panacea juggle

Happy Good Friday. I will commemorate Jesus’ death in a way that I believe he would appreciate: by doing a meme that appears to be predominantly about the secret debauchery of my youth. This meme actually has some interesting questions. And by interesting, I mean, they haven’t been asked 1000 times before in a meme. Anywhosel…

FIRSTS

1. Who was your first kiss and when?
My first kiss was during a game of spin the bottle. I kissed a guy named Daniel. Neither of us was too pleased about it. A few days later, a guy I DID like, named Robert, kissed me on his own volition. I would like to count that as my first kiss, if I may. Oh, and I was 13.

2. Who was your first prom date?
I find it funny that this meme assumes most people had multiple prom dates. I didn’t get asked to prom and the only person I would have gone with didn’t like me “in that way”. It wasn’t too big of a deal though (despite the general heartbreak of that crush). I spent the evening at a punk rock show and had a much better time than I would have had with a room full of people I didn’t like.

3. Who was your first roommate?
I roomed with THREE other girls my freshman year in college. A bio major, an aspiring aerobics instructor, and a funny girl named Jessica who had a drawer full of dildos.

4. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Red wine. So goth.

5. Who was your first sexual partner?
My first boyfriend. He was a high school dropout and kind of a trouble maker. I really did live the movie cliché high school existence.

6. What was your first job?
Apart from babysitting, I had a summer job as a day camp counselor.

7. What was your first car?
1982 blue Volvo Station Wagon.

8. When did you go to your first funeral?
Some kids in my neighborhood died in a car accident when I was in middle school.

9. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was 17 when I went off to college.

10. Who was your first grade teacher?
Some lady. Actually, several ladies. I think I switched schools that year.

11. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
Moved to Oregon from Richardson, Texas (g-g-g-ghosts!) when I was 2.

12. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with?
I went to a high school play with my first boyfriend, after which we hung out in the parking lot with his friends. Super romantic.

13. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
My first boyfriend. That was clearly the height of my teenage rebellion.

14. Who was your first Best Friend in elementary and are you still friends with them?
I moved around quite a bit back then so I had a few best friends during that time. I think the first one was a German kid named Joe who I liked because he had ALL the Leggos. I’m not still friends with most of them, but I did reconnect with one of them in Seattle last year. Weird, considering we met in Huntsville, AL.

15. Who was the first person to send you flowers, or who was the first person that you sent flowers to?
Sent me flowers: I’m pretty sure it was my dad in middle school who sent me flowers to make me feel better about not being popular. He signed them “A secret admirer”. I think it might have actually made me feel worse knowing they were from my dad.
Sent flowers to: Probably a sympathy bouquet to a friend.

16. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
The lovely Anderson/Langdon dorms.

17. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Whoever I think would be sympathetic to that particular plight.

18. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsmen?
My friend Kristie’s.

19. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Look at the clock and groan. Seriously. Every morning I do that unwittingly.

20. What was the first concert you ever went to?
Cool Answer: Anthrax/White Zombie/Quicksand
Uncool Answer: New Kids on the Block/Tiffany

21. What was your first major surgery?
Knee Surgery.

22. First tattoo or piercing?
I reluctantly got my ears pierced when I was 10. They’re pretty much all closed up now.

23. First celebrity sighting?
I saw Jeff Foxworthy in Richmond once. He was sitting in traffic.

24. First celebrity crush?
Han Solo.

Hard Candy

Dom and I saw the premiere of “Hard Candy” last night at the Cinerama. Dom was on the Lion's Gate guest list because, in case you didn't know, he's a really big deal.

Anyway, I really liked the movie. The script was smart and engaging. The constant close-ups lended themselves to a nice, claustrophobic feel (and luckily, the two leads were pretty, so it was nice to be so well acquainted with their faces). One was left questioning where their sympathies lay. Although, in this case, I think that we weren't really meant to empathize with either character, particularly.

What I don't get is all the hype about the movie being “so messed up”. As we were leaving the theatre, I heard people commenting on how “disturbing” and “unsettling” and “dark” it was. Even the producer introduced the movie by thanking Paul Allen for taking a chance on a movie about which “nothing was safe”. Come ON. I can't help but feel that the people who were so disturbed by this movie generally consider, say, “American Beauty” to be as much cinematic darkness as they can stand. And I'm not even talking about people who don't watch horror movies. There are plenty of dramas out there with a much darker view of the human condition. They clearly have never seen anything by Mike Leigh, Roman Polanski or Werner Herzog to name a few. I realise that those films aren't necessarily mainstream, but from the conversations I overheard last night, a lot of the audience considered themselves movie buffs and shouldn't have been so easily shakable.

Baffling.

drum flier

My ultimate fantasy right now is to take the Toshiba printer we have at the office out into a field, a la Office Space and kick the living shit out of it. I have cleared at LEAST 100 paper jams out of it in the last two days. This thing has actually been the bane of my existence for 2 years now. I think it's safe to say that we hate each other.

title or description

I just heard the misfeed beep again but for now I'm going to ignore it. I need 5 minutes or I may not be responsible for what I do.

Bart Schwartz

1) What is the most useless thing you have in your wallet?
My LOOOONG expired international student ID which I just keep around because I like the picture.

2) If you were sent on assignment to rate the ten best small towns in America, what particular criterion would be most important to you?
No racism and the presence of a nice dive bar.

3) You've been invited to mud wrestle anyone in the world. Who are you going to wrestle? And who will win?
Angela Bassett circa “Strange Days”. And I would LET her win.

4) You're working on a national advertising campaign to get people to eat more ice cream. What will your campaign slogan be?
Fuck Ice Cream!

5) If something other than a cuckoo could pop out of a clock to announce the time, what would you want it to be?
Dildo.

6) Speaking of whistles, can you whistle?
Occasionally, I make an accidental whistling noise but it is in no way melodic.

7) Sometimes whistles blow to warn us or get our attention. When would you most like to have a whistle blow to alert you?
When some asshole in an SUV is going to run through the crosswalk rather than let me go.

8) We're all familiar with frequent flyer programs. Suppose there was a similar program to reward you for something else you do frequently in your life. What would it be?
Frequent Karaoke.

9) If the temperature had to be the same on every day of the year, what would you want it to be?
80. But specifically Northwest 80, meaning it would be cool in the shade and not humid unless it was actually raining.

10) Do you ever check the payphone, or vending machines, for change in the return slot?
Nope.

11) Would you be happier if your teeth were whiter? Have you ever used, do you use, those white strips?
I don't think I would necessarily be HAPPIER if they were whiter. But yes, I do use a whitening system and whitening toothpaste. My teeth are tea-stained.

12) What is the most memorable April Fool's joke that either you've ever played on someone, or someone has played on you?
I hate April Fools. It's a pointless day. No one has ever played a joke on my that was in any way clever or memorable on this day. My co-workers like to play silly tricks on each other throughout the year, but thankfully I am not privvy to such things.

13) How many times have you locked your keys in the car, and the car was running?
Never.

14) Let's say that you've just been photographed right at this very moment. Take a look around you, and tell us what 'easter egg' is in the photograph that is the most subtle clue, yet will give us the most information about you, when we find it of course.
My Godzilla calendar?

lose loose we ght

WEEKEND RECAP

FRIDAY

It was Ladies Night. Unfortunately, my lady friends and I aren’t particularly girly, so we were somewhat at a loss as to what to do with ourselves. Our travels took us to the Honey Hole (perfect name for a girl’s night kick-off bar), Barca (where we were waited on by a bitchy waitress), R Place (where we attempted to find some fun 80’s music to dance to, but were met only with obscure hip-hop) and finally, the Kincora, (where we realized we were far too drunk to be awake for much longer). It’s a shame too, because the DJ was spinning some very good music. Must remember to go back to the Kincora when less drunk and tired.

Faye also took some pretty cool high-concept pictures involving me and Elyse vomiting rope lights.

SATURDAY

I went to look at a bike that was advertised on Craig’s List. I need something to get me to and from yoga in a timely fashion. The price was right on this one. Also, it was apparently designed for shorties such as myself. Barring any major issues with the thing, I knew I was going to buy it. The other person who knew I was going to buy it was the hard-assed British lady who was selling it. Consequently, she didn’t budge one inch on the price. Furthermore, she made me give her all my cash AND all of Brugos’ cash, only allowing me to write her a check for the remainder. Damn, lady.

Brugos kindly drove me home with my new bike, and then went with me to purchase a helmet and lock. Another seasoned salesman sold me my helmet, which is pink and futuristic looking. I went with pink because there is NO WAY I’m going to look even remotely cool on a bike anyway, so I might as well spice up my life with some color.

He also sold me a wire combination lock. Elyse had previously warned me against buying a wire lock, but the sales dude, being the pro that he is, asked me a few questions about the bike and where I would be riding it, and determined that there was no way a thief was going to go after my Dodge Darty piece of crap, when they could have the Rolls Royce of bikes that is sitting right next to it. Being one who avoids confrontation at all costs and hates shopping anyway, I took his advice and bought whatever he shoved into my naïve little hands.

Brugos and I then met Faye, Borg, Dom and Ben at the Metro for a showing of “Slither”. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t run into my nemesis, Fan Boy. I hope he didn’t get sacked. He’ll never move out of his mom’s basement that way.

“Slither” was aight. Not awesome. Not terrible. Nathan Fillion helped.

After a quick stop at the Comic’s Dungeon, the gang left me and Brugos to tool around until the party at the House of Fun. Much DDR happened at the aptly named House. DDR skills, it turns out, are not improved by bong hits.

SUNDAY

Despite allowing themselves a 3-hour time window, the IKEA people delivered my new “bed” right at 11:15. Faye and I had planned to watch “The Island” while we waited for my delivery, so we carried on with the plan anyway. We regretted that we weren’t watching the movie during a plausible drinking time, since an “Island” drinking game soon revealed itself. If anybody out there hasn’t yet seen the movie (since I can’t imagine anyone wanting to watch it AGAIN), remember these rules:

-Drink every time ScarJo or EwMc ask a “What’s (something very common in normal human society)?” question.
-Drink every time anyone says the following: “Go!”, “Run!” “Look out!”

That should get you well on the way to Drunky Town.

After the movie, Faye helped me reorganize the apartment. Realising how much utter CRAP I have sent me down a deep shame spiral. It didn’t help matters that most of it was covered in a two-years thick layer of dust. I am gross.

Later, Faye made me dinner and we fast forwarded through “The Boogyman”. Unlike AvP, watching it in French didn’t help. It’s just a REALLY BORING movie. If you ask me, it takes a lot of misused talent to make a movie about people dying BORING.

I now live in a bedroom that, as Faye commented, resembles the studio apartment of a conspiracy theorist. My frameless mattress sits on a floor in the corner, like a little rats nest. I didn’t realize how many bookshelves I had until they all came out of the closets and lined the walls of my bedroom. If there are any mediaphiles out there who have advice on how to organize your books and CD’s in a way that doesn’t look manic, please share.

itinerary geochemistry sweat

A meme is just what I needed today. Too bad the only one I could find is full of rehashed or boring questions. But has that ever stopped me before?

1. Are you named after anyone?
Nope. But the first recorded appearance of my name is in The Merchant of Venice. Shylock’s daughter, Jessica, screws him over and runs off with a Christian. Snap!

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Or JTT.

3. Are you allergic to anything?
Penicillin, Sulfas and mold.

4. Are you bisexual?
Everyone’s a little queer.

5. Have you ever made out with anyone of the same sex?
Yes.

6. How many U.S states have you been to?
39. Most like have flown over a few more.

7. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
Six.

8. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
Yes.

9. Name something physical you like about yourself?
Tits.

10. Do you have any pets?
Tobe the Special Needs Cat.

11. Have you ever had someone of the opposite sex sleep over?
Been living in sin nigh on 11 years now.

12. Are you bipolar?
No.

13. What’s your dream ride?
Captain Spaulding’s Murder Ride.

14. Where would you want to go on a first date?
Putt-Putt Golf and Games.

15. Would you date the person who posted this before you?
Nope.

16. Has anyone wrote/played a song for you personally?
Written, no. Played, yes. On several occasions, I have been serenaded with acoustic Oasis songs. Works every time.

17. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yes. It’s not really that much cooler than being kissed anywhere else though.

18. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Do creepy dudes on the bus count?

19. What song are you listening to right now?
The Smiths, “William It Was Really Nothing”.

20. What's your favorite song at the moment?
The Jello Pudding song about wiggling free.

21. What was the last movie you watched in the theatre?
V for stupid fucking Vendetta.

22. Where was the last place you went besides your home?
Stupid fucking office.

23. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
No. But it’s been tempting on occasion.

24. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Once. He asked me too. Apparently, he didn’t think I had it in me.

25.What was the last prezzie a friend brought you for no good reason?
”Prezzie?” Faye bought me a kitten magnet-ie.

26. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Body hair.

27. What's ur fav. body part on the opposite sex?
Tummy.

28. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Chai.

29. Your least favorite thing?
How can I possibly choose between the hundreds of things I hate?

30. Would you be lost if you lost your cell phone?
Oh yes. As evidenced by a recent incident, it would ruin my night.

31. Do you have an iPod?
Yep.

32. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
I get Patricia Arquette the most.

33. Do you have freckles?
A few tiny ones on my nose and a bunch on my shoulders from the bastard sun.

34. Are you comfortable with your height?
Most of the time.

35. How tall are you?
Not tall.

36. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Family weddings only.

37. Do you watch TV?
And how.

38. Do you like Michael Jackson?
The real Michael Jackson, yes. The one who has been parading around in his ill-fitting skin for the last 20 or so years, no.

39. Can you dance?
No, but I do it anyway.

40. Have you ever surfed?
I’ve boogie boarded. I’m terrible at anything that involves coordination.

41. Do you know how to pump gas?
Of course. You put the thingy in the thingy and squeeze.

42. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
I don’t know. 7am?

43. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
Yes. But never for more than a few seconds.

44.Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No.

45. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
Isn’t that the very nature of a dare?

My cat can eat a whole watermelon!

It’s widely known that my cat, Tobe, is Special Needs. Whatever happened to him before he came to live with me took quite a toll on his little brain and there are many normal cat activities he has been unable to comprehend. For instance, try as he might, he is terrible at grooming himself, and seems to clean every part of his body except for the one that actually gets dirty. This has recently earned him the nickname “Stinky Britches” from Auntie Faye.

Another kitty activity he has been unable to grasp is the Laser Pointer Game. For months, he has watched Marilyn chase the red dot around the apartment, and, when faced with it himself, it has either frightened him or confused him into sleepiness.

This all changed last night! I don’t know what happened, what clicked in his sweetly challenged brain, but somehow, he suddenly understood what he was meant to do.

My baby learned a new trick!

Granted he looks silly as ever clumsily bounding his 15-pound ass through the small space, and he still gets a little confused and/or distracted after a few minutes. But the bottom line is that he did actually learn something new. Something I’d previously thought was far too complex for him. This warms my heart to no end.

I love my retarded little kitty cat.

V for Vendetta

The Wachowski Brothers get 4 hacks. The first part of V for Vendetta is an unholy mess. They somehow took a very straightforward graphic novel screwed it up. I don’t know why these things surprise me anymore.

Note to filmmakers who adapt graphic novels: the whole thing is basically STORYBOARDED FOR YOU. You don’t need to change anything. You don’t even need to think. It’s a cut and paste job. See “Sin City” for reference.

With someone like Alan Moore, the story and characters are already beloved. They have a built-in box office. They have every fanboy’s wet dream, Natalie Portman attached. They have the badass Hugo Weaving who all of their pre-existing fans love. They didn’t have to DO anything to the story OR the images.

But they did. They made an exciting and thought-provoking story into a flashy chaotic mess. They took a futuristic cautionary tale, a “what might become” situation, and tried to make it into a “what IS” story. Of course, I’m against the Bush regime as much as the next CapHillian, but this was neither the proper forum, nor proper manner for such things. If you have something to say about the modern political climate, Wachowskis, write your own damned script. And leave the fabricated and unnecessary love story out of it.

And you know what? None of this would bother me so much if it weren’t for the fact that, in the middle, they managed to capture some of the original story beautifully. The depiction of V’s back story, the letters that Evey finds in the prison and the bit with the lady doctor were very faithful and very moving. So I KNOW they COULD have done a good job if they’d wanted to. And that is why they don’t get the full 5 hacks that they probably deserve.

But clearly, they didn’t have enough respect for the fans or the source material. They just wanted to blow shit up. I hope they’re happy in the life they’ve chosen.

SXSW Part 4

SXSW Part 4

SATURDAY

Brugos and I met downtown and sought out an entire set of The Research. Despite technical difficulties on the part of the keyboardist, I thought they were really good. If a shitty show is that much fun, imagine how great they are when all their equipment is working. It helped that they brought in a cute bohemian girl as a guest vocalist.

We also partook in a free buffet at the venue. More free stuff! This time, my body was overjoyed to be eating free carrots and green beans instead of free booze.

Next we took a long stroll toward the University area to try and find the venue where Matthew Sweet and Susannah Hoffs were to play together. When we got there, it appeared that everything was behind schedule. We figured we had at least an hour to kill, so we walked further into the university area and saw all the vintage shops and super cool college kids.

When we got back, we sat through one more set before Sweet and Hoffs came on. In the meantime, there was plenty of people watching. It was clear that we’d stumbled into the “older person” tent. The older crowd was having a great time, dancing and singing along to the bands. It was kind of a refreshing sight, after having spent a week hanging out with hipsters who don’t smile and insist on wearing black even in hot weather. (And yes, I’m aware that I am one of these people.)

Sweet and Hoffs finally came on to a very receptive audience. They played all covers of 60’s songs including one of my favorites, “Different Drum” (written my Mike Nesmith from the Monkees!).

We were hungry and had our eyes on an Indian restaurant across the street. By the time we got in there, it was very full and there was a 45 minute wait for a table, but we were able to finagle our way into the bar and eat appetizers for dinner.

We headed back downtown to meet Andrew. He was delayed at a wristband party but convinced us to wait for him inside the Emo’s Annex, where a band that he really wanted to see was going to be playing later that night. We paid our cover and secured a nice cushy spot on a ledge by the side of the stage. We watched a few really good bands and waited to hear from Andrew. Eventually, he called and told us that he was stuck outside and they weren’t letting anyone else in. This time, there was no Aziz to help us out. I went to talk to him. There was nothing they could do. He didn’t get there in time. He was really pissed that he wasn’t going to get to see I Love You Buy I’ve Chosen Darkness. With a name like that, they HAVE to be good, right? Well, Andrew…you didn’t miss much. The best bands came on before them. By the time they went on, they have been overshadowed by their peers and couldn’t live up to the hype. Brugos and I left after the first song or two, and went to find Justin, who was also stuck outside the tent.

Andrew went back to his VIP situation. Justin, Brugos and I were left to our own devices, and, at that point, there wasn’t really a music venue we could get into, so we went back to the Fox and the Hound. By the time the our first round of drinks came, I realized I was EXHAUSTED and just wanted to go to bed. I tried to drink my drink but I couldn’t do it. Justin, who had been in bed all day, was raring to go. He said he didn’t mind sticking around, though, we our unfinished drinks. So Brugos and I shared a cab to our respective hotels and called an end to our last night in Austin.

SUNDAY

The next morning, Justin, Brugos and Andrew convened at my hotel (Jacob had gone home the previous morning). I checked out and we got some breakfast at the Star Seeds café next door.

I took advantage of access to proper grits. Meanwhile, Andrew and Brugos both ordered something called the A-Bomb. From what I could tell, the A-Bomb consisted of two English muffins topped with scrambled eggs, sausage, and queso. It was HUGE and very daunting. Andrew’s was heavy on the queso, while Brugos’ appeared to be heavy on the egg. Either way, finishing it might have killed them. But somehow it didn’t. Justin and I were not able to join the clean plate club that day.

We had a few hours to kill before we needed to get to the airport, so we decided to call a cab to take us to a multiplex. We were going to see Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. Our cab driver dropped us off, and offered to come back and get us after the movie to take us to the airport. It was only 11:30 at the time and the movie didn’t start till after noon, so we dragged our luggage around the deserted strip mall in search of coffee for Andrew. Multiple buffet options they had. Coffee, they did not.

When we got back to the theatre, it was open. They let us stash our luggage in the box office. At the last minute, we forfeited laughter for the option of watching people die. We bought 4 tickets to “The Hills Have Eyes”.

There was still time before the movie started, and guess what they had in the lobby…DDR!! The perfect way to burn off the A-Bomb or a plate of fried eggs and grits! I’m sure the employees of the theatre aren’t accustomed to having a group of young adults with suitcases come into their theatre on a Sunday, buy tickets to a horror movie and then play 3 rounds of DDR.

The movie got out a little late. Andrew called out cabbie. I guess he had been there already and waited for us, then drove off. He came back about 10 minutes later. It was 2:20. He said it takes 45 minutes to an hour to get to the airport. Our plane was taking off at 3:53. He told us we might miss it. Andrew and Brugos said we’d be fine. I was worried because I like to worry.

But we were fine. It didn’t take 45 minutes to get to the airport. I don’t know why the guy told us that it did. Maybe he likes to make his passengers sweat. Maybe it was revenge for making him wait. Regardless, we checked in and got to the gate no problem. I even had time to buy a sandwich.

On the first flight we had both Hotchip and the Research. I felt pretty cool to be flying with rock stars.

For some dumb reason, our flight connected in Chicago. When we taxied, the captain told us we weren’t able to get to the gate. The time of our connecting flight drew near and even though it was due to leave from the same gate we were landing in, it seemed like we might miss it.

Andrew and I passed the time by looking at pictures on his camera phone. He also logged onto MSN and sent Sherwood a message saying we were stuck on a plane. This confounded Sherwood, who then texted me on my cell and said “I just got the strangest message from Andrew.”

Eventually, we got to the gate. When we de-boarded, we discovered that not only was our connecting flight delayed, but that it was actually THE SAME PLANE we were just on. It would have been nice to have that information earlier.

On the flight from Chicago to Seattle, Andrew was kind enough to share his video I-Pod with me. We watched several episodes of Futurama, the Apache video, the first 10 min of Rear Window and half a Seinfeld episode before the battery died. Unfortunately, there was still quite a bit of time left in the flight. Andrew nodded off. Brugos was a row up and over and asleep. I cursed people who are able to sleep on planes and then I restlessly took to my puzzle book. And for some reason, the grumpypuss stewardess didn’t want me to have any water.

We finally landed in Seattle, were picked up by Andrew’s lovely friend Libby and home we went to sleep and prepare ourselves to come back to reality.

Who wants to go to Austin next year?!

SXSW Part 3

WEDNESDAY

Jacob and I met Brugos, Justin and Cherry at Baby Acapulco’s, a Mexican restaurant by their hotel. I was finally getting my appetite back. The waiter fattened us up with tortilla chips, bringing a second basket when Jacob and I arrived. We had only gotten through half of one basket before they took it away and brought us another one which was OVERFLOWING with tortilla goodness. Out of control. By the time out food got there, we had completely spoiled our appetites, which was too bad because our plates were HUGE. My breakfast quesadilla was THREE LAYERS THICK, and it came with a huge side of beans and potatoes. We ate as much as we could. Luckily, we had a long walk ahead of us to the bus stop. On our way out, Brugos attempted to play a quick game of Star Wars pinball (the original, beyotch!). Sadly, the machine ate his ball, but we were still able to listen to the glorious electronic version of the score.

As we meandered through the suburbs, it amazed all of us that Brugos had been able to find the bus stop to downtown in the first place. Somehow, on his first day, his instincts had led his through twists and turns and down random streets in entirely the right direction.

We stopped briefly at a corner shop so that I could buy new sunglasses and we could all get some water, and then we got our bus which took us down a very cute section of town and through the University.

When we got downtown, Cherry picked up her car and went home to get some sleep.

Jacob, Justin, Brugos and I wandered around downtown looking for some music. We ended up at a place called Headhunters, where we saw several bands both in the upstairs and downstairs section. None of the music was that engaging to me, but I was enjoying just hanging out in a cluttered tiki environment. One of the bands that we saw was made up of ex-member of Nashville Pussy.

At one point the 4 of us became engaged in a video trivia system downstairs. One of the games was a “spot the difference” game featuring half-clad ladies. Even with the 4 of us, we still couldn’t manage to beat the high score. We were able to at least get our name on the high score list though. Team Surf Taco! One word of advice when playing that game: Always start with the boobies.

Next, we headed to the Alamo Downtown to catch a showing of “The Cassidy Kids”. Again, it wasn’t much of a problem for us to all get in. Jacob and I got in first and saved seats for Justin and Brugos. The whole thing was really low pressure. I LOVE this festival.

The movie, however, totally sucked. The script was heavy handed and repetitive. The child acting was rather poor, and the whole thing lasted about 40 minutes longer than it needed to. Still, it’s hard to be TOO upset about a bad movie when you are being served beer whilst watching it.

After the movie, we attempted to meet up with Andrew, Derek & Aiyana, but they were in a venue we couldn’t get into without wrist bands. So instead, we went to the rooftop bar right NEXT to where they were. It was actually the best possible place to be if you couldn’t get into the venue, because we were able to hear the band clear as day. And the super-secret band in question? The Flaming Lips! They opened with a spot on cover of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. We heard another 4 or 5 songs before we had to split to catch a midnight movie.

We went back to the Alamo Downtown to watch “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon”. It starts off documentary style as an aspiring slasher killer prepares to fulfill his destiny as the next horror legend. It’s a very cleverly scripted, well acted, suspenseful and funny movie. It ended being the best movie we saw at SXSW and I really hope the guys get distribution for it.

After the movie, it was definitely sleepy-time for us.

THURSDAY

While Jacob went off to catch some bands down South Lamar way, I met Brugos downtown. We finally met up with Andrew, Derek & Aiyana at Emo’s. We were able to catch the end of a set by a band that I’d never heard before but REALLY liked, called The Research. They consisted of a girl bass player, girl drummer and guy with a tiny Casio keyboard on his lap. Their songs were light and fun and I really wanted to hear more of them.

We sat in the backyard area of Emo’s at a picnic table and had some refreshing beverages in the sun for a while. Eventually, Derek & Aiyana had plans to catch a band elsewhere. Andrew, Brugos and I attempted to get into the Filter party, but they weren’t letting anyone without a wrist band in. Andrew was nice enough to forgo the party for a while, and went back to the Fox and Hound for drink.

Whilst there, Andrew saw a band that he recognized, called Hotchip, and he said hello. Andrew is such a scenester.

Brugos and I were severely hankering to check out Peter Pan mini golf. It was a really nice day and the timing felt right. Andrew wasn’t into it, so he went back to find Derek & Aiyana, and Brugos and I trekked across the bridge to our mini golf destinies.

Peter Pan mini golf is AWESOME!! First of all, there’s no discernable reason why Peter Pan gets the whole thing named after him, since there’s no theme within the course itself. There’s one hole which features pan, another hole with a nazi pirate and one hole with a VERY small crocodile head, but, as far as I can recall, there were no whales, big red dogs, giant angry bunnies or T-Rexes in Peter Pan. It didn’t matter though. The randomness was part of its charm.

Another part of its charm was the fact that most of the hole involved shooting balls into the mouths of things and having them shoot out what can only be described as their butts. Whoever designed this park had a definite fetish.

It turns out Brugos and I are worthy adversaries in the game of mini golf. I beat him by 1 point the first round, and he barely beat me in the second. And both of us were pretty close to par.

After getting our fill of mini golf, we hopped on the ‘Dillo and met everyone back at Emo’s. We got there just in time to catch the end of an Of Montreal set. Andrew texted Sherwood to tell him that they played an awesome cover of “The Final Countdown”. (Which Brugos and I sadly missed). Sherwood apparently didn’t know who sent him the message so he texted back “Thank you for the information, kind stranger”.

Next on the agenda was to find some dinner. Since we needed to be back by the bridge later that evening for Spoon and Echo and the Bunnymen, we headed toward a sub shop in the area.

On the way, we crossed back over the bridge just in time to see the thousands of bats who dwell underneath, leaving their home for the night to find food. It was really cool looking, but, unfortunately, I was on the wrong side of the bridge to take a picture. The one I took makes them look like birds or a cloud of dust.

At the sub shop, I had the most AMAZING vegetarian chicken sandwich and a piece of carrot cake. I will never forget you, veggie chicken sandwich.

We got to the big outdoor venue in time catch the Spoon set. Cherry, Brugos, Jacob and I got suckered into buying some “alcoholic” frozen drinks for $7 in novelty plastic coconuts. Said drinks were nothing more than frozen Boon’s and it was impossible to finish them. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Brugos took advantage of the free mini Spam burgers from the happy Spam truck. Jacob took off to get a closer look at the stage, and Cherry, Brugos and I rested our barking dogs under a tent.

Echo came on and they sounded really good from where we were sitting. I felt no desire to get closer to the stage. Near the end of the set, we wandered around looking for beer, but could only find bud. Eventually, we settled on Tecates. Jacob appeared and we left during the encore to avoid the crowd.

On our way back across the bridge, I saw what is currently my favorite piece of graffiti ever: “Fuck Ice Cream”. Some poor lactose intolerant person felt the need to express their frustration in permanent maker on a bridge. I feel their pain.

The plan was to meet Justin and Andrew at a show back downtown. Unfortunately, the venue where we were to meet them had become wrist bands only. If we’d gotten there slightly earlier, we probably could have gotten in. Regrettably, Justin had already PAID to get in, and he hadn’t yet met Andrew, who was already in the venue.

I saw this as an opportunity to try and get into the Twilight Singers show. I wasn’t terribly optimistic that we would be able to get in, but I wanted to check out the line, so we headed over there and scoped out the scene.

During the music part of SXSW, there’s a lot of “wait and see” time. We were told that they MIGHT let in 25-30 more non-wristband people if they got the word from on-high to do so. So we waited in line. Meanwhile, Brugos called Justin and told him to hurry up and get to the club. Before long, they started to let us in. Justin was still nowhere to be found and not answering his cell, so Brugos did all he could by texting the word “run”.

We all paid our money, got in, and set about finding a good place to lurk. I got my first bizarre interpretation of a Greyhound of the trip, which featured a cherry. (Later, they mixed it up by putting salt on the rim the cup.) We sat next to a wooden statue of some Robert E. Lee looking dude. Miraculously, Justin WAS able to get in. We found out later that it was an error on the part of the door men because the show was over capacity and the fire chief threatened to shut the whole thing down.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen, because the Twilight Singers put on an AMAZING show. Holy shit! I forgot how engaging a musician Greg Dulli is. He’s looking pretty bloated these days, but when he starts singing, he’s still as sexy as ever. I was once again an enraptured 17-year-old girl.

The downside to us being over capacity was that there was NO WAY that Cherry and Justin could go outside for a smoke and get let back in. They overcame adversity, however, when they noticed that members of the band were actually smoking. SO they threw caution to the wind and lit up.

After the show, I saw Greg signing autographs and decided I wanted a picture with the big sweat man. Just as I approached him, he began to head outside. He said he’d take a picture with me if I came outside, so Brugos and I begged the doorman to let us back in after and he agreed. Cherry and Justin were also able to bargain their way outside for a cigarette.

Once outside, Greg seemed very distracted. And by distracted, I mean he was hammered. He was busy hugging people and I felt like an utter tool standing there waiting for him to remember why I was standing there. I gave up and went back inside. But Brugos stayed outside and Cherry eventually got a picture with him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought that Cherry and I were actually the same girl.

Back inside the club, the New Amsterdams were setting up. The New Amsterdams are made up of the pussy half of The Get Up Kids. (The rock half went on to form Reggie and the Full Effect). I used to be really into both halves of the The Kids. Turns out, I’m over that. I was SO bored during their set. Cherry and I gabbed loudly through it and annoyed the piss out of Jacob, who actually moved to the other side of the stage to get away from us.

An evil lady came around with free samples of Jack and Coke, which I had the good sense to refuse. It still amazes me how much free stuff was CONSTANTLY being thrown around for the sake of advertising. And how much of that stuff was actually alcohol based. Did I mention I LOVE this festival?

After the show, we headed out into the post-last call infested streets. We lost Justin and had to scout around for him. When we finally found him, he was sitting on a curb, surrounded by newspapers…ASLEEP. I really wish I’d taken a picture before I called out his name. It was so adorably sad looking.

After we woke Justin up, we went on a mission for food. There was a line for the “Best Wurst” which went around the block. I ducked into a convenience store and bought some Chex Mix. Justin and Brugos settled in Gyros.

Fully carbed, we headed to Cherry’s car. Justin said he had to pee and disappeared. Unfortunately, Cherry and I ALSO had to pee, and we weren’t about to follow Justin under a bridge to do so. We hoped he was just on his way back, but 10 minutes later, he was still nowhere to be found. Brugos insisted that we should just leave and he would find his own way. Apparently, this is pretty normal behavior for him.

Just as we were about to pull onto the freeway, Justin called. He had apparently made friends with a hobo under the bridge. I’m thinking of creating a children’s story character based on Justin.

FRIDAY

Cherry picked us all up around 11:30 and we drove to Japanese Garden type venue where were saw an adorable band called Little Brazil. They were serving free beer (some of it green. Happy St. Paddy’s!). It was way too early for beer for me, but Brugos and Justin partook. I saw a guy who, for a while, had me convinced it was Zach Galifianakis. But upon closer inspection, and spy-camera tactics, I realized it was just an indie musician doppelganger. Bummer.

Next, we went back to Headhunters to see a band called Von Iva who Jacob had encountered in San Fran. They were a really rocking all girl band and very animated for so early in the day. Cherry and I each bought a CD and the lead singer said that if we liked the show at 1:30, we should catch them at night because then they would be at 100% capacity.

Jacob had devised a tight schedule for us to follow. But rule #3 of SXSW music fest is to never PLAN on anything. Bands cancel, shows get moved. You can never be sure what’s actually going to happen. Because of that, we rather unexpectedly ended up at the Emo’s Annex, watching Patton and Aziz Ansari doing warm-up bits in between band sets. We got to see Patton do his Black Angus bit, which is NEVER not eye-wateringly funny.

Once again, we lucked into a place right before it was over capacity. Andrew was not so lucky. He really wanted to get in to see the next band. We were already in and ambivalent. Andrew was stuck in a line outside. We planned on leaving which would, hopefully, free up some space for Andrew to get in eventually. But before we left, Cherry and I wanted to introduce ourselves to Aziz and tell him how much we enjoyed his set at Emo’s. He was really nice and made small talk with us. He noted that there were a lot of people stuck in line outside. I agreed and said that my friend Andrew was one of those people and that he really wanted to get in to see the next band. Aziz IMMEDIATLEY volunteered to BRING ANDREW IN THROUGH THE BACKSTAGE ENTRANCE! What?! Seriously?! I just MET you, threw a few compliments your way and you volunteer a favor like that? The Comedians of Comedy are the nicest people on the face of the Earth.

Aziz followed me to the entrance and I pointed out Andrew, who was “the guy in the Ghostbusters t-shirt and aviator glasses” and Aziz went out, grabbed Andrew, and took him around to the back. Unbelievable. I should send that guy a basket of muffins or something.

We had a little time to kill, so we went to find some food. I scored an incredible Portobello and bri burger, and got yet another weird interpretation of a greyhound, this time with a lime.

Next we went to see if the Brian Jonestown Massacre was indeed going to play a show. They weren’t. Our plan B was to catch Clap your Hands Say Yeah. Of course, the line for that was around the block. Jacob was determined to wait in it. The rest of us were kind of restless. First, Cherry, Justin and I wandered around to see if we could get in anywhere else. Justin toted around a rebar that he’d found. Perhaps he had hoped to intimidate someone into letting us in? No such luck. Back in line, we noticed that there was a very large hill above the venue. Even if we couldn’t SEE anything from on the hill, it would be a great place to sit and have a drink while listening to the band. Cherry waited in line with Jacob while Justin, Brugos and I went off to find a liquor store. We bought some champagne and a six-pack of cider and checked back in line. Cherry and Jacob had moved quite a bit, but the door man was saying that they weren’t letting anyone else in. This was our cue to carry on with the Drinking on the Hill Plan. Jacob persisted in waiting in line and the rest of us scouted a way onto the hill. Cherry suddenly realized she was very tired and left us. Justin, Brugos and I found a nice little spot on the hill, waved to Jacob in line, and cracked open some beer. It wasn’t long before other people joined us. Soon, the hill was full of people, and we felt pretty cool for being the pioneers of a really good idea.

Jacob eventually made it in to the venue, but somehow got confused and thought he’d missed Clap Your Hands, so he joined us on the hill. He got there just in time for the unmistakable sounds of CYHSY’s first song. Doh! I think he made the right decision though. The hill was the place to be.

After our hill party, we went to another venue to check out some bands that were on Jacob’s list. The rest of us weren’t feeling any of them though. We stuck it out for as long as we could, before resolving to wander around instead.

We easily snuck into a party at the Speakeasy, a place we’d been briefly a few nights before. We ordered some drinks and killed time on their cushy couches. The plan was to attempt to get into the world premiere of “Slither” at midnight.

But like I said, plans are not easily kept in Austin. As we headed out, I realized I no longer had my cell phone. This was bad. Jacob had left his cell phone in the hotel so the only way I could get ahold of him would be to find him at the movie. But the time we got to the theatre, he had already been let in. There was no way all of us could get in, but I was able to go with my badge (thank god for that) and find Jacob. I told him I’d lost my phone and, even if I could sit down for the movie, I didn’t want to because I’d be worried about my phone the whole time.

As I emerged from the theatre, I saw a familiar face. It was the Creepy Dude who’d kidnapped up in his van! I instinctively changed course, hoping that he wouldn’t see Brugos and Justin, but when I looked back, I saw that he had.

I reluctantly approached the group and said hello to him. He asked me when I’d lost my phone. I could tell he was hoping it had been days ago, thus providing an explanation as to why I hadn’t called. I told him that it was just a few hours ago. He seemed pretty pissed about that. He and Brugos took turns calling my phone while Justin went back to the Speakeasy to ask around in there. Finally, someone answered my phone. They said they were a waiter at Speakeasy and they would hold the phone until we came and got it. Just then, Justin walked around the corner talking into my phone. Silly Justin.

The first crisis was averted, but Creepy Dude wanted to hang out. We said we were tired and were going back to our hotel. He offered us a ride. We said we’d get a cab. He got the hint and angrily walked away. I felt kinda bad, but I wasn’t in the mood to have my urine collected that night.