Sooooo…
My friend was in a wedding this past weekend and guess who was her groomsman. I’ll give you a hint. I don’t call these posts LoggiaMemes! She left me a voicemail asking me if there was anything I wanted to ask him. Of course, at the time I was rocking too hard at the Baxttle of the Bands (more on that later) to hear my phone and for some reason said phone neglected to alert me of a new message so I didn’t hear it until today when it preceded another message. Anywhosel, I may not have gotten to crack the Kase of the Klosterman Theory by having her annoyingly ask him his real answers to all 23 of his questions he asks people to find out if he can really love them, but I can carry on with the Klostermemes and theories in this blog. And so I shall!
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series features these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments!
You are in a plane crash in the Andes Mountains, not unlike those people from the movie Alive. As such, you will be forced to consume the human flesh of the people who died on impact; this will be a terrible experience, but it is the only way for you to survive. Fortunately, you did not know any of the victims personally.
Would you rather eat a dead baby, or would you rather eat a dead elderly person? Would gender play a role in the selection process? And how much would it bother you if this meat turned out to be delicious?
My answer: I may be a vegetarian, but I am fully prepared to eat meat in the event that I must do so in order to stay alive. Since I already have qualms about meat-eating, I reckon people eating wouldn’t be much more difficult for my conscience. Especially if I don’t know any of the victims and they are already dead. It doesn’t matter if it turns out to be delicious. Meat is delicious but I am bothered by it enough to refrain from eating it. So in essence, being a vegetarian for moral reasons has already mentally prepared me for this sort of situation. Hooray!
As for which meat I would prefer, I’d probably want to eat a young person or a baby. Their meat would be the healthiest and therefore tastiest (and best for you), right? Gender wouldn’t play a role but I would rather eat a nice, plump person than an anorexic.
Klosterman Theory: He would agree with me on the meat selection but he would probably have a harder time dealing if he ended up liking it, since he’s a staunch meat-eater currently.
Comment me with your answers! More information on this (non) story as it (doesn’t) develop(s)!
It is 1933. You are in Berlin, Germany. Somehow, you find yourself in a position where you can effortlessly steal Adolf Hitler’s wallet. This theft will not effect Hitler’s rise to power, the nature of WWII, or the Holocaust. There is no important identification in the wallet, but the act will cost Hitler forty Reichsmarks and completely ruin his evening. You do not need the money. The odds that you will be caught committing this crime are less than 2%. 
My Answer: Since I wholeheartedly believe in my own morals I would choose option B. A general live and let live policy adopted by everyone would really mellow this old world out. Only a hypocrite (and an asshole) would want to live in a world in which rules only apply to them. Unfortunately, I think option A is closer to the way the world is already. 
You become convinced this is neither coincidence nor mental illness: somehow, this character is being actively based on your life. The show’s writers generally depict the “you” character in a positive manner, but as far as you can tell – you don’t know anyone involved in the show’s production or creation. It’s totally inexplicable. 
You are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10% more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet) you will seem 20% less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is no way you can ever alter the universality of that perception).
You are told by friends and family that – when you were 25 – you (supposedly) became friends with someone you met on the street. You possess numerous photos of you and this person, and everyone in your life insists that this individual was your best friend for over 2 years. You were (allegedly) inseparable. In fact, you find several old letters and emails from this person that vaguely indicate you may have even shared a brief romantic relationship. But something happened between you and this individual when you were 27, and the friendship abruptly ended (and apparently you never told anyone what caused this schism, so it remains a mystery to all). The friend moved away soon after the incident, wholly disappearing from your day-to-day life. But you have no memory of any of this. Within the context of your own mind, this person never even existed. There is tangible proof that you deeply loved this friend, but – whenever you look at their photograph – all you see is a stranger. 
My answer: Because the music you like is part of your identity. Like with books and movies, people seek out others who agree with your taste. That’s not to say that I couldn’t be friends with a U2 fan. Plenty of people in my circle love them. But it’s easier to share the common bond of taste. You can go to shows together. You can talk about the lyrics you like. You can identify on a deeper level using music as a template. Not only that, but having been into metal and then punk and indie in high school, that was part of my rebellion. It was how I differentiated myself from the right wing assholes I went to school with. There were lyrics about alienation and punk culture that I related to. I never felt the same way about the crap they liked. It was shallow. Would I have turned out the same way if I’d found emotional significance in the Dave Mathews Band rather than The Smiths? I think not. Klosterman says that I wouldn’t experience a change in my personality, but this is impossible. I might still be a liberal who attempts to do the right thing. I might still love nature and animals. I might be a happy goth. But I would be listening to Matchbox 20. This is incongruous. I would find Sugar Ray lyrics satisfying. There is no way that I wouldn’t undergo a fundamental change in my personality. I like my personality. I like my friends and my husband. That is why I would be sad. 
Effed by the Wind 
