It Ain't Shakespeare

To distract from the terrible craving for sweets that I am suffering from right now, I decided to transcribe some of the GOD AWFUL poetry that my high school boyfriend wrote. An old friend of mine recently found some xeroxed copies of the stuff and mailed them to me. I wish I had a scanner so you could see his “artistic” handwriting and the way he organized the poems on the page, but you'll just have to make due with the words themselves, in all their teenage angsty glory:

Outcast
I am not blind
Yet I cannot see.
I am not deaf
Yet I cannot hear.
I am not dumb
Yet I cannot speak.
I am not dead
Yet I cannot live.
Enough…
At all…
Goodbye

The Edge
In a box I lay,
Dead myself of independence.
On the edge of my own cliff I lay,
Slipping slowly into the painless void
Which consumes us all.
On the edge of my cheek a tear, it lays
My last pure gift to the world as slowly I do slip
Into the painless sense known only as my mind.
Vertigo…

Fragile
Your heart beats
Makes mine stop.
Your breath of life
I'm out of air.
Your soulful eyes,
My shallow; not full.
Your life goes on
I break.
Crumble…

Advice From a Head in the Middle of the Desert
“Am I real?
I am not…
Are you real?
You are not…
Pain is real…
Is it not?
Pain is life.

Wilted
(For Jess)
A sun with no heat
A mirror with no reflection
Eyes with no sight
A heart with no love
A life with no soul
Without her I am nothing.

A tree in the desert
As I am compared
A sun in one's sky
As she will always be
A tree withers with dark eternal
As I am compared
Without her I am nothing.
Nothing.

PS: He also played guitar and admittedly fancied himself the next Kurt Cobain. His friends all told him he was super talented. They probably thought he was. Everyone I hung out with at the time were wankers, myself included.

Obviously, he was kind of depressed, but don't feel for him because he dumped me. Even after writing me such a touching ode.

IBS Be-Gone!: Day Three

I woke up today remarkably clear-headed for having had three LARGE vodkas at trivia last night. (I would like to congratulate team Dirty Water Wiener and The Krauts for pulling out the third place spot despite having fared miserably on a round that was comprised entirely of David Caruso questions. WHAT?!)

Thankfully, the headache is gone. I am definitely still addicted to caffeine and plan to make myself another cup of sugarless tea in a minute. I feel OK. I did swoon a little when walking through a cloud of Top Pot Donut aroma on my way into the office. However, I think this kind of thing will level out over time.

There are many challenges to this program, but one of the biggest I've noticed is the expense. I know there are people who eat like this all the time. The Madison Market was FULL of them last night. (And, as Brugos pointed out, they all looked like homeless zombies). But how can they afford it? Well, one theory is that they save money by wearing rags or making their own clothes out of hemp. But seriously, I've spend $70 on groceries in the last 3 days. This does include $25 for the probiotics and $12 for a good multi-vitamin. But this is only a month's supply. The food I bought will only last me through the week. Luckily, I have a little cash in the piggy bank, otherwise, I simply couldn't afford to get better. And what of people who make less than me? (And, while I am by no means well off, I do not make minimum wage). A large portion of the population has no CHOICE but to eat Wonder Bread and Jiff instead of whole grain bread and Adam's peanut butter. Fresh vegetables are twice as much as a can. Statistically, one in 5 people, in ANY tax bracket, I assume, has IBS. I garauntee you that IF they have health insurance, it doesn't cover probiotics treatment. It's hard not to complain about depriving myself of the bad food I'm addicted to, but I'm damned lucky I can afford to try and make myself better.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: Grits with milk, seasoned with salt and pepper. Cup of tea with milk.

Later, I had another cup of tea.

Lunch: Fresh rolls wrapped in rice paper from Whole Foods, sans delicious Thai peanut sauce. Rice cake with peanut butter. A couple of pieces of jicama

Snack: Apple slices with cheddar cheese. Cup of tea with milk.

After work, Brugos and I went to the Madison Market. Shopping there at 6:00 sucks because it is packed and people block up the aisles, making it difficult to navigate. By the time we got to the store, I was starving and low in blood-sugar so I was feeling pretty shaky. I just wanted to grab something and get out but I was thwarted with that ever-present sugar ingredient at every turn. Finally, I found some corn tortillas, grabbed some veggies, and we escaped the Co-Op Zombie Hell.

Snack: (Consumed while making dinner because I just couldn't wait any longer) Rice cake with peanut butter.

Dinner: (Which Brugos kindly ate with me) Quesadillas with organic corn tortillas, red pepper, onion, shitake mushrooms and cheddar. Salsa and sour cream on the side.

At Clever Dunne's, I smuggled in a 100% Cranberry juice and ordered glasses of vodka on the rocks from the bar. At Clever Dunne's, a glass FULL of vodka is $3.50. I love that place.

Naturally, by the time trivia was over, I was hungry again. On our way out, I ordered a veggie dog from the new hot dog cart that's parked outside. The man who owns this cart is a genius. Clever Dunnes and the neighboring Crescent don't serve any food and are packed with drunks 7 nights a week. To have veggie dogs as well is just covering his bases. He doesn't have any cream cheese, but he does have NACHO CHEEESE! I can't eat that right now, but a month from now, you can bet I am going to be scarfing a nacho cheese dog. So…

Late Night Snack: Veggie Dog from hot dog cart with mustard, sans bun.

IBS Be-Gone!: Day Two

I woke up this morning with a headache. I was extremely dehydrated, despite having had a couple of big glasses of water before going to bed. In general, I drink a lot of water so I don't know if the probiotics are using the water or if it's something to do with the sugar withdrawal.

And yes, I think I must be going through some major sugar withdrawal that will only get worse. I am still light-headed and my headache hasn't really gone away, though it's gotten better after downing ungodly amounts of water.

Being the carbophile that I am, it's hard enough to avoid yeast, but the sugar is going to be the real rooster in the hen house here. There is sugar in EVERYTHING. I wasn't even careful enough when shopping yesterday. I grabbed a couple of cans of soup that I know to be vegetarian, without looking at the labels. When I got them home, I realised they had sugar in them. Lentil soup and split pea, I can't eat you. Luckily, I can still eat my organic tomato and my organic corn chowder, but NOT my Progresso roasted tomato. I venture to guess that Progresso (and probably all of those major canned soup brands) have sugar in them.

As I'm typing, I notice I'm making a lot more errors than usual. I also seem to keep adding superfluous E's to the ends of words. Naturally, I'm correcting as I go, but I am having a great deal of difficulty concentrating. I think my brain is jonesing for a sugar rush.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: Bowl of cheerios with milk and banana. Cup of tea with milk.

I now know that this was cheating in a big way. I ate the cheerios (low in sugar) before I confirmed that I am not allowed to eat ANY sugar. Also, bananas are on the high end of the sugar spectrum as far as fruits are concerned. I think this is OK though, because I ate breakfast before I bought the probiotcs. So, technically, my diet started at lunch.

Lunch: Salad with baby greens, tomatoes, mozzarella and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. 2 organic frozen black bean tacos with fresh Whole Foods salsa.

I was ready for my afternoon snack MUCH earlier than normal. Nothing I ate seemed to really fill me up.

Snack: Jicima and 4 yeast-free, organic crackers.

Dinner: Red potatoes, red peppers, garlic and tomatoes cooked in olive oil. Two rice cakes with Adam's creamy peanut butter. (I have a feeling I am going to be eating a lot of these.) A glass of milk.

Snack: (Because by 8:00, I was starving again) A few bites of the rice I made to bring to work today.

My saving grace here will be the fact that I can still eat low-sugar fruits. Apparently, the naturally occurring sugar is good for the probiotics. But I'm not allowed to overdo it. Most of my favorite fruits are, of course, high in sugar and therefore off the menu. No bananas, oranges (or orange juice) or pineapples.

I can have grapefruit, cranberries, raspberries (and all-natural raspberry jam!!), blueberry, blackberries, peaches and apples. But only in moderation. Moderation is tough for me in almost every aspect of my life.

I do have a plan for the drinking, however. I will be smuggling cranberry juice into bars because I'm fairly certain most places only serve that from-concentrate frankenjuice. I can also have martinis without the vermouth. (Yes, even vermouth has sugar in it!) So I won't have to be giving up all my vices at once.

IBS Be-Gone!: Day One

I decided to keep a record of my progress on my probiotics diet.

First, a little background: I developed IBS about 2 years ago. At the time, it seemed to arrive out of nowhere. I saw a G.I., who very helpfully told me that it happens to a lot of women around my age, there's no cure and it may go away one day as quickly as it arrived. OR it may never go away. Regardless, I can take some over-the-counter meds and I should be fine.

I bought these meds. They helped a little. I sought some more natural remedies. They worked better. Regardless, I still HAD to take these meds, in conjunction, every day or I would not be able to go normally. Even WITH the meds, I would still have alternating bouts of diarrhea and constipation. They always seemed to come at inopportune times, though I don't know when an opportune time to have these problems is.

I was concerned about having to take meds every day and wondered what they were doing to my system. I called the G.I. He said it was fine. Nothing to worry about. I asked my OBGYN. She also said it was “probably” nothing to worry about.

Flash forward two years later, I am still having these issues, still taking the meds every day, and the pain when I have problems has gotten worse. I have also seen some blood. I was getting ready to go on a whirlwind tour of Seattle G.I.s and, possibly even a naturopath when Brugos' friend Joey saw me taking my meds and asked me about them.

She told me she had the same problem several years ago. She developed this problem after a year of having taken antibiotics. For me, this triggered a memory. I had an unusual number of UTIs the year before developing IBS and had taken a lot of antibiotics for them.

She went on a treatment of probiotics (the opposite of ANTI! HA!) and had eliminated sugar and yeast for a month. This had re-developed the bacteria necessary for normal digestion into her body and she hasn't had a problem since.

I jumped all over the prospect of being rid of this issue. No sugar or yeast will be a nightmare for me, especially since I don't eat meat, but I am willing to try anything once if it means having a normal digestive system once again.

So here I am, Day One. I haven't had any sugar or yeast in almost 24 hours now. I am feeling a bit light-headed and kind of hungry. I am going to the store after work to stock up on beans, potatoes, low-sugar fruits and nuts. I may lose some weight over the course of this month. Especially since I can't drink wine, beer or cocktails either.

It's about to get weird. But, hopefully, it's for the best.

Weekend Recap

FRIDAY

After pre-cleansing our bodies with a nice, big salad, B. and I attended a wine and cheese party at his friend's house. We were both still a bit rough-around-the-edges from having gone out the night before so we didn't last too long, but we managed to socialize till a respectable 12:45, before heading home to bed.

SATURDAY

Too much cheese + IBS = pain. I woke up in the middle of the night with my tummy not very happy with me. The problem continued to plague me throughout the day. Regardless, I was able to be out and about. We brunched at my favorite restaurant (food-wise…not as much atmosphere), The Vegetarian Bistro. The other attendees seemed dubious but agreed to try all-veg dim sum because the meat-loving B. attested to its deliciousness. They all seemed to be pretty happy with the outcome, apart from Darsh who was mortified to discover the abundance of mushrooms in everything.

Next, Andrea drove Brugos and me to the opening of the Sculpture Park. It was a lovely day and we wanted to be outside. This was the best idea we had for doing so. The park was pretty neat, but also packed with people (and guys in dog suits schilling for Target). It will be nice to go back once the fanfare has died down.

We returned to my apartment to rest and pick up some movies for Brad's DVD night. I chose 6 titles from which the group could decide at a later date.

The bus to Wallingford took forever and my stomach was not happy enough to allow me to walk very far. We finally arrived with enough time to play some Cattan before everyone else got there. Brugos cleaned up this particular island.

The Brit Boys, and Elle arrived, and later Justin and Steve and some people who's names I can't remember. We ended up officially watching “Cannibal! The Musical” and “Brain Candy” and unofficially watching parts of “Bloodrayne” and “Jaws 3” on TV. Later, I slept through most of “Bubba Ho-Tep” on TV. By then, my stomach was taking no prisoners and it hurt to move.

We thankfully got a ride home from Elle at 2am and said goodbye to the Brit Boys, who were very fun to hang out with.

SUNDAY

The medicine kicked in and I woke up with my stomach issues all but (temporarily) taken care of. I was given some great advice from Brugos' friend, however, on how to possibly cure my problem. I am starting a month-long pro-biotics/no sugar or yeast diet. It's going to be very difficult but will hopefully re-balance my system and get rid of this IBS once and for all.

ANYWHO, after breakfast and loads of sitting around, we organized a little game night with the Boobergs and the Brunswicks. We hopped on a bus to the Hill and picked up some ice cream and wine for my last meal of sorts. The Boobergs brought over some delicious brownies as well.

We played Apples to Apples, Uno and Dominoes. I had never played Dominoes, other than to set them up and knock them down. It was actually pretty fun, even though it's centered around luck-of-the-draw and quick math: two things I'm patently lousy at.

The Brigadoon of Gay Bars

Since 2/3 of our trivia team were otherwise indisposed, Roxy and I decided to do a mini pub crawl last night. We started at Tango. I'd tried to go there once before on a Friday, but it was too crowded. During Happy Hour, time's a wastin', so you can't afford to wait for a seat at one establishment. We'd abandoned the notion in lieu of the Honey Hole.

We found that Happy Hour at Tango on a Tuesday was doable. In retrospect, it's Friday popularity had done us a favor. Tango lacks atmosphere and the food is all pretension with little payoff.

We finished our weak, overpriced drinks and bolted to the Honey Hole to catch the last 30 minutes of their happy hour. We polished off a couple of $3 martinis and a plate of Gilroy Chips. We'd ordered twice as much at the Honey Hole as we'd done at Tango and our bill was still cheaper. Tango sucks.

When trying to decide where to go next, I'd remembered an awesome gay bar around the corner from Chop Suey that Meep and I had killed some time in about a year ago. It was called Martin's. On the night that Meep and I had gone, they were playing some GOOD 80's music (Hall and Oates and New Order, as opposed to Love Shack) on the juke box. Men were dancing their hearts out everywhere. The bartender was on ROLLER SKATES and he was wearing an orange vest with no shirt, hot pants and a goddamned yellow hard hat. Naturally, he had a mustache. A very drunk gay man told me and Meep that we were beautiful. We drank our beers and reveled in the, well, revelry. EVERYONE in this bar was having a blast. It was as if someone was making a movie and wanted to create the most fun gay bar stereotype they could. It was glorious. We had to leave after one beer because we were meeting our men folk and we knew that they wouldn't be interested in such a scene. But for us, it was perfect and we vowed to come back when we were again without our boyfriends.

I told this to Roxy. She had never been inside Martin's. She seemed surprised that it was like that inside. We walked up to the door. Through the window, I could see that it was dark inside. This was certainly in contrast to the brightly lit bar I'd remembered, but I proceeded to open the door anyway. A few steps inside the door, I could hardly recognize the place. The juke box was gone. There was no dancing. I'm not even sure there was music playing. If there was, it was at a subliminal volume and was certainly not an 80's classic. Everyone was sitting down at intimate tables talking quietly. There was a fireplace. The decor was dark and boring. The place looked like a ski lodge. We backed out the door slowly and cautiously and ended our night at the more consistent Twilight Exit.

I was floored. What had happened? And how long ago? Did the Martin's that Meep and I had loved so dearly for one night even exist? Or had we stumbled into some alternate dimension that we will find again? Perhaps our Martin's was the Brigadoon of gay bars: For one magical night every 100 years, you can visit it, but you'd better live it up and leave before last call, or you'll be trapped. When you reemerge, everyone you love will be long dead.

Thank you, Martin's, for letting me and Meep be a part of your fleeting magic.

Weekend Recap – Half-Assed Edition

FRIDAY

B. and I supped at the Rendezvous and then met the Brunswicks for a screening of Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. None of us had read the book which apparently has quite the cult following. We all agreed that aspects of the film were very interesting and it was beautiful to look at, but overall, it was kind of tedious. Even a film with the world's largest orgy couldn't get us excited about it. Ah well.

SATURDAY

I DDRd the breakfast calories away and then wandered around Broadway for a bit before meeting Roxy at Liberty for sushi and lemondrops (not as good as Andy's lethal lemondrops the week before).

Roxy and I then got some snacks and caught a ride to the 4A house with Jon and Emily. We caught the end of an EPIC Seahawks VS. Cowboys game on TV (which Brugos was attending) and played some poker. All night, I played better than I ever have before. I came out $2 richer in the end. Brugos showed up about an hour after the game ended. He was drunk. I was drunk. Everyone was drunk. We played Jenga. We danced. The next thing I knew, it was 1:30 and time for bed.

SUNDAY

I helped B. pack for CES by approving outfits and showing him some ironing tips. We watched more Thundercats (which we have been immersing ourselves in for a few weeks now. It's like nacho cheese. It's terrible and you KNOW it's not good for you, but you just can't stop). B. called a cab to the airport and I headed back to the Hill.

I met Erin for dinner at Polermo. I gave her her Christmas present and she gave me several terrible (but probably fun) movies including “Snakes on a Train and this movie which happens to star Paul Rudd and Stephen Dorff who are two actors I will sit through ANYTHING for. Yes!

Weekend Recap – New Years

All told, a lovely, relaxing long weekend. Happy Ought Seven!

FRIDAY

I brought some Thai food over to Meep’s and we opened Christmas presents. I got one thing that I've really needed for a while: a mortar and pestle. I also got a cute book about a hippo and a turtle who are lifelong friends, and a dancing pig i-pod speaker! It was a whole pile of adorable. Thanks, Meep!

After that, I convinced her and Scrapps to come with me downtown to meet B. and some Amazonians at the Lava Lounge. They were mid-shuffleboard tournament with (a guy who looked like) an aggro Morgan Spurlock. Brugos was wound up from 3 drinks on a empty stomach and was dancing. It was cute. Meep and Scrapps played a round versus me and Alex. I was playing better than I ever had before. It turns out, contrary to popular belief, that shuffleboard is one of those games that is easier to play when you aren't drunk. Meep had some pretty impressive shots in there as well. I would have liked to continue to play with Meep and Scrapps, but aggro Spurlock returned from smoking and demanded, since he'd won the previous game, that he be incorporated into the next game. Somehow, I ended up on his team against Alex and B. “Don't throw the game just because you're sleeping with this guy!” he yelled at me. I assured him I wouldn't. He continued to yell at me whenever B. and I would interact. He wasn't a BAD shuffleboard player, but he did mess up a few shots by being, well, aggro, and shaking the table.

We won that game, and I wanted to be on Brugos' team for the next one because, frankly, my team mate was a bit annoying. But he wouldn't let me. So we played another game, and Alex and Brugos won. I was relieved.

Meep and Scrapps’ friend arrived and we all relocated to Shorty's briefly, so that some of the Amazonians could check out the new room. B. and I played some Medieval Madness.

Thanks to Meep, I was able to talk B. out of going to Ozzie's, opting instead to try a new tiki bar called “Hula” wherein you could buy drinks served in plastic coconuts. Meep and Scrapps stayed behind at Shorty's, and the rest of us piled into a car and drove to Queen Anne.

We were met, at Hula, by the Brunswicks. It's still a relatively new place so it wasn't that crowded. The atmosphere was a little strange. It was a bit too dark in there. But, at Meep’s suggestion, I ordered the Chewbacca along with some plantain chips (which were delicious). B. got a pork sandwich. I would like to go there again one day when we're not all so tired and before it becomes overrun with Queen Anne regulars.

SATURDAY

The plan was to work our way to Brugos' via Fremont so that we could pick up the Catan game we'd left at Elyse's on Christmas Eve. We stopped at the Fluevog store downtown to see if I could utilize the gift certificate that Brugos had given me for Christmas. Turns out shoes at the Fluevog store are ridiculously expensive. They have a lot of stuff I liked, though, so I'm certain that one day I will be able to score some boots on sale. I just need to keep checking the website.

The next stop was Fremont for lunch Blue C Sushi. This is by far my favorite sushi in all of Seattle. The novelty of the conveyor belt aside, they have LOADS of veggie options (unlike Sushiland in Queen Anne) and everything is usually delicious.

Unfortunately, Elyse's phone was dead, so we were unable to get a hold of her to pick up Catan. We still managed to satiate our hankering for Settling by going to the House of Fun to play with Brad.

Eventually, we made our way back to B.’s, having walked the whole way. This walk is MUCH less daunting when you get to make stops along the way.

We made some food and then the Brunswicks arrived to play games. Since we were Catan-less, we decided, instead, to play Star Wars Monopoly. This is the same as regular monopoly except you buy the Millennium Falcon instead of the Pennsylvania Railroad and the Mos Eisley Cantina instead of State Avenue. It was quite fun and it didn't last for 5 hours because of B’s way of playing. The rest of us had never traded properties before. This way, everyone can have monopolies and get started buying houses and hotels with which to ream the unlucky people who land on them. Roxy creamed us all.

We didn't feel like playing another game or going out so we finished out the night by watching The Warriors, which I also got for Christmas from my fella.

SUNDAY

We puttered around the house for a while. Eventually, we headed back to my place so I could pick up my dress for the evening. Brugos looked quite fetching himself in a black dress shirt, tie, and Punisher belt buckle. We dropped some champagne and snacks off at the Boobergs and then killed some time playing Karaoke Revolution at Brugos' before catching the bus to the 4A house. They had a lovely cheese and veggie spread waiting for us. We also helped Andy create the perfect lemon drop ratio this job got me tipsy fairly quickly. The rest of our time there went by very fast. It might have also had something to do with the tequila shots that Arsenio was doling out.

B.’s friend showed up with some guy. I talked to Jon about David Lynch and some other guy about the Sci Fi network and Dr. Who. B’s friend hit on Amy, not taking “I'm gay” for an answer. Then we all piled into Mana's car and headed to the Boobergs for the fireworks and poker.

The fireworks were kind of lackluster, but the company (and Boozer's shirt) were great. Boozer cleaned up at poker. The last game lasted for a long time. It probably had a little to do with the passing around of the Longbottom Leaf. We finally vacated the Booberg's at 3:30.

MONDAY

We woke up nice and late. After breakfast and a mini Thundercats marathon (Brugos and I have been watching Season 1. Thundercats is the most ridiculous cartoon EVER MADE. But it is also strangely addictive.) we headed back to Ravenna to Settle some more Catan with Brad. After an exhausting couple of games, Brugos and I were in need of more relaxing, so we watched Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (starring David Hasslehoff and Lisa Rena) and Tombstone on On Demand. The first, neither of us had seen. I think I enjoyed it a little bit more than Brugos did. It was appropriately silly and at LEAST as good as Fantastic 4. Brugos had never seen Tombstone before. Man, remember when Val Kilmer was talented? I'd also forgotten that Tombstone was basically a character actor yearbook. It hadn't registered that Cy Tolliver and Trixie from Deadwood were in it. And Jason Priestly, who isn't a character actor as such, but I kind of love him. I recommend a little indie film called Coldblooded in which he plays a low-key hit man. It was written and directed by Simpson's writer and Wes Anderson pal, Wallace Wolodarsky. Oh, and Tombstone also features your friend Billy Zane, who is riveting as usual.

WEEKEND RECAP

FRIDAY

I hadn't been feeling well all day due to lack of sleep and the onset of a cold. I thought perhaps I could power through the evening though. Andrew was in town and this was the only night he was available to hang out. I left work early and met Andrew, Brugos, Alex, Elyse and another Amazonian at the Nite Lite. It was lovely there. It's usually warmly lit and inviting, but they had gone all out with the Christmas decorations. Ordinarily, I find Christmas decorations gaudy, but these were tasteful, fun and made me happy. I had a couple of greyhounds and put some songs on the juke. Andrew suspected that I would give him something for Christmas (I made banana bread) so he picked me up a bizarre karate baby statuette from China Town. Love it.

When we left the Nite Lite, it was dinner time, so we went to Ohana to take advantage of the happy hour specials. I ordered a Blue Hawaiian, which was probably the beginning of the end for me. Those things are not weak. Andrew and Alex ordered the Pu-Pu Platter, which is worth mentioning because it's a PU-PU PLATTER.

Next, we met Faye and the Whiskey. Things were starting to go downhill for me at the point. I was operating on too little sleep and too much alcohol. I probably should have gone home then, but I stuck with it. And, of course, had more drinks. It was too late to stop at that point.

It was on to Shorty's…which, apparently doubled in size when we weren't looking! There was a whole other room hidden behind the pinball machines. Now it's an additional bar and more seating. And proper bathrooms with multiple stalls. Fantastic! I locked myself in one of the stalls and contemplated what I should do. Eventually, I concluded that I should leave. IMMEDIATELY. I said some hurried goodbyes and, aware that a bus trip would have been hell on earth for everyone involved, poured myself into a cab and headed to Ravenna, where my Tobe and I were spending the weekend.

I put on my jammies, drank several glasses of water, and plopped onto the couch. 10 minutes into Lost Highway, I was out. I woke up at 2:30 to a DVD menu. I should mention it was only about 10 when I got home. That's what happens when your night (that you shouldn't even be having) starts at 3pm. I drug myself upstairs and slept for another hour. When I woke up again, it occurred to me that Brugos still wasn't home, so I texted him to make sure he wasn't dead, and then went back to sleep.

SATURDAY

Oh how lovely it is to sleep in and have little to no responsibilities. I made egg nog french toast for breakfast (which didn't taste that much different than regular french toast). We sat around, watched some Carnivale Season 2, and decided what to do with our day. Brugos gave me some early Christmas presents, in case we got bored: Total Recall, T2, and the Warriors. AWESOME.

We needed to go to the grocery store and Brugos also decided he should buy the Catan game expansion for Wade. As much as it pained us, it seemed like we needed to go to…the mall. The day before Christmas Eve.

We drove the back way to the mall to avoid I-5. The parking lot was appropriately hectic. We parked in the first spot we found and walked into the food court to find me a snack. An Orange Julius (the American Mall's only saving grace) hit the spot. We then hit Toys R Us.

Their board game section was tiny. There was no Catan expansion set. There was no Catan period. Just a lot of stupid looking board games. Even then, the selection was limited. We wondered what Toys R Us sells these days if not games. I guess the kids won't play a game anymore unless it's electronic.

I called Elyse to find out where she bought Catan for Wade. She directed us to a small game store near Ballard. Since we were there already, we decided to stop at Archie McPhee's to browse for some other small gifts for people. I saw one of our trivia hosts there. Was he buying gifts for friends and family or stocking up on crap to give away at trivia?

Our last stop was the grocery store which was surprisingly calm. The Asian checker lady at the QFC by Brugos' house recognizes me and likes to tease me.

When we got back to the house, we heated up a pizza and watched some more Carnivale. A bit later, Roxy came over (Rocko was sick) and we played a rousing game of Catan followed by Scrabble. Roxy took off and we watched a little more Carnivale before going to bed.

SUNDAY

We had another leisurely morning of breakfast and watching Total Recall with the Verhoeven/Schwarzenegger audio commentary. Hilarious. Arnold constantly talks about how much fun he had making out with Sharon Stone and makes very cheesy jokes. Verhoeven always helpfully explains what's “reality” and what's the “Rekall fantasy” and how the film is constantly working on TWO LEVELS. He also likes to mention Robocop and Starship Troopers a lot. He says “Rrrrrrobocup”.

After the movie, we started cooking. I began to prepare my first of THREE puddings that I would be bringing to Elyse's Christmas Eve Pot Luck. This was not entirely intentional. I knew I wanted to make bread pudding and I also wanted to make a sweet potato dish. I happened to have a good recipe for Sweet Potato Pudding. The third dish was a box of Figgy Pudding that my mom sent me. If I didn't bring that to the pot luck, I would never eat it. So…three puddings.

Brugos watched the Seahawks game and made his cinnamon rolls which take a long time but are definitely worth it. I made several sauces including a glaze for the cinnamon rolls. I found it funny that everything I made had booze in in. No, mama wasn't sneaking sips. But it seemed like I should have been.

Tobe and Lucy were getting along fine. This means that Lucy wasn't hissing at Tobe and, in fact, they were in the same room on several occasions. Tobe, of course, is unaffected by everything. He quickly became comfortable at the house. He loves padding around and checking out the nooks and crannies. Occasionally, he'll tease Lucy by following her. I love that they both seem so comfortable. Brugos' roommate was gone for the weekend, having taken the dog with him. I think that Lucy is just glad that Tobe isn't a dog.

We finished cooking in time to shower and drive to Elyse's. We arrived to find Wade sawing away at the cooked Christmas Goose. I immediately began to simmer my spices for my experimental Mulled Sangria. I'd made Mulled Wine for Brugos' Christmas Poker Party the week before and it was tasty but virtually non-alcoholic. I guess that even without boiling, the wine had lost it's potency. So I decided to add less water, and use rum instead of brandy. It worked out quite nicely. I thought it was a tastier drink, easier to sip slowly and definitely had more of a kick.

There were many delicious dishes at the pot luck. Unfortunately, several people couldn't make it, so there was too much food. However, having too much food is certainly a holiday tradition. Borg brought some awesome mexi-egg rolls. Another guy brought some competing cinnamon rolls. Elyse's friend, Andrea, (whom she had talked about for ages but we'd never met) brought Mexican Chocolate Pudding. (Yes. MORE pudding!)

Wade made fresh goose liver patte. Obviously, I didn't try it, but it received rave reviews. I was fascinated by the goose which produced a large jar of bloody fat. Wade put the jar in the fridge. He plans to cook with it. I took a picture.

We gorged ourselves on delicious food and then sat down to watch the first of two bizarre Christmas Specials: Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. I had never seen this but it was apparently a childhood tradition for both Elyse's and Andrea's families. It came out a year before I was born. Elyse and I are the same age. I loved the Muppets as a kid. Still do. I'm not sure how I missed it.

Anyway, it's a pretty rad little film. The Riverbottom Nightmare band song rocks. They sound like Spinal Tap. My favorite character was Dr. Bullfrog. He is a dapper frog who owns a restaurant. The ending was something you wouldn't see in a kids film these days: Neither Emmet or his mother win the talent competition. They are still poor. But they realise that it was the thought that counts and that love is the most important thing at Christmas time. Also, Dr. Bullfrog lets them sing at his restaurant.

After the movie, we watched the blooper reel which was hilarious. Making Muppet movies must have been the most amazing job ever.

Next, we got appropriately fuzzy headed and put in the Star Wars Holiday Special. Elyse had seen it before at my house with the sound off. I was the only one who had seen the whole thing with audio. It's probably the most fucked up hour and a half of network television in history. The best part of the copy I have is that it still has most of the commercials. Commercials in 1978 (the year of my birth) were SO MUCH DIFFERENT than they are now. They are full of blue-color Americans eating McDonalds and talking about their jobs at the auto factory. Women buy panty hose and sing about looking for the Union Label. Whirlpool has a serious ad featuring a soaring bald eagle that talks about how important it is to them that they provide quality products to America. Every jingle is original, not a co-opted pop song. The only celebrity in the ads was Reggie Jackson selling his candy bar. Commercials may seem irritating to us now, but they really are a snapshot of America during the time they occurred air. With TiVo gaining so much popularity, we won't have this for much longer.

It's hard for me to talk about the special itself. It's just…something else. The best part is Bea Arthur. She owns the Mos Eisley Cantina and sings a song to get her patrons to leave. Did you know the song in the Mos Eisley Cantina had lyrics? So does the main Star Wars theme. An obviously coked-out Cary Fisher sings that one. Harrison Ford looks like he wants to die. mark Hammil looks like he's been hanging out too much with Cary Fisher. Most of the special is Chewbacca's family hanging out, speaking Wookie and hitting things. There are no subtitles. They are just speaking Wookie. It's astounding.

After the Special, we talked about the commercials. Borg and Andrea took off and the remaining 5 broke out the Catan expansion set. We played a very good game in which Wade took us all by surprise. Around this time, I was feeling pretty crappy. I had been sneezing all day but it was escalating since I'd been out of the house. Brugos and I left around midnight.

MONDAY

Christmas! I woke feeling pretty fuzzy headed and stuffy. We made breakfast and set about opening gifts. Brugos' parents gave me a necklace with a black pearl pendant. It's very pretty. I wish I was more inclined to wear jewelry. I will wear it on New Years Eve.

Brugos gave me a gift certificate to a shoe store in which I'd remarked about the shoes in the window. This was a very thoughtful gift. I need some new casual boots that aren't wintery. The boots I'd seen in the window of the store were really cool but they were high heeled. Hopefully they will have something similar that won't send me falling to my death.

I gave Brugos his favorite movie of all time, a book and some other stuff.

We sat around in our jammies and watched more Carnivale. Not sure why we're continuing with the Carnivale. The creator had planned a 6 season story arc. He learned too late that the show was canceled and wasn't able to tie up anything. We are asking for a lot of dangling story lines. It will be like watching TV's Lost but with better actors.

It was a beautiful day so we decided to go for a walk. I was feeling pretty ill still so we couldn't go too far, but the fresh air did feel nice in my lungs.

We got back to the house and watched some more Carnivale before heading out to pick up Gene and go to the Rickshaw. It was very crowded. The bar was full of serious-looking blue collar types and, for some reason, rockabilly folks. The karaoke host apparently brought a large group of friends out. We got our songs in early but still had to wait till after midnight to sing our second numbers. This may have been the biggest crowd I've ever sang too. Brugos and I decided to do songs we knew well on account of the caliber of talent in the room. Everyone looked like they would be too cool for karaoke and then would get up and rock it. All but one guy who was either being the most ironic man on Earth or else didn't know that striped cable knit sweaters, white jeans and bushy mustaches were SO NOT SEXY. (Well, bushy mustaches can be sexy, but not on that guy, and certainly not in conjunction with the outfit). He pissed off the host by messing with her sound board. She cut him off and banned him from singing.

Gene was awesome with T-Rex and Blue Oyster Cult. Brugos did “China Girl” (which is probably his best song) and Cult of Personality. I did Build Me Up Buttercup and I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone. A bald, tattooed man spoting an ungodly amount of eyeliner sang Jeff Buckley. He sounded beautiful. It was an evening full of surprises like that.

I wasn't feeling great so we left immediately after Gene sang his last song. Gene stayed on with his lady friend.

T'was a good Christmas. Mostly because it didn't feel like Christmas. If all holidays were like that, I could really get into them.

NEXT WEEKEND: New Years Eve. What I'm doing is a mystery.

A Word of Warning

My miracle cure whenever I've felt a cold coming on has long been to shoot some Nyquil and retire to bed early. Apparently, this backfires if you have any sort of anxiety on your mind. Last night was such a night for me. In retrospect, it may still have worked if I'd taken more than the recommended dosage. But, as I only took the suggested amount, the anxiety (and the equally restless cat in the bedroom) fought off the Nyquil coma. When I finally did fall asleep, I had an astoundingly realistic nightmare. So realistic, in fact, that when I woke up (crying), it took me several minutes to realize that it had been only a dream. This was a far cry from the pleasantly bizarre fever dreams Nyquil usually induces. It was difficult to get back to sleep after that.

The good news is that, lack of sleep aside, I did seem to stave off the impending cold. The bad news is that I otherwise feel and look like hell. I contemplated staying home from work, but, as I've only been working here 3 months and have already called in sick twice (albeit for legitimate reasons), I decided against it. Sitting here at my desk, a ghostly version of myself (in appearance and demeanor), I am beginning to regret that decision. I only hope I can pull it together to see Andrew for his One-Night Only appearance.

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