Semi-Pro is Semi-Funny

X-Posted from The Reel.

I used to think that the hardest reviews to write were those for films that I really loved. There are, it seems, far fewer interesting ways to say you love a film than to say it stinks. As Harvey Danger says, “Happiness writes white”.

It turns out that there is a harder review to write: Those for films that are just OK. Will Ferrell's new period-piece sports comedy, Semi-Pro, is just that.

Everyone seems to agree that Will Ferrell is well suited to play the lovable arrogant dim-wit which is why he is back for the 45th time to play that role again. This time, his name is Jackie Moon, and he owns an ABA basketball team in 1976, just before the ABA is abolished, and four of the teams absorbed into the NBA. Moon desperately wants his rag tag bunch of misfits, the Flint, Michigan Tropics, to be one of the new NBA teams and so he recruits a washed-up, jaded ex-NBA player named Monix (Woody Harrelson) to help. While Monix is in Flint, he calls upon an old flame (Maura Tierney), thus bringing some breast and thigh to this sausage fest.

The supporting cast is rounded out by Andre Benjamin (A.K.A. Andre 3000), Will Arnett (TV's Arrested Development, the pants-soiling hilarity of The Brothers Solomon) and Rob Corddry (The Daily Show). Benjamin is *good* as the straight man (and only legitimately talented player on the team) who dreams of playing for the NBA. Arnett and Corddry are *funny* as a sports commentator and the jilted boyfriend of Maura Tierney who doesn't seem to mind. The jokes amusing. The story is engaging and Will Ferrell is competent. But we are pretty much just reinventing the wheel here.

When I think about it, a tropical-themed basketball team in snowy Flint, Michigan should be very funny. Will Ferrell having a dramatic moment whilst dressed as the sun and addressing his teammates in seahorse costumes should be hilarious. As should Will Ferrell fighting a bear, a mustachioed Will Arnett constantly drinking and smoking and insulting his co-anchor, Will Ferrell inciting a brawl during a commercial break and more. But it's nothing more than moderately amusing. Not a waste of your time, but you wouldn't miss much if you decided to read a book instead. If this movie were a pizza topping, it would be pepperoni. Sure, it's good, but it's nothing to write home about.

February 26, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Film Threat Review: Life with Fiona

Originally Posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

2007
Un-rated
85 minutes
1 Star

 

Writer/Director/”actor” Greg Lobb looks and sounds exactly like John Hodgman. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities end. While Daily Show correspondent, satirist, and P.C. anti-spokesperson Hodgman has an intellectual buffoonish charm, Greg Lobb makes me want to “lobb”. I can’t believe I spent 85 minutes with him and his inane film.

“Life with Fiona” tells the story of a man named Steve who is unlucky in love. This seems to have a lot to do with the fact that the guy is a total loser. Not a lovable loser, mind you. He’s more like that unnerving dork who works in your office with whom you hate to get stuck in the break room because no matter what crappy small talk he makes, he’s obviously just staring at your boobs. Luckily, Steve works in some sort of alternate-dimension office (they sell golf pencils or something. I don’t know) wherein every employee is exactly like him. There are no women apart from an infantile secretary named Jessica (no relation) who plays with dolls and is inexplicably lusted after by everyone else in the office. I suppose when there is only one female in your office, your lusting options are kind of limited.

Anywho, Steve doesn’t need to worry about being rejected by Jessica for long because there are plenty of other bat-shit fish in the sea. One day Steve runs into an enchantingly nutso lady at his BFF’s apartment. Her name is Fiona and she’s enchanting because she answers the door naked and she’s just had a three-way with Steve’s BFF and wife of BFF. This means she’s super slutty and therefore, Steve, coincidentally the protagonist of this film, totally has a chance with her.

What follows is scene after scene of boring old Steve and crazy as the day-is-long Fiona (but god, isn’t she HAWT?!) having some sort of weird-ass relationship. She’s needy and he’s uncomfortable with that (even though she is without question, the best he can do). Then he’s needy and she’s slutty. This is followed by scenes wherein I guess we’re supposed to think they’re a happy, cute couple. Next she becomes bitchy and breaks up with him. He reacts by becoming needy and whiny which miraculously results in them getting back together. After that she’s paranoid about him cheating on her with Wife of BFF. He assures her she’s the only woman for him and then he promptly goes out and cheats on her with Wife of BFF. I may have the order a little wrong but trust me, it doesn’t really matter. Why we’re supposed to like any of these characters or care what happens next is really beyond me. And don’t even get me started on the story structure. It’s like ‘Ol Lobbo couldn’t decide between the options in the holy triumvirate of irritating narration styles (voice-over, titles, or the one wherein the main character stands in a black limbo and breaks the 4th wall) so they decided to go with all three.

I suppose this movie is supposed to be funny and sometimes, if the writing is strong, you can make up for a lack of sympathetic (or even multi-dimensional) characters and still have a pretty good comedy. (Alex Cox’s “Straight to Hell” and “State and Main” come to mind). This did not happen with “Life with Fiona.” At all. Greg, don’t quit your day Lobb.

February 22, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Film Threat Review: Bookie

Originally Posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

2007
Un-rated
18 minutes
3 Stars

 

It’s not an easy feat for a low-budget short film to succeed in transporting you to another time and place. Most often, the end result smacks of community theatre because that’s probably also where they borrowed their costumes from. That’s why Tran Quoc Bao’s “Bookie” stands out from minute one. Along with the slick cinematography and impressive fight choreography, the sultry night club acts in “Bookie” suck you in and fool you into believing that it really is 1963 Seattle.

“Bookie” tells the story of a bookie named Bookie (Ken Quitugua) who works for a thuggish, womanizing club owner named Jackson. It’s the night of the big fight and the odds are, naturally, with the champ. Bookie takes a bet for the underdog from Rogers (JT Jackson), a fast-talking cat with the most interesting dialog. (Incidentally, JT Jackson played “Cola” in the Bacardi and Cola ads. It’s true that he gets the job done.) While Bookie waits for people to get their bets in, he shyly woos Billie (Angela Adto), the beautiful barmaid who takes abuse from Jackson. But when Bookie chooses to skim off the top to help Billie, he’s looking at more than just a pink slip as penalty.

While it is certainly an impressive short film, “Bookie” isn’t perfect. The acting is a little uneven and, unfortunately, most of that blame belongs to the male and female leads. Nonetheless, expert look and feel of the film makes up for some slightly cliché dialog.

The most powerful shots in the film, however, are of the club singers. The stunning close-ups on their faces tell more of a story in a few seconds than in the whole of “Bookie.” Another noteworthy performance is that of the masterful old-timey voice acting by Chad Jennings as the fight announcer.

On the whole, “Bookie” makes a fine calling card for Tran Quoc Bao and cinematographer Shaun Mayor. I hope it leads to bigger things for this creative team.

February 22, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Film Threat Review: Last Stop for Paul

Originally Posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

2007
Un-rated
83 minutes
2 Stars

 

“Last Stop for Paul” is yet another vanity indie film in which the writer, director and “star” is all one guy. One very uninteresting guy named Neil. I’ll start with saying something nice because I’m told if I don’t do that, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Technically, the film was fine. There was nothing annoying about the editing or the shots themselves. The concept was marginally original in that I’ve only seen it half a dozen times already. Grab a camera and set up scenes in each city to contribute to one big contrived documentary-style plot about two buddies taking the ashes of a third buddy on a trip around the world. The trouble is that the contrivances are so… contrived.

First, there are the Slanguage Lessons. Schlubby Guy #1 overhears a Jamaican man using the word “batty” and demands a definition for the benefit of himself and the audience. (It means ass). And then to prove he’s learning so much on his trip, he uses it in a sentence later! It doesn’t really make sense to call Schlubby Guy #2 a “batty face” after he gets ripped off by some Jamaican scam artists, but he does it anyway. In Slanguage Lesson # 2, the Schlubbs meet up with some Irish guys who go on and on about trying to find good “craic.” If you didn’t know that the word (pronounced “crack”) means “good times,” you might have found this misunderstanding hilarious (“Sorry dudes, we aren’t into drugs.”) but I doubt it.

Another irritating contrivance is all the “craaaaaazy shit” these guys get into. I do not believe that there is a bar in Santiago, Chile that is full of only women. Straight women. Who are just waiting for 4 white guys to come and show them a good time.

Contrivances aside, I just don’t care about these characters. I’ve met guys like this. They call themselves “travelers,” but they are deep as puddles and they are merely taking time off from their investment banker jobs to basically get drunk in different countries with other white people. Cultural differences sure are wacky and hey, doesn’t seeing all this old stuff really make you think? The whole thing is tied together with a voice over that actually contains lines like “I was lucky to be alive, but sad to say goodbye.” Seriously? No wonder we’re the most hated country in the world.

February 22, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Oscar Corrections and Retractions

Have you ever watched a trailer for a film that announced it's star as “Academy Award Winner Blah di Blah” and thought to yourself “I can't believe THEY won an Academy Award”? Or wondered why former Academy Award winners were making films like “The Devil's Advocate” or “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”? I certainly have. In fact, I wish that Oscars came with the stipulation that, should you at any point in your career find yourself a shadow of your former artistic integrity, that you can actually have your Oscar revoked. In honor of this notion, and the upcoming 80th annual Academy Awards (this Sunday, the 24th of February) I present to you:

10 ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS WHO SHOULD HAVE THEIR OSCARS REVOKED

1. Marisa Tomei. She won for Best Supporting Actress in 1992 for My Cousin Vinny. Yes, you read that right. A flimsy comedy based mostly on Brooklyn accent jokes won Tomei an OSCAR. There is a theory circulating that she was actually not the rightful winner and that the presenter called the wrong name. Seems reasonably sound to me considering the dignified Hollywood veterans she was up against (Judy Davis, Joan Plowright, Miranda Richadson, Venessa Redgrave).
Revocation Worthy: Untamed Heart, also starring Christian Slater about a girl who falls in love with a simpleton who believes he has a baboon's heart. What? I know.

2. Halle Berry. She made history in 2001 as the first African American actress to win an Oscar for Best Actress. This was for Monster's Ball, a misogynistic, vaguely racist melodrama that the Academy just adored. But that's beside the point.
Revocation Worthy: Razzie award winner Catwoman. Poorly scripted “thriller” Gothika in which Berry's performance was outshined by her Nut House Chic wardrobe. Making Storm the most useless character in all of the X-Men films.

3. Cuba Gooding, Jr.. In 1996, Cuba was rewarded for the energetic delivery of one of the most irritating catch phrases in cinematic history. The Academy showed him the Oscar for Best Supporting actor in Jerry Maguire.
Revocation Worthy: Helming the unnecessary sequel (I didn't even want the first one), Daddy Day Camp. A comically bad performance as a mentally challenged football enthusiast in Radio (note: Pretty much ANY actor who plays the Retard Card is off my Christmas card list.) Acting alongside talking huskies in Snow Dogs. The homophobic comedy Boat Trip. Everything.

4. Jon Voight. Who could forget Jon Voight in his star-making turn in Midnight Cowboy and his Oscar-winning leading role in 1978's Coming Home? Now he's more famous for being crazier than his crazy daughter, Angelina Jolie.
Revocation Worthy: Though I REALLY want to forgive him due to his inspired role as a hardened coal miner in Zoolander, these titles speak for themselves: Anaconda, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Bratz, The Karate Dog.

5. Jack Nicholson. He took home a total of 3 Mr. Goldies. 1975 for Best Actor in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, 1983 for Best Supporting Actor in Terms of Endearment and in 1997 for Best Actor in As Good As It Gets. The last role seemed to seal the deal for Nicholson. His Pavlovian response kicked in and he has played nothing but elderly curmudgeons ever since.
Revocation Worthy: The Bucket List.

6. Geena Davis. Another surprising recipient, Davis won Best Actress in 1988 for The Accidental Tourist.
Revocation Worthy: Way before Johnny Depp made pirates beloved, her husband Renny Harlin cast her in a little film called Cutthroat Island which goes down in the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest loss of money for a film company ever. I didn't see it either.

7. Sean Connery. This Jeopardy enthusiast snagged an award in 1987 for Best Supporting Actor in The Untouchables. For this, people would continue to confuse his baffling “Scottish” accent and cocky delusions as good acting for years to come.
Revocation Worthy: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Dragonheart.

8. Whoopie Goldberg. In 1990, Whoopie was awarded Best Supporting Actress for her role as a fraudulent medium who is haunted by Patrick Swayze. For me, this is another one of those “Shouldn't have happened in the first place” moments. But happen it did.
Revocation Worthy: Theodore Rex.

9. Robert De Niro. This veteran actor who yell-acts his way through current movie roles (see also Al Pacino), was once a legitimate talent. He won Best Supporting Actor in 1974 for The Godfather Part II and Best Actor in 1980 for Raging Bull. These were inarguably great performances in great films. However…
Revocation Worthy: Analyze This and Analyze That could be considered parodies if they weren't so humorless. I'm sorry, but Meet the Parents and especially Meet the Fockers are embarrassing for everyone involved. And just what the hell was he doing in Stardust?!

10. James Cameron. The only director on this list, James Cameron took home an ungodly amount of awards in 1996 for his epic fluff-fest, Titanic. However, I don't think he should have been rewarded for this in the first place. Seriously. Take his awards away. Have you seen it lately? Kate Winslet and a talented supporting cast aside (Billy Zane!) Titanic really sucks. If you ask me, his Terminator films and Aliens were the only award worthy films in the Cameron Oeuvre.
Revocation Worthy: Titanic.

X-Posted from the the Reel.

February 19, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Rad Movie Meme!

This is a really rad meme from Maura_F

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.

2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.

3. Post them here for everyone to guess.

4. Looking them up is cheating, you jerks!

1. “Hey! Let's make the wiener kid sing his song!”
2. “I haven't read more than two books in my whole life. One, never finished. And the other is the phone book.”
3. “Now I know I'm pretty. But I ain't as pretty as a couple a titties.”
4. “You must choose. It is like that movie 'Sofie's Choice', only it is Nathan's choice. Do you know that movie, 'Sofie's Choice'? It is like that. Only it is this.” (Fun fact. I was the one who submitted this quote to IMDb.)
5. “It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.”
6. “He has his father's eyes.”
7. “Chuck. Chuck. It's Marvin…your cousin, Marvin BERRY. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well, listen to this.”
8. “Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.”
9. “We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!”
10. “Listen! Forget about the Cheetah!”

Update: Answers in comments!

February 15, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions, Meme Crazy . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

The Return of Cox

I just learned that one of my favorite directors, Alex Cox, is releasing a graphic novel sequel to the 1984 classic film Repo Man!

In the interview, Cox discusses why he was unable to film the sequel and why Otto is now called Waldo, as well as the long-delayed DVD release of Walker and his newest film that will be making the festival rounds. At the end of the article, there are 3 sneak-preview pages from the novel entitled Waldo's Hawaiian Holiday! The art is very reminiscent of a Garth Ennis novel.

All of this makes me very happy.

February 15, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

My Sentiments Exactly

The folks over at Something Awful have perfectly captured what bugs me about Diablo Cody by leaking her new super-secret screenplay, Quotey! THIS is the screenplay that should have been nominated for an Academy Award. Be sure and read every juicy little tidbit, nugget-oleos!

February 14, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Review: Black Book

WWII Just Got a Whole Lot Sexier

Who doesn't love a movie about the Holocaust? I'm sure that's why Paul Verhoeven, the illustrious Dutch director behind Total Recall, Robocop, Starship Troopers and, most importantly, Showgirls, decided to throw his hat into the Third Reich Ring. And I'm glad he did. Black Book while not as powerful and gripping as Roman Polanski's The Pianist or as universally heart-wrenching as Schindler's List, is still not too shabby.

Black Book is the story of Rachel Stein, Jewish woman living in Holland who's attempt to escape German occupation with her family is thwarted by an ambush. She is the only survivor. Left with nothing, she joins the Dutch resistance movement. During an infiltration operation, she falls in (meaning bed, of course) with a German captain. They begin a complicated affair of deceit, espionage and split loyalties. It's also an affair in the traditional sense (i.e. boobies…it's Verhoeven, remember?).

Lest you think me critical of Verhoeven's work, let me clarify. I LOVE this director. His catalog is among my favorites. But you have to admit that while he's known for his biting political and social satires, he usually delivers them with a side of extreme, cartoonish violence and loads of naked, horny ladies. So it's surprising to learn that he's capable of such restraint. Black Book takes its subject seriously and with great reverence for the victims of WWII. It's suspenseful and sad and there are only a handful of scenes that smack of Verhoeven lechery. One could even argue that a Jewish girl trying to hide her identity amongst the German wolves WOULD need to bleach her carpet to match the curtains, much like the protagonist of Europa, Europa must uncircumcise himself in an understandably memorable scene. In fact, all of the casual nudity and sexuality that usually comes off as a little smutty in Verhoeven's American offerings, actually may just be…European.

-Lady Cyanide

Check out Black Book, available for rent right now on ReelTime.com. The rental period ends soon so do it! Do it now! Nothing like a good Holocaust film to get you through the winter…

X-Posted from the the Reel.

February 12, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Film Threat Review: Salim Baba

Originally posted on FilmThreat.com (now defunct).

2008 SUNDANCE SHORT FILM COMPETITION!

Un-rated
15 minutes
Two and a half stars

 

“Salim Baba” tells the story of a 55-year-old Indian man who, following in his father’s footsteps, makes a living piecing together film scraps and playing them on a hand-cranked projector in a portable booth for the neighborhood children. And that’s…well, that’s the whole story. It’s kind of neat, but ultimately forgettable.

Salim talks about taking over the business from his father. He explains to the camera how the projector works in an excruciatingly lengthy segment that would be interesting to a fraction of filmgoers. The most interesting part is when Salim talks about collecting the film scraps from movie houses and, essentially, creating his own stories from them. There are many shots of him pushing his cart and many shots of children’s smiling faces. Don’t get me wrong, I like smiling children. But we get it. His films make poor kids happy which is why it’s tragic that he doesn’t know how much longer he can afford to run the business. We understood that at minute 5.

I’m not heartless. Really. And I’m not blaming Salim. He is truly an interesting character but his story, or at least this aspect of his story, could have been told in half the time. Salim says that he edits his film scraps in order to make a condensed, less boring version of the story. The filmmakers should have heeded the advice of their protagonist.

January 25, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: , . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

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