Film Threat Review: Life with Fiona

Originally Posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

2007
Un-rated
85 minutes
1 Star

 

Writer/Director/”actor” Greg Lobb looks and sounds exactly like John Hodgman. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities end. While Daily Show correspondent, satirist, and P.C. anti-spokesperson Hodgman has an intellectual buffoonish charm, Greg Lobb makes me want to “lobb”. I can’t believe I spent 85 minutes with him and his inane film.

“Life with Fiona” tells the story of a man named Steve who is unlucky in love. This seems to have a lot to do with the fact that the guy is a total loser. Not a lovable loser, mind you. He’s more like that unnerving dork who works in your office with whom you hate to get stuck in the break room because no matter what crappy small talk he makes, he’s obviously just staring at your boobs. Luckily, Steve works in some sort of alternate-dimension office (they sell golf pencils or something. I don’t know) wherein every employee is exactly like him. There are no women apart from an infantile secretary named Jessica (no relation) who plays with dolls and is inexplicably lusted after by everyone else in the office. I suppose when there is only one female in your office, your lusting options are kind of limited.

Anywho, Steve doesn’t need to worry about being rejected by Jessica for long because there are plenty of other bat-shit fish in the sea. One day Steve runs into an enchantingly nutso lady at his BFF’s apartment. Her name is Fiona and she’s enchanting because she answers the door naked and she’s just had a three-way with Steve’s BFF and wife of BFF. This means she’s super slutty and therefore, Steve, coincidentally the protagonist of this film, totally has a chance with her.

What follows is scene after scene of boring old Steve and crazy as the day-is-long Fiona (but god, isn’t she HAWT?!) having some sort of weird-ass relationship. She’s needy and he’s uncomfortable with that (even though she is without question, the best he can do). Then he’s needy and she’s slutty. This is followed by scenes wherein I guess we’re supposed to think they’re a happy, cute couple. Next she becomes bitchy and breaks up with him. He reacts by becoming needy and whiny which miraculously results in them getting back together. After that she’s paranoid about him cheating on her with Wife of BFF. He assures her she’s the only woman for him and then he promptly goes out and cheats on her with Wife of BFF. I may have the order a little wrong but trust me, it doesn’t really matter. Why we’re supposed to like any of these characters or care what happens next is really beyond me. And don’t even get me started on the story structure. It’s like ‘Ol Lobbo couldn’t decide between the options in the holy triumvirate of irritating narration styles (voice-over, titles, or the one wherein the main character stands in a black limbo and breaks the 4th wall) so they decided to go with all three.

I suppose this movie is supposed to be funny and sometimes, if the writing is strong, you can make up for a lack of sympathetic (or even multi-dimensional) characters and still have a pretty good comedy. (Alex Cox’s “Straight to Hell” and “State and Main” come to mind). This did not happen with “Life with Fiona.” At all. Greg, don’t quit your day Lobb.

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