I know that, as usual, America probably won’t agree with me on this point, but “Hancock” is not very good. It COULD have been good. It was certainly a cool concept: Reluctant superhero with amnesia drifts through life bungling rescues and generally being disliked until he somehow becomes motivated to improve. Even the Soderbergh-esque docu-style filming COULD have been cool. But it was too noticeable, taking us out of the story every time the camera “artfully” refocused or got all up in someone’s nose.

Charlize Theron usually puts forth a decent performance, but in this case she could have been any ho-hum blonde actress playing the wife of a do-gooder PR man with SECRETS. Even when her much foreshadowed mystery is revealed, she doesn’t get any deeper. Instead, they substitute character development with lots and lots of dark eyeliner. Sam Raimi already tried this.

Jason Bateman, playing the aforementioned PR man, is also squandered. He is known for excelling in the awkward reaction shot arena. But here, they keep the camera far away from him during the moments that count and instead stick them into Will Smith’s constant “Whatchoo Talking About Willis” mug.

Most of the jokes are juvenile and repeated ad nauseam. I liked the old “insult triggering violence” gag better the first 100 times I saw it in the Back to the Future movies. I can’t for the life of me figure out why that one kid has a French accent. Is it ONLY so that he can be named Michel? So that for 5 minutes it sounds like Jason Bateman’s son is being beaten up by a girl? I bet that it is. And it’s a crappy joke. In fact, the whole movie seems to be suffering from some sort of an identity crisis. As a comedy, it’s not very funny. As a sci-fi drama, it’s lazy. The big twist is hinted at for too long and then rushed so that the big smashy ending can happen.

Also, (SPOILER ALERT) why is it that people who are supposedly hundreds of years old talk like they are from…I don’t know…modern day WEST PHILADELPHIA?(End Spoiler).

Every good idea in this film is half-assed. Allegedly, the script was floating around Hollywood for years. Too bad it didn’t float to a re-write desk.

We had the chocolate chips, the flour, the sugar and the eggs. But somebody forgot the baking powder and we ended up with a big pile of mush called “Hancock”. It doesn’t matter though. America loves them some Will Smith cookies. As for me, I’m on a diet.

July 8, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Here’s a shocker. I actually liked “The Incredible Hulk”.

In general, with these sorts of movies, it helps to have low expectations. In this case, they were as such because of all the whining I’d read from star Edward Norton about how all the best scenes were cut. I recognize that Eddy wasn’t in and therefore probably hadn’t seen any of the action sequences, and, as a result, had a very different image in his mind as to what the final picture would look like. But surely he must have READ THE SCRIPT which no doubt contained stage direction such as “HULK notices abandoned police cruiser, smashes it in half with his fist and then uses each half to beat the pulp out of TIM ROTH MONSTER”. Furthermore, I find it difficult to believe that the cut scenes were SO TRANSCENDENT that this VERY comic book-esque film would, with their inclusion, somehow be transformed into high art. There is just no way.

So at the start of the film, after a fun little montage which catches us up to speed, we join Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) living a quiet life in Brazil, watching Portuguese Sesame Street and taking lessons on how to make your stomach concave. He has also taken a job in a GREEN soda bottling plant which primarily employs brutes and supermodels. All the while he is messengering with a scientist back home as they work on attempting to cure his affliction. His location is compromised when some of his blood gets into one of the sodas, thus poisoning Brazilian Soda enthusiast, Stan Lee. Bruce Banner is on the run again! Teaming up with his estranged girlfriend, Betty (Liv Tyler), Bruce must find his scientist friend and cure himself before Betty’s daddy gets a hold of him.

Ironically for Norton, the biggest problem with the film is its attempt to follow in the footsteps of other comic book films of late, and make this fantastical story somehow relevant to the real world. “X-Men” works on an allegorical level. “Iron Man” and “Batman” are almost plausible. But a scrawny dude exposed to lethal levels of gamma radiation, who survives but gains the pesky side-effect of, whenever he gets angry, scared or excited, turning into a 9-foot-tall ball of testosterone? Who is also GREEN? Because of the radiation? I’m sorry to burst your bubble but THAT COULD NEVER REALLY HAPPEN. So stop trying to act like an IFC Films-approved version of the Hulk story is possible. Stick with the “Hulk Smash” which, in this case, works really well.

Unlike the first attempt at a Hulk movie, which pretty much everyone agrees sucked, “The Incredible Hulk” really captures the spirit of what the Hulk is like when he’s all Hulked out. While he’s a completely different entity than the mild-mannered Bruce Banner and certainly not what you would call an intellectual, he’s not a monster either. He knows who the bad guys are and he smashes accordingly. At no time do we think he is going to hurt Betty or any other creature of light (like, say, kittens). But if you have evil in your heart, Hulk knows it and you are screwed. I think this is an important point that was completely missed in the first movie. It explains why Hulk eventually becomes part of the Avengers. Bruce Banner yammers on about finding a cure and living a normal life yet he is compelled to help people. Deep down he knows he has a calling which will make his life complex but ultimately more meaningful than would just boning Liv Tyler and playing with beakers.

Without a doubt there are many snicker-inducing moments in The Incredible Hulk. For instance, the prevalence of the color green. I’m no scientist, but I have a hard time believing than gamma radiation poisoning (even this special variety) turns your blood cells green and you know you are cured when your blood cells once again turn red. Also, did Bruce Banner turn down jobs at other bottling plants who were making orange or grape soda? Is General Ross really a Midori Sour man?

What’s more, let’s talk about pants. I appreciate their attempt to explain how Hulk, whatwith his 80 inch waist, manages to keep his hulkhood covered by the pants of a much smaller man. Bruce Banner buys elastic waist pants! But it seems like after he buys some Brazilian hemp trousers, he reverts to the Double Denim look pretty quickly, even scoffing at Betty when she bring him the classic purple sweat pant of comic book Hulk. At the climax of the film, Banner is definitely wearing well-fitting JEANS that remain mostly in tact when he hulks out. They do MAKE stretch jeans, but the size difference is still too vast. Bruce Banner would have to rock the hip-hop-boxer-flash to accommodate the metamorphosis.

These are small criticisms, however, of an overall enjoyable film. Liv Tyler as Betty is sweet and likable (albeit unconvincing as a molecular biologist); a welcome replacement to the cold, wooden Academy Award Winner Jennifer Connelly. She brings much genuine affection to her character’s complicated relationship with Bruce. You really feel for her when she begs her father to stop trying to kill Hulk and when Bruce insists on jumping out of a plane with uncertain results instead of staying behind and being her boyfriend.

Likewise, Norton adequately channels the tortured altruist that Bill Bixby brought to the character on the TV show. Tim Blake Nelson is super character-actory as the over-exuberant scientist who may or may not have found a cure for hulkism. Tim Roth is always at his most compelling when playing a villain. In this case he uses the desperation of an aging solider as the motivation for undergoing experiments which would give him Hulk-like abilities and later cause him to ravage the city in a fairly awesome smash battle.

In short, “The Incredible Hulk” is a smashing good time. Especially if you hate helicopters as much as Hulk does.

June 23, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

I know I am late to the Indiana Jones/Crystal Skull party and a review almost a MONTH later is pretty irrelevant but it’s my party and I’ll blog if I want to.

So why did I put off seeing this movie? For starters, I knew…I just KNEW that it was going to be a profound disappointment. So I waited. And waited. And when I could wait no longer, I saw it.

And it was…“National Treasure”. Think about it. Replace Harrison Ford with Nicolas Cage, Shia LaBeouf with that snarky side-kick who also played the mentally challenged boy in “Gigli”. Swap Karen Allen with that kind of dull blonde lady whose name escapes me and then pretend El Dorado is hidden somewhere in the midwest. It’s “National effing Treasure”. IT IS!

Of course, I LOVED the “National Treasure” movies. But let’s be honest. They aren’t…shall we say…GOOD. They are profoundly silly. Interestingly, critics were calling them the “Indiana Jones” revival. In this case, the student has become the master and the master has regressed. They took their 25 year old franchise and turned it into a “National Treasure” fan film. The biggest problem with this is that Harrison Ford is no Nicolas Cage.

Don’t get me wrong. Harrison Ford…or at least Indiana Jones (and Space Indy, Han Solo) were my first childhood crush(es). I’m fairly certain that his characters affected, at least physically, the type of man I am attracted to as an adult: Scruffy looking (who’s scruffy lookin’?!) fellows with a perpetual 5:00 shadow, glistening with sweat and a bit of chest hair poking out the top of an unkempt dress shirt. A dry wit and a bit of an ego don’t hurt either. Especially if they can save your ass from Nazis or voodoo and sweep you off your feet. Ah…Venice.

In contrast, while I adore the acting of Nicolas Cage, I don’t find him or any of his characters the least bit attractive. Sure, “Wild at Heart’s”, Sailor Ripley is romantic as hell, but he’s already losing quite a bit of hair at such a young tender age. And his snake skin jacket may be a symbol of his individuality and belief in person freedom but…it’s a jacket made of SNAKE SKIN. Tell me…was it a CORN snake?

So the problem with Indy 4 is that Indy/Ford (at this point they are interchangeable) is just TOO DAMN SERIOUS to pull off the cartoonish feat of surviving a nuclear blast at ground zero by hiding inside a fridge while the gophers from Caddy Shack snicker in the distance. The monkey and giant ant shenanigans and even reluctantly gripping a CG snake to get pulled out of quicksand by the Fonz…those things are for a different sort of actor and a different sort of movie. NOT for Henry Jones Jr. He is supposed to be the STRAIGHT MAN. The only jokes he make should either occur during or result in a fist fight.

I suppose I’m not surprised though. My heart was already broken by the Films That Shall Not Be Named. I knew that George Lucas had lost all his marbles. I hoped that Spielberg would reign him in. But he’s not so great anymore either. It makes sense. As you age, your perspective shifts. You become detached and you can no longer relate to the young. You can’t understand what they want and you don’t really CARE what they want either. You have earned the right to do what you feel because you have been around the block, damnit! What this scene needs is a few more hilarious animals. CAN WE GET SOME MORE MONKEYS IN HERE PLEASE?!

Their treasure wasn’t gold. It was gophers. Gophers were their treasure.

June 17, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: 1 Comment

There is a certain target audience for a movie like “Camille”. It is the story of a simple southern girl named Camille (Sienna Miller) who convinces a reluctant petty thief named Silias (James Franco) to marry her. They take off on a honeymoon road trip to Niagara Falls, but, along the way, there is a accident. Luckily, it is a MAGICAL accident, and Camille winds up becoming the most beeyootiful zombie that evar unlived.

Given the zombie element to this love story, you might thing the target audience is more Fangoria than Fairy Tale But you would be, as I was, sorely mistaken. As someone who ordinarily steers as clear as possible from overly sentimental Hallmark crap like “Maid of Honor”, it takes a quirky element to get me to watch anything baring the “romantic comedy” label. For example, a machine that erases memories, or, say, a woman who comes back from the dead. However, the writer of this fluffy little torture piece squandered every opportunity to make an original film. At his point, I’m pretty convinced that he stole the idea from someone else but then had no idea how to properly execute it.

For those of you who loved “Runaway Bride” or think Sienna Miller is just SOOO pretty, this movie is definitely for you. Never mind if you “can’t watch scary movies” or “think zombies are gross”. Trust me. There “gore” in this thing is strictly PG. The presumably dead Camille only grows more radiant as the film wears on. Wouldn’t Silias’ falling for Camille been more romantic if she’d been losing appendages and turning green? And no, a little broken finger under a glove or a tiny bloodless bullet wound doesn’t count. Also, that bitch really needs to stop taking her ring off on moving motorcycles and over open drains.

What could have been a cool embalming scene becomes a boring, soft-lit sponge bath. All the potential hilarity of a rotting living dead girl is simply…missing. Don’t even get me started on the dialog. Let’s just say there’s plenty of people believing in other people and true love prevailing and junk.

Leave a beautiful corpse.

By the way, what the hell is UP with David Carradine? Is he senile in real life? His role as a rambling mystical circus cowboy doesn’t make any sense. Surely somewhere they are making an updated film version of Kung Fu starring Will Farrell or Vince Vaughn. Give the poor man a cameo. He is clearly hurting for work.

As for me, I’m going to watch a well-executed undead love story to try and wipe this experience from my memory.

May 29, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

On my way to see “Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay”, I tried to get into the same head space I was in when I saw the first one. You see, I wasn’t always a member of the Harold and Kumar congregation. When the first one opened in theaters, I was not interested.

“From the creators of ‘Dude, Where’s My Car…’ ” they said.

“Keep it,” I replied.

But then I started hearing murmurs from people I respected telling me that it was actually pretty funny.

“But…it’s a stoner comedy,” I argued. “Remember “Half Baked”? That starred frickin’ Dave Chapelle and it was still a disaster. Besides “Death to Smoochy”, it’s Jon Stewart’s favorite bad-career-move punch line.”

All that aside, I am usually willing to start any movie that I can procure for free from the library. And that, my friends, is how “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” ended up in my DVD player.

I sat stone-faced during the opening credits. Arms crossed, I dared the movie to draw even a snicker out of me. And then…it did. By the time the cheetah showed up, I had to admit I was having a pretty good time. When Kumar and Roldy sang at the top of their lungs along to Wilson Phillips, I came to terms with my new found love. I immediately watched the movie again with commentary.

Sequels are rarely a good idea and I wasn’t in the mood to get my heart broken but I was exited to hang out with my favorite odd couple again.

The movie opens with the two heading to Amsterdam to find Roldy’s new girlfriend, Maria. Kumar, true to Id-laden form, decides to smuggle some weed onto the plane. To Amsterdam. Panic ensues when the already on-edge passengers mistake the boNG for a boMB, resulting in Kumar and his “accomplice” being shuffled off to the titular Cuban prison.

Unlike getting to White Castle, escaping from Guantanamo Bay is, apparently, pretty easy. Their challenge this time around is making their way to Texas to find the one man who can exonerate them; an acquaintance with government ties who just happens to be the fiancé of Kumar’s lost love. On the way they are pursued by an overzealous and naive FBI agent (the brilliant Rob Corddry) and must also contend with the KKK. And as an early promotional poster suggested, Neil Patrick Harris is back as the sex-crazed, drug-addled…Neil Patrick Harris.

I was apprehensive that this would be the worst part of the movie. The reason the NPH gag worked so well in the first film was because we didn’t see it coming.

“What’s the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?” Roldy asked after their initial run-in. “Why is he so horny?”

Why indeed. But it turns out there is more funny to be gleaned from the NPH persona. No spoilers here but rest assured, the unicorn pays off. Plus Neil Patrick Harris really has that character nailed.

Another highlight concerns a flashback to college where we learn that Kumar wasn’t always so fancy-free and Roldy wasn’t always so Old Navy. Granted, these are moments for the already converted. Many of you are probably still thinking, “But the first one looked so dumb. Did we really need two of these? I’d rather see what is currently in the works for that delightful Dax Shepard.”

WHY THE H & K MOVIES WORK:
Yes there are gross-out jokes and plenty o’ Porky’s-esque nudity. Sure the film opens with a joke about crapping. I agree that prison rape humor is played out. But in this context it works because Harold and Kumar are unique protagonists. Not because they’re Asian leads, although that is tragically unusual. Nay, they are unique because they are completely accessible. I gleefully followed their quest to go to White Castle amidst persecution from bullies and awkward encounters with the opposite sex because I know those guys. I have been those guys (albeit a female version). They may be above average in the looks department, but they also have job stress and pressure from their parents. They get into some wacky adventures, some of which might seem pretty contrived, but in the end they want the same things we all want: Love, tasty food and the service of justice. The “stoner comedy” is still an unfortunate genre, but Harold and Kumar rise above it because it’s not a movie about smoking weed. Not really. It’s about being a citizen of 21st Century America. And it’s hilarious.

May 1, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: 2 Comments

WWII Just Got a Whole Lot Sexier

Who doesn't love a movie about the Holocaust? I'm sure that's why Paul Verhoeven, the illustrious Dutch director behind Total Recall, Robocop, Starship Troopers and, most importantly, Showgirls, decided to throw his hat into the Third Reich Ring. And I'm glad he did. Black Book while not as powerful and gripping as Roman Polanski's The Pianist or as universally heart-wrenching as Schindler's List, is still not too shabby.

Black Book is the story of Rachel Stein, Jewish woman living in Holland who's attempt to escape German occupation with her family is thwarted by an ambush. She is the only survivor. Left with nothing, she joins the Dutch resistance movement. During an infiltration operation, she falls in (meaning bed, of course) with a German captain. They begin a complicated affair of deceit, espionage and split loyalties. It's also an affair in the traditional sense (i.e. boobies…it's Verhoeven, remember?).

Lest you think me critical of Verhoeven's work, let me clarify. I LOVE this director. His catalog is among my favorites. But you have to admit that while he's known for his biting political and social satires, he usually delivers them with a side of extreme, cartoonish violence and loads of naked, horny ladies. So it's surprising to learn that he's capable of such restraint. Black Book takes its subject seriously and with great reverence for the victims of WWII. It's suspenseful and sad and there are only a handful of scenes that smack of Verhoeven lechery. One could even argue that a Jewish girl trying to hide her identity amongst the German wolves WOULD need to bleach her carpet to match the curtains, much like the protagonist of Europa, Europa must uncircumcise himself in an understandably memorable scene. In fact, all of the casual nudity and sexuality that usually comes off as a little smutty in Verhoeven's American offerings, actually may just be…European.

-Lady Cyanide

Check out Black Book, available for rent right now on ReelTime.com. The rental period ends soon so do it! Do it now! Nothing like a good Holocaust film to get you through the winter…

X-Posted from the the Reel.

February 12, 2008
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment

Don't you hate it when a movie reviewer says they don't want to tell you much about a film for fear of ruining the experience? Me too. But in this case, it's true. And I'll tell you why. You don't want to know anything about a movie in which 8 people fly a bomb into the sun hoping to reignite the dying star and save all of mankind because the characters in the movie don't know anything about it. Sure, the crew is made up of astronauts, a physicist, a psychiatrist, and other brilliant minds who are the last hope of humanity. They are educated and have planned as much as possible, running drills and knowing their theory backward and forward. But since no one has ever done anything like this, successfully or otherwise, there is no way to know what it will really be like. And that unknown, like all unknowns, is utterly terrifying.

In this case it is particularly terrifying because the fate of Earth hangs in the balance. And while Sunshine is, indeed, Science Fiction, the trailers that played before the film, featuring Leonardo DiCaprio telling us about the dire state of the planet due to global warming, are very real. I don't mean to get all super cereal on you guys, but it's true. The film is even more effective because of the storytelling method. Director Danny Boyle (28 Days Later) and writer Alex Garland (The Beach) just drop you into the action, without the typical Sci-Fi cheesy voice over or showing you first hand a C.G. depiction of the disaster that living under a dying sun caused on Earth, thus eliminating any opportunity for the viewer to be overwhelmingly reminded that this is Science Fiction. Instead, we see a tired but hopeful crew in the midst of their mission, knowing they are the last hope and trying their damnedest not to crack under the pressure of it all. Unfortunately, despite all their training, they are still humans susceptible to human errors in judgment (especially under pressure). And this is one hell of last job.

Many of these errors stem from the theme that while too much sunshine is bad for you, both physically and psychologically, mankind simply cannot survive with out it.

Story aside, the visuals are absolutely stunning, the future technology not at all silly, despite them being on a space ship, the acting subtle and nuanced and Cillian Murphy's eyes as unearthly as ever.

Go see Sunshine right now. The future depends on it.

July 30, 2007
Categories: Filmpinions . Tags: thereel . Author: Baxter . Comments: Leave a comment