A Review for a Movie I Haven't Seen

I haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. But I don't think I need to. For one thing, every review has said it's awful. Worse than the second one. Let's go back in time…

It's 2003 and, being a person who is a fan of Johnny Depp, (when I was 8, I wanted to be a professional narc because of his role on 21 Jump Street) and of pirates in general and who has friends with happy childhood memories of the ride at Disney Land, I go see Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. I have low expectations. My friends have low expectations. We may or may not be sneaking beer into the movie theatre. We are pleasantly surprised. The film isn't half bad. It's actually kind of good. And we're pretty sure it's not just the beer talking. The rest of America agrees with us. The movie is a huge hit.

Now it's 2006 and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is in theatres. I am less interested to see this one. Sequels are often horrible failures. Nonetheless, I see the film with much of the same group as in 2003. This time, there is no beer. I think this is only marginally responsible for why I LOATHE it. My companions also loathe it. We agree that it is aimless and cartoonish. For 2 and a half hours, Keira Knightly obnoxiously harrumphes around, Johnny Depp acts like Wile E. Coyote and peach-fuzz-faced Orlando Bloom whisper-acts in tights. The special effects are indeed grand but do not disguise the fact that there is no plot to speak of. There are at least 20 minutes of film that do not need to be there at all.

I see the movie AGAIN with my boyfriend who could not make it the first time. That's love for you. This time there is (maybe) beer, but it doesn't help. It is still so much worse the second time. I believe this is because every second I know exactly how much longer I have to sit there and endure this atrocity. My boyfriend agrees that it is awful but we aren't the sort of people who leave movie theatres. When it is finally over, I vow that I will not see the third one. I was raised Catholic so I have a background in self-inflicted suffering, but I think even Jesus would agree that this is just too much.

This does NOT look good.

Back to the future! My very sweet boyfriend who loves pirates and has a faulty memory wants to see At World's End. My knee-jerk response is a violent outburst of “Eff no!” followed by a more controlled “I mean, you can go see it with your friends but I don't really care to see it myself.” He admits that the reviews all say it's terrible. Worse than the second. And longer. LONGER. Forget Hell. In Sunday School, they should just teach kids that if they're bad, they will be sentenced to an eternity watching Gore Verbinski director's cuts. My boyfriend may still see it. He may not. He and I both know it will suck. AMERICA knows it will suck. The WORLD knows it will suck. The title: At World's End may or may not be a portend for the Apocalypse. The world will see it anyway. I tried to warn you.


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