mine. Hands off.

Love,
Me

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