In chronological order or procurement. From Librarisaurus Rex!
C=Cat; G=Gerbil; R=Rat; F=Fish
In chronological order or procurement. From Librarisaurus Rex!
C=Cat; G=Gerbil; R=Rat; F=Fish
Chuck Klosterman IV is rife with meme fodder. The Klostermeme series will feature these questions, my answers, my speculations on how Klosterman would answer and an invitation to the reader to answer these questions in the comments! It will also challenge my recollection Roman numerals.
Think about your life.
Think about the greatest thing you have ever done, and think about the worst thing you have ever done. Try to remember what motivated you to do the former, and try to remember what motivated you to do the latter?
How similar are these two motives?
My answer: Without giving away too much detail or meditating too deep on what events I chose, I’m will say that my motivation for both was love. So…pretty similar.
Klosterman theory: I reckon pretty similar. People are funny that way.
Please to answer in the comments!
Ding Dong, the Wingdome is dead, and in its place rose the Good Tequila Fairy, also known as The Saint. The robin’s egg blue exterior warmly invites Hillites to try their extensive tequila menu either straight or in a specialty cocktail. It’s difficult to choose the appropriate accompaniment. Agave syrup or egg white? Fortunately, they offer a rotating sampler so that you can get a feel for their offerings before committing to one. And at an average of $10 a cocktail, you are going to want to be sure. While you’re at it, line your stomach with decent upscale-ish Mexican fare. All the food is made on site, even the chips and salsa. Try the Pozole Verde, a green version of a Mexican pork and hominy stew. But if you’re eating, be sure to hit them up during happy hour. Three small empanadas are worth it at half price, but they are certainly not $8 worth of food. Also, you might want to ask for a salt shaker.
1416 E Olive Way 981022
X-Posted from Not For Tourists.
Answering the last of Chuck Klosterman’s 23 questions he asks people to find out if he can REALLY love them:
16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that – for some unknown reason – you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it? Read More…
5 more questions from Chuck Klosterman’s23 questions he asks people to find out if he can REALLY love them:
11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that – somewhere – your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.
Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?
My answer: I would finish the movie but then maybe call my mom after. I get weird, paranoid ideas a lot. They rarely amount to anything significant.
Klosterman Theory: By the virtue that he uses the word “irrational”, I think he would finish the movie.
12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But – somehow – this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though – you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?
My answer: $5. I’d be curious to see if it worked, and I can’t deny that it would be sweet to counter some of my saggyness. But I’m already married so I don’t need a whole bunch of dudes hitting on me. $10 if he’s wearing a wizard outfit.
Klosterman Theory: $50. He seems to have lady issues. Maybe this would stop him from rampantly pursuing women who already have boyfriends.
13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.
What do you talk about?
My answer: I think I’ve HAD this nightmare. There are definitely a couple of folks I don’t particularly ever want to see again. Though it would be pretty amazing to see some of the more intellectually narcissistic and long-winded ones share a meal together. As for the speech, I would probably open with a joke and then give each of them one or two sentences about what I learned from my time with them (I would have nice things to say about some of them) and how it led to my being able to recognize true love when I eventually found it. And then I would take a shot of tequila and exit quietly out the back with my husband.
Klosterman Theory: He would probably just read passages from his books.
14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
My answer: First of all, the thought of cats reading makes me giggle a lot so I would be very pleased if this really happened. That said, I think they would find traditional Garfield inane but they would love Garfield minus Garfield.
Klosterman Theory: He would agree with me.
15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.
How do you spend the next fourteen days?
My answer: Write as much as possible.
Klosterman Theory: Visit all of his ex-girlfriends and write about it.
Your answers in the comments, please!
More Klostermemes on the way!
5 more questions from Chuck Klosterman’s 23 questions he asks people to find out if he can REALLY love them:
6. At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
My answer: Assuming my dreams remained much the same as they are now, I would definitely try it out. I love remembering my dreams and have even used large chunks of dreams in movie scripts. Even my most personal dreams I usually end up telling at least my husband about. I do have some sexy dreams that might be weird for my parents to watch. But hey, if that’s what they signed up for…
Klosterman Theory: No.
7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?
My answer: I’m gonna go with the Loch Ness Monster with the Sassquatch running as the second largest story. This is because I feel like it would be easier to mistake an existing, unremarkable creature as the Sassquatch. It could be some sort of mutated bear or just a dirty man who has been living in the woods. A giant reptile, Lock Ness Monster of lore or no, is extremely remarkable no matter how you slice it. POSSIBLY having thyroid cancer is not nearly as monumental as the other two stories.
Klosterman Theory: He would go with either Lock Ness or Sassquatch. I’m not sure which.
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper philosophy.”
Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?
My answer: Considering my personal obsession with the Joss Whedon Universe, not at all.
Klosterman Theory: Since he brought it up, he obviously thinks this is a pretty strange quirk so I’m guess his answer is yes. Unless he is trying to tell us something about himself…
9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?
My answer: Increase. I would attempt to discover what about it brings people to this conclusion. Though I am already disappointed to learn that it contains NO homoerotic content.
Klosterman Theory: Increase. He is a logical man who obviously knows that no one can be “turned” gay. Therefore I think this question is a subtle attempt at weeding out homophobia in potential mates.
10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City: “You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning.” Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you’ve read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart’s Little Queen album (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to “Barracuda.”
Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?
My answer: I have probably already lost Klosterman points by admitting that I have to listen to “Barracuda” on my ipod having purchased a Heart compilation collection from itunes and the fact that I have NOT read the novel in question. Regardless, I will go with the novel. While I am aware of the badassedness of Heart, I have not found them to be transcendent enough to seek out whole albums. Jay McInerney’s line piques my interest enough that I have put the book on my library queue. Perhaps this is a question I will revisit when I have done more research.
Klosterman Theory: Given that he is first and foremost a rock writer, I think he would say “Barracuda’.
Your answers in the comments!
Stay tuned for still more Klostermemes!
This Old Spice ad:
Any Neil Patrick Harris endorsement works on me. I just bought 12.
(Click photo for larger dose of awesome.)
Chuck Klosterman is a rock journalist and pop culture writer. Needless to say, I love his writing. He is hilarious and insightful. However, I have an ongoing internal debate about whether or not Chuck Klosterman and I could be friends in real life. Obviously, this is a purely hypothetical problem, but I think about it every time I am reading his work and even a little bit when I’m not reading it (like now, for instance). While I already agree with 70% of what he says and am convinced to agree with another 10%, there is 20% of his writing that I think makes him sound meditatively contrary. I find this frustrating, as I would no doubt find HIM frustrating in a social setting. On the other hand, he has a beard.
But that is not the purpose of this post. Within his writing, he often frequently random hypothetical moral and social questions which, as is usually the case which such things, do not have cut and dry answers. I love these questions and bring them up with friends whenever possible. But I would also like to know how the population at large (of blog readers) would answer these questions. And thus begins my series of Klosterman memes in which I pose his questions, answer them myself, and invite the readers to answer them as well in the comments.
To kick things off are 5 conundrums from his list of 23 questions he asks people to find out if could ever REALLY love them. Unfortunately, he did not include an answer key so after deliberating the questions themselves, I am left to ponder what he would deem to be the “correct” answer.
Without further ado… Read More…
Three days after our wedding, B. and I woke up at an ungodly hour to catch a 6am flight to Mexico for our honeymoon. We packed only light summer clothing and I pointedly placed my umbrella on the bench by the door saying “I won’t be needing YOU for a while”. This is what they call foreshadowing.
Several uneventful hours later (apart from enjoying The Savages on the airplane), we arrived in a super long customs line. Eventually, we made it through, rendezvoused with our ride (who was NOT at the exit holding a sign with our names on it as I’d hoped. When’s it gonna be MY turn?!) and we were on our way to our resort, Puerto Aventuras, which lies along the coast about an hour south of Cancun. Read More…